and hint for tomorrow...
January 8, 2014
January 7, 2014
Nothing good to say today.
Everything is a mess.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm tired of feeling this level of shitty ... all the time. I'm tired of crying THIS much.
I keep thinking I see this tiny little light at the end of the tunnel and it gets my hope up. And then, no, it's like a train that's just coming to shatter what little hope I started to have...
When will it be over? Will someone tell me when it will be over?
God, I want it to be over.
January 5, 2014
Between this stupid snowstorms, old nightmarish memories surfacing and hardly any sleep, I'm going bonkers! bonkers bonkers bonkers.
So far, though, I've managed to keep up my taking a picture every day, whether I feel like it or not. Really. Yesterday, I just wanted to hide and cry all day. I did cry most of the day. I haven't had much space. I don't get a lot of space. But when I'm desperate, I will find it and cry and hope no one notices...
Yesterday, I really wanted to get grocery shopping done before the stupid snow got here, because we needed to do it anyway! And I was trying to work on getting this house in order, you know laundry and shizz like that, but we got an emergency call... My aunts sprinkler, in the front yard, was just spitting water. Yeah, the pipe split... Probably due to the cold.
For him, it's an unflattering pic, lol. But do you see the water spitting out? Yeah...
Didn't take long to get it turned off. Then we were just over there ALL day. All day... All day...
I was fighting panic attacks all day. It was rather lovely.
A result of that sprinkler...
Frozen little bush!
She's got great style. cracks me up. And good god she's getting tall. It's so bizzarre. She's such a big girl. What the ever loving heck!
I sat and read this book. Under a blanket. In between crying sessions.
and by the time we left, frozen snow! Thanks to all that lovely water.
We left at 10, headed to the grocery store by 10:30 and I swear the apocolypse was happening. I walk into kroger and the shelves were bare! The produce... well there wasn't much...
And the snow had begun, so I was speeding through my shopping and missed those staples like, you know, eggs and bread... This lady behind me couldn't believe they were out of Milk and bananas! I didn't need milk, but yeah... no bananas and I wanted those too, lol.
Then I finally got home, took a shower at 11:30 at night and then drank wine and had a bunch of mini red velvet cupcakes. don't judge. The alcohol made me sleep, lol. For a little while at least.
And then I woke up all stiff with a headache!
And bring on the stupid effing snow...
That was my lunch (they say not to post pics of food on Facebook anymore. So ha! here you go xanga! lol)
Naked dora showcasing bracelets!
My daughter taped this kleenex to a paper and I had no clue what she was doing... then I saw her drawing and thought that was pretty creative! lol
I'm... not sure, lol.
My snack tonight. I know better than to have coke. sue me. I shoveled 4 times. I still have some to do. Coke and chocolate are a must, right now. *burp*
I swear I'm going to bury that fence! lol
See, now it's windy and it's all drifting
Did I mention I hate winter? Yeah... I hate winter. In all the years living here, never have had to shovel this much. First time for everything!
But I gotta work tomorrow, despite it all. And bri is on her 3rd snow day. So yay! Yeah. Yay!
No. No. NO. No more snow.
January 3, 2014
Today was my first real day taking care of my aunt. Still have to say that I was quite scared, but it was okay. her back hurt, so she spent most of the day on the couch or in her chair. No falls! Woo.
Anyway, it was a long long day. I was there from 9:45 to 8:15...
I finally had a use for that tote! lol
Brianna had yet another snow day (and yay snow storms, we're looking at a snow day monday and even tuesday! Woo!). So since she was with me, I brough stuff along for her to do, which did keep her occupied. And we played school...
Sorry, the pics suck. I forgot my camera.
This is a devotional book that her Gramma D got her for christmas. Today, we learned about fireflies! Did you know... that females are the ones who blink their light, mostly to attract mates, but also to trick them? They get that male close and then they eat him! hehe...
And then I made dinner. I was impressed, so I took a picture, lol. That's Ravioli, salad, green beans and rolls.
January 2, 2014
Continuing on with my daily pics... damn snow. Snow snow damn snow.
Bri did end up having a snow day. In fact, she has another snow day tomorrow.
And the roads suck!
I took out all of my agression on the snow. Just get a shovel ful and chuck that shit.
And then I made soup. Cuz it's cold. Brrrr...
And so, my aunt came home yesterday, right? Right. She fell this morning. Hurt her back. They did an xray and found an old fracture in her back. Anyway, she sprained it too... and so they gave her a shot and are giving her vikodin. Ahh, shit.
And so speaking of that... she can't be left alone at all. She has a tendency to not use her walker... probably forgets. That would be the mini strokes.
This is something that emotionally I'm just not ready for. Not at all. But none the less, here we are.
My family is stressed out. And my mom can't hold it all together. So it has been said that whatever hours I'm able to be over caring for her, cleaning her house, etc. I will be paid. Because even going through a company or something to get 24 hour care, is expensive. So I guess...
It's still something i'm not quite emotionally ready for, but yeah...
so I worked like a dog to get the house here straightened up, went over there, blah blah blah...
So that was my day.
I'm hungry now. Gotta go eat and try to sleep. I can't sleep lately... not very well, at least.
January 1, 2014
New years day... Ahhhh, snow.
We drove to pick up my aunt, and all her new goodies, from the rehab center. Brr cold. And we took her home.
I did one load of her laundry, swept her floor a lot, since it seemed like the stupid floor could never get clean, made sure she was able to get around with her walker and not fall. she has a step down into her living room from her kitchen. If she can avoid her basement stairs and garage, that will be her only obstacle. She's still unsteady on her feet.
Anyway, I decided that every day of this new year, I will try and get at least one picture of something I did that day or just something. You know... I guess that's as close as I'm going to get to a "new years resolution". so here goes...
Snow many snowmen!
I spent a lot of time thinking...
Partially about snowglobes and how awesomely pretty they are. this is my aunts. she loves cardinals.
So, as you can see, I had some fun with this... dang...
She goes back to school tomorrow. Unless there is a snow day. I'm pulling for no snow day, thanks! lol
And my aunt gave me this ring. See, those stones are "service pins" my uncle got from work. He worked at GM. Anyway, she took all those little "service pins" and a jeweler made it into a ring. And she gave it to me!
Of course it's super special because it's like having a part of my uncle with me He died when I was 18 months.
It fits on my finger. I'm supposed to wear a wedding ring there, however... haven't had one on in a couple months...
Anywhoo, it was a pretty good day.
December 31, 2013
the reality is, I have a hard time expressing things, so I'm not sure how much sense this will make.
Things trigger me. They trigger feelings and memories and stuff like that. Just today, I caught a part of a movie that ... well ... I dunno, It made me want to panic. And in my mind, I tried to tell myself... "It's not the past, this is the present and you're not being hurt".
But speaking of triggers... some PEOPLE can be triggers. And I feel absolutely terrible about that. because, I don't want to seem like a big meanie. My problems are no one elses problems. My feelings are not the responsiblity of anyone else and I feel like, in a way, I will take it out on them. I mean... I have two thoughts. I can just try and, well, "get over it", be as good of a friend as i can and just privately try and deal with my own issues. Or two, eliminate the people from wherever. But then I feel guilty. It's not like anyone is purposefully triggering me, it's my problem. But to be honest? I do better when I'm not exposed to things.
So, any thoughts on that?
As for my mission, well... I guess I'm two days in with two days of success. Sort of. It's kinda been hell. All the days before that, I fell flat on my ass. In some ways, I suppose.
2014 will, hopefully, be the year of walks! We didn't manage to do the Jingle walk (for arthritis) this month, but hopefully next year! And then March of Dimes is in April, relay for life in May, color run in june! Yuppp! Things to look forward to.
Happy New Year, Guys!
December 26, 2013
I am starting a new "mission", if you will. Unfortunately, I will be pretty much be gone from here.
So just wanted to say that I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and an amazing new year!
December 16, 2013
I know you ohio fans are probably like, "heck yeah!!"... and honestly, if Ohio doesn't have this same law, I'll just cheer right along with you.
So I'm sure you've heard of the "rape insurance law"... passed by a bunch of white, rich, priveleged asshats? Yeah...
Something started by a bunch of self centered whiny brats? Yep!
"Well, I don't want my insurance to cover abortions, so YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE IT EITHER!!!"
Wah wah wah, whine bitch moan...
and then a bunch of stupid old cunts decided to pass it.
and I don't care if anyone disagrees.
You know, by passing that law, D&C procedures are also included. Therefore, if you are pregnant and have the misfortune of dealing with a miscarriage, YOU WON'T HAVE IT COVERED BY INSURANCE.
Good work, cunts. Good work!
Right to life of michigan, go suck it, cunts. Replubicans, go suck it, cunts.
I don't feel like being nice. You want to tell me what I can and can't have covered by insurance, THAT I'M PAYING FOR, becuase you're a whiny little cunt? You can go die in a corner. YOu want to police my body? Go suck it, cunt. I have nothing nice to say to you.
Hope your wife never has a miscarriage and needs that procedure done! Cause either you'd have to spend MORE money for a stupid rider, or just pay out of pocket, because of a bunch of whiny little cunts.
Hope your wife, daughter, girlfriend don't get raped. Or get pregnant by their relative!
You know, I would normally not wish rape or incest on anyone, but I think all these cunts should be raped repeatedly by someone they know, have their body and control invaded ... and then have tough decisions to follow, because they don't know anything about it. They need a taste of it, before they just pass laws that affect those who DO KNOW WHAT IT'S FUCKING LIKE.
Bunch of effing cunts.
and I don't care if you disagree with me. In fact, this is MY PAGE. If you dont' agree, click off now. I don't want to hear your opinion. Just go away. You want to boss me around? Well, BACK AT YOU, CUNTS.
December 13, 2013
I tend to open my mouth and just get myself into trouble.
Last night was interesting. I used my voice and then things just kinda went crazy. It always kind of amuses me how some people never talk to me, until they have something they disagree with me about.
But anyway, everything you say comes with a price.
I need to focus on my daughter, me, keeping my life private, using a journal and staying the hell of the internet.