“It is not uncommon for survivors to have flashbacks during sexual contact, in which a memory of the past abuse is triggered by a familiar touch, smell or position. If the sexual abuse included the use of violence or force, survivors may mix up sexual and aggressive urges. A history of sexual abuse can add confusion about a survivor’s sexual preference.” Survivor to Thriver

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meh.

Off to work I go…

Truly have just completely lost my purpose.

I just hope I can snap myself out of it, before I do something really stupid.

I suppose I should first say Happy Thanksgiving. It really doesn’t feel like it to me and part of me… really doesn’t care. But I do hope you all have a great day. Second, my mom was going to a Thanksgiving thing and needed a b-day card for a 13 year old girl. She did not have a card. I have made plenty and have just been giving them to people. I love to mail things. I love getting mail, so I like to make people smile too. Originally, I wanted to sell said cards, however… I’m not a sales person. I find it rather awkward. Anyway, my mom looked through my cards and it… made me smile. She would stop and go “Ooooh, I really like that one. That one is pretty”. She found 3 that she liked. She then said she would pay me for it (though I told her no) and she said, “They would cost quite a bit at hallmark”. Well, maybe, but…

Anyway, it kinda made my day. I really like when my family acknowledges… me.

Anyway, something I’ve been struggling with.

I’ve been ummm…. You know…. I really loved my daddy. I loved the attention he gave me. But children are not ready for sex. Children are just… just… not ready for that. I have now … sort of… gotten to a point where um… the idea of “sex” is kind of um… it’s all just really really hard. I look around and I see or read things and I litterally just break down. I think that in my small little world, when I was a little girl, it was obviously something I was not ready for. And now… I guess… oh, it’s hard to explain. I see the world and I just think people are really… disgusting. Sex, to me, shouldn’t be something disgusting, but I feel that we have really turned it into something disgusting. And I don’t… I don’t want that. the  human body… is disgusting. People are… disgusting. Everything is too much.

Oh and sometimes when there are too many people around, too much noise, too much stuff… I just want to cover my ears and scream. It’s like sensory overload. It’s really hard.

I feel like I froze in time. I’m that little girl and everything around me is too much and I’m not ready for it and I don’t know how to get past that…

I’m actually pretty positive that if you gave a bunch of teenagers real babies to take care of for 24 hours, that might be more effective birth control, lol.

Anyway… I just finished 3 days of babysitting.

I.Am.Exhausted.

For those of you parents out there with multiple children, my hat goes off to you. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you do it.

Now, not all moments were rough. In fact, Brianna was REALLY helpful at times. Other times, not so much, lol.

I have not showered in 3 days. SHUT UP!

lol

I’m about to go take a shower and go to bed. in fact, night one, I was in bed by 9.

Scary thing is, Brianna is reading over my shoulder and she can actually read some words now. What the heck? She just looks and seems more grown up.

Then it was like a shock going back to a 2 year old. I got to feed her spaghettios. Awww… I do miss feeding a baby. She was my girl. She didn’t want anyone else in the house talking to her, lol. I’m a pro at changing diapers still! And today she pooped twice! Super pooper.

Anyway, yeah.

Oh man, she was an excellent napper, though. She was easier to put down for a nap, than Brianna ever was.

Now that thats over, I’m even more sure I can’t and don’t want have any more kids. While I am on the pill, and hoping to not have to go off of it soon, though I did lose insurance, I was considering that essure procedure which is permanent. You know, the coils in the ovaries. Oh, so I look it up and then I see all this negative stuff about it and like, great. What other option is there? Oh yeah, tubal. And that’s surgery. So, men can get condoms for cheap or free and vasectomies that aren’t that complicated, but we women have to jump through gosh darn hoops just to protect our damn selves. And we have more to lose. It’s nuts. It kinda pissess me off, but whatever.

I’m going to go shower and sleep, lol. I’m pooped…

Ha, and I fed her a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. I think most of the peanut butter ended up on her face, rather than in her mouth.

I am sending out some Thanksgiving cards. If you’d actually like one, you can… Ohh, hmm, there is no message feature, lol. Well, you can send me your address and I’d send you one. But hmm… Anyway!

Next week, I will be babysitting a two year old. Just for 3 days. I have to wake up at 6 am and I’ll have her between 7-5:30. In there, gotta get Bri to school and picked up and on day 3 she only has a half day of school. So, I will experience what life would be like with two.

There is this small part of me that wishes she was like a baby baby. lol I want to get my baby fix. But she’s 2. She’s super cute though! I’m going to take her out for walks and I just wish all of Bri’s crayons weren’t broken… (brianna purposefully broke them all), but we’ve got so many coloring books and she can color. And I have so many books i can read to her. And we’ll watch Mickey Mouse, cause she loves Mickey Mouse. I know I will be tired. but hey, I’m gonna earn some money!

My aunt is not much better. When she fell, she was actually passing out. She has Afib. So that was a problem. Then her hemoglobin went from 14 down to 8 in a month and in one day it went down to 7. So she’s losing blood somewhere. They want to do a colonoscopy. And she has a mass in her lung. So yeah. Off to the hospital to visit her today.

Have a good day.

Yes, here comes another bitchy complainy post of mine. I’m not fooled about what people think of me. I know I’m a bitch. But… I gotta get this out.

So my husband quits his job. Lose our insurance. No longer have paychecks coming in. Now it’s a struggle to figure out how to get the damn groceries. All the help I was getting, I owe about $500. No way to pay it. I’m sure they’ll come after me. Can’t stay on my meds. What did I do all that for? Really, why did I even bother getting help?

This is the perfect time of year to have all this happen too. Yeah, thanks.

My aunt fell. She had a stroke a while back. So she fell today… My mom had to go over there and take care of her.

My gramma has COPD and now bronchitis and she’s been sick for a couple weeks now. Her blood pressure was 98/40 yesterday. She’s currently lying face down on her bed groaning. She says she’s okay, but… I just keep checking to make sure she’s still breathing.

pretty sure my mom got another notice to pay the mortgage or whatever. She can’t afford this house. I wonder when we’re all going to be kicked out.

Why not just go be homeless? I mean, really…

I’m overwhelmed.

Add to that nightmares and flashbacks and shit like that.

I’m just overwhelmed.

But I’m so soo soooo sorry to everyone who has to put up with me and my bitchy self. You can all carry on with life and just forget me. Really. I get it. I do…

I almost forgot it was hump day! Boy I’m out of it. Happy Hump Day!

Smiles.

I was hoping to get on here today and announce something…

However, nope.

You will just have to wait. I will say that it’s a good thing.

I am a little bummed.

Oh well. Very soon, You will know what I’m talking about.

And it all comes to an end…

Best I could do…