November 28, 2013
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Frozen In Time
I suppose I should first say Happy Thanksgiving. It really doesn't feel like it to me and part of me... really doesn't care. But I do hope you all have a great day. Second, my mom was going to a Thanksgiving thing and needed a b-day card for a 13 year old girl. She did not have a card. I have made plenty and have just been giving them to people. I love to mail things. I love getting mail, so I like to make people smile too. Originally, I wanted to sell said cards, however... I'm not a sales person. I find it rather awkward. Anyway, my mom looked through my cards and it... made me smile.
She would stop and go "Ooooh, I really like that one. That one is pretty". She found 3 that she liked. She then said she would pay me for it (though I told her no) and she said, "They would cost quite a bit at hallmark". Well, maybe, but...Anyway, it kinda made my day. I really like when my family acknowledges... me.
Anyway, something I've been struggling with.
I've been ummm.... You know.... I really loved my daddy. I loved the attention he gave me. But children are not ready for sex. Children are just... just... not ready for that. I have now ... sort of... gotten to a point where um... the idea of "sex" is kind of um... it's all just really really hard. I look around and I see or read things and I litterally just break down. I think that in my small little world, when I was a little girl, it was obviously something I was not ready for. And now... I guess... oh, it's hard to explain. I see the world and I just think people are really... disgusting. Sex, to me, shouldn't be something disgusting, but I feel that we have really turned it into something disgusting. And I don't... I don't want that. the human body... is disgusting. People are... disgusting. Everything is too much.
Oh and sometimes when there are too many people around, too much noise, too much stuff... I just want to cover my ears and scream. It's like sensory overload. It's really hard.
I feel like I froze in time. I'm that little girl and everything around me is too much and I'm not ready for it and I don't know how to get past that...
Comments (2)
"Oh and sometimes when there are too many people around, too much noise, too much stuff… I just want to cover my ears and scream. It’s like sensory overload. It’s really hard." <-- i know this too.
Glad to hear you mother liked your card, that's awesome! I wish your family and friends could be more affirming though. I dont get to be around my family a lot, so I rely on friends. It would suck not to have someone to affirm and talk to about stuff. At least someone who truly "gets" you.