Month: November 2013

  • I Once...

    I apologize for my endless amounts of ranting, but i just have too right now. I will post pictures or something positive soon, I promise.

    I once was an apartment manager. I held down that job and earned HALF, yes HALF, of our income. At first, my husband kept his cab driving job, so we'd have insurance and extra cash, but eventually he quit and managed with me, but he did maintenance. I may not have been in different apartments, doing random maintenance jobs, but believe me... office work at an apartment is also pretty damn complicated.

    You take complaints. Maintenance complaints, noise complaints, etc...

    You take rent payments. We did not have computers for that. it was all in a ledger book. All by hand. I did that. It was quite a system, but I was used to that and okay with it.

    You show apartments and try and "sell" them to people. answer questions.

    Answer the phones

    You try to keep a bunch of people happy and, believe me, it's not always possible.

    You deal with crazy shits.

    And really, I'm just happy that 85% of the tenants were decent human beings. but you always have the crazy ones who slip through. I would try my hardest to keep out the crazies, but people can fool you.

    My point though is, my husband really talks down to me. He talked down to me then, he still talks down to me. And you can say, "Just leave, Megan". And I wouldn't disagree with that. But when you're scared of someone, it can be complicated. I'm working on getting strength. Until then, this is my frustration coming out.

    I eventually had Brianna. While I'm trying to heal from giving birth, try and breastfeed my baby, hold her and bond with her, I still had to care for the office. I didn't get no stupid maternity leave. Pssh.

    I EARNED half of our income. And yet, when we had a discussion about which type of juice we prefered, and I mentioned that I preffered bottled juice to frozen, my husband says to me, "Well, you can get a job and pay for it yourself".


    I had to call him and get permission to get an effing nursing bra!  A NURSING BRA!


    I remember after we were first married, I wanted to get a CD. Yes, a $12 CD. And granted, at the time, I didn't work, but I was SOOO scared to ask him if I could get it. So scared. My voice was shaking, I was almost in tears asking him and he let me.


    i recently made a purchase and got told that, "since you don't earn the money..."

    And he has also said that if I want a specific car, I need to get a job and pay for it.

    I at one time did earn half of our money.

    And I have been taking care of our child.

    And I guess I don't deserve shit.

  • I love men!

    Did I mention how much I love men? ;) Lol...

    Good news, my back pain is pretty much gone today. Which is awesome.

    So the other day, I went to a movie. I prefer comedies or just... decent movies. There aren't many. In fact, actually, kids movies are probably the best anymore. We ended up seeing Elysium. No, I did NOT want to see it, but I got dragged to it anyway. I think most of the movie, I had my head down. Too.Much.Blood.

    I still don't get the point of going to a movie and watching people get stabbed and shot and mutilated and all sorts of stuff like that. Why do people enjoy violence? I find that disturbing.

    My one cat, amidala, who usually is scared and hiding and doesn't like people, she doesn't even usually like me, is now... well she now likes me. She even lets Brianna pet her and both of the cats are scared of her! lol  She's been my little cuddle bug lately. I hope she is not sick. She doesn't seem sick. She has hissed at me twice, but she still wants to be pet and curl up with me. I still can't figure out why she hissed at me. But she loves me! And now anakin is jealous, lol.

    And tonight, I get to work on pics on the computer. Woo. Finally.

  • Oh, to be a man...

    When you're done with work, you can be as lazy as you want! Your work is done!

    *For the record, I have held down a job WHILE caring for a newborn and taking care of our apartment. So I know!*

    You never have to be worried about being fired from your job for being pregnant.

    In fact, you never have to worry about being pregnant ever! That fear, you will just never know (and you also don't get to know the joys of it, which does suck for you)

    You don't have to bleed out of your penis every gosh darn 28 days!

    You can use a condom, which does not have side affects like "heart attack, stroke and blood clots!"

    You can be as slutty as you want, and you won't be labled as a slut. In fact, you'll get a pat on the back and praised. Go you.

    But my main thing is the lazy thing...

    Funny thing, I've had some back pain recently. It's been pretty bad. So I was sitting on a heating pad and then all of a sudden one spot on my back got really hot and burned and then I checked it quickly and saw that it was smoking... Yeah, stupid thing was getting a hole burned through it. Thankfully, no fire. But still, burned my back.  Anywhoo, I've been having back pain every day for the last several days...

    Yet, my husband couldn't sleep well (even though he was asleep before i was) and therefore couldn't wake up with us and wanted to sleep in.

    he also didn't want to get out in the rain to pick up our daughter from school.

    I still would have to rake up the rest of the leaves in the yard...

    We come home from our day out and I have to make dinner, wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold his laundry and put it away. And my back is killing me. Thanks!

    And yay for me, my nightly routine has just been ruined because he's home.

    I lost my space. I lost my time.

    Oh yeah, and you men don't have to walk around with your boobs trapped in a thing they call a "bra".

    *rolls eyes*. Of course, it is getting to that blessed time of year when we can wear coats and that can conceal that ... The other day, I went shopping without a bra on! best thing ever!

    And it would really be nice to be able to run at night, without the fear of gosh darn stupid rapists. Or go running in a park alone. Or whatever. but noooo, we should always have a buddy, because heaven freaking forbid that happen.

    My dad can go eat nails.

    Sorry... just letting out some frustration...

    And yeah, my husband was again going off on how sex is mainly for procreation... In that case, I REALLY WANT TO BE A MAN. Being able to just have a bunch of kids and my only contribution to getting them here is an orgasm? Yeah, let me sign up for that please...

  • This is my apology for cuss filled, woe is me posts. I am really not a terrible person. Have a good one guys!

  • I have to be careful what I say here...

    Well... I don't know...

    Today, I am tired and my back is killing me. Not sure why exactly. I mean, the other day I did a workout, went out and raked leaves and then just walked. it was like thats just what my body wanted to do. I took a long walk and actually took some pictures and came back home.

    I've felt a few times like i need to pass out. I get dizzy and cold and my head gets all fuzzy.

    One day, I thought I was going to throw up.

    Not sure if these physical things are really problems on their own, or if they are emotional or because of psychological issues?

    I dunno.

    So anyway I uh... Yeah.

    Sooooo tired.

  • I came home and saw him walking up and down the driveway.  I didn't want anything to do with him and I just wanted to find a way into my house. He walked toward me and I walked away. He was rude and annoying. I finally get in the house. I thought that was safety. I'm in the house, he's out of the house. I then look out the window and see him acting like a fool. I could tell he was drunk and then I thought that I should call the police. Don't have a restraining order, but I still thought they'd deal with it... But I didn't get the chance.

    He made it into the house. I told him not to touch me, but he did. And then he grabbed a knife and when he put it to my face...

    "This time, you're not going to be so lucky"


  • What do I really have to lose?

    Nothing, that's what. Do I really give a shit about what people think of me? Obviously not. So screw it.

    I may not be intentionally trying to end my life, but I am slowly dying. Right now, it's whatever can kill the pain. Whatever methods I can think of to seriously just knock the fucking pain right out.

    I don't even want to be conscious.

    But everyone can continue on telling me what they think is best for me, what will work for me, how I'm going to be fine and get through it.

    Not one person walks in my fucking shoes. not one. Don't tell me what you think. Fuck you.

    I know what's going on. I know what I'm fighting. And if i come out the other side, IT'S BECAUSE I FUCKING DID IT MYSELF. Not because anyone convinced me it was what was best for me. It will be MY decision. And if i don't, SAME THING.

    And you know what? I'm allowed to fucking hurt. Be like a glow stick... you gotta be broken to glow. Well yeah, I AM FUCKING BROKEN RIGHT NOW. Completely broken.

  • A Rough Road

    I've been having a bit of a rough time. It's hard to explain really and I'm not going to get into all the details that really I don't want anyone to even know. One day, I cried basically the entire day. I just couldn't stop. I felt miserable. Flashbacks, new memories of past trauma, I dunno what the hecks been going on, but that's been an issue. And sleep is a pretty good rescue spot. I honestly ... Well, I dunno.

    I always manage to make myself feel even more guilty for feeling the way I do. I feel bad, then I feel even worse because I feel bad and I feel that I shouldn't be feeling that way and then I feel bad because I don't feel allowed to feel anything, even though I still do and I just make myself feel really guilty. Feelings of guilt and shame and being dirty.

    Anyway... Just trying to hang on and fight through it and take it really minute by minute. Not even day by day. Right now, it's minute by minute...


  • I feel like it just happened yesterday....

  • The door

    There is a pitch black room. It's a very big room and there is only one door to get out. No windows. Just one door. You can't see anything and there are a million obstacles all over the place. Eventually, your knees are bloody, you have bruises, maybe a broken bone or two, stubbed toes, soreness, cuts... all in search for the door. Searching for your way out. And maybe eventually, bloody and broken, you can find the door...

    I'm looking for the door.