November 7, 2013

  • What do I really have to lose?

    Nothing, that's what. Do I really give a shit about what people think of me? Obviously not. So screw it.

    I may not be intentionally trying to end my life, but I am slowly dying. Right now, it's whatever can kill the pain. Whatever methods I can think of to seriously just knock the fucking pain right out.

    I don't even want to be conscious.

    But everyone can continue on telling me what they think is best for me, what will work for me, how I'm going to be fine and get through it.

    Not one person walks in my fucking shoes. not one. Don't tell me what you think. Fuck you.

    I know what's going on. I know what I'm fighting. And if i come out the other side, IT'S BECAUSE I FUCKING DID IT MYSELF. Not because anyone convinced me it was what was best for me. It will be MY decision. And if i don't, SAME THING.

    And you know what? I'm allowed to fucking hurt. Be like a glow stick... you gotta be broken to glow. Well yeah, I AM FUCKING BROKEN RIGHT NOW. Completely broken.

Comments (10)

  • Sorry Megan. You're completely right that nobody walks in your shoes but you.

  • I am sorry you are hurting so bad and that anything anyone offers up because they care only serves to upset you more. Yes, you are allowed to hurt, to wallow, to be miserable to be in pain, whatever. It's your choice. Sure it sounds like something no-one would choose, but if you refute any positivity or even a sympathetic/empathetic comment, then that is a choice. Again, sorry.
    We hate to see you suffer, but you say you don't care if we do. You swear and put us all down, almost as if a challenge, or a threat, to see who will bother to stick around.
    Why bother writing it here on Xanga at all, or have comments open, if it bothers you and you are just going to lash out at us? If it's not a cry for help, or attention, then you might as well just use a notebook instead of social media.
    Noone is trying to 'convince' you of anything, but we hope for the best outcome for you; Yes, of course sooner than later, because it sucks to see someone we like be so miserable.
    Would you rather someone say "Get over yourself, You aren't the only one who has been... (fill in the blank), and what gives you the right to be so insensitive as to piss on those who try to be nice to you"? Some people respond to that sort of "tough love". However, others don't.
    I don't know your deal. I don't know what you respond to best. Currently you don't want to do anything but feel whatever right now, so so be it. It's your life, despite the fact that you DO impact others around you. You don't give a shit. We get it now. Let us know if anything changes.

  • Reading that ^^ comment pissed me off. Shame on you, Crystalinne.

  • "Be like a glow stickā€¦ you gotta be broken to glow."

    I fuckin love that. Cuz that means you're about to glow. And I hope you glow brighter than all.

  • Princess, You never seem to like anything I say, if it's not your own opinion or way to deal with things, so you might as well get used to it, or learn to deal.
    Not everyone wants a "yes man" a liar who will say everything is roses, or agrees with everything just to let them hear what they want at the moment. Some like/need to hear raw truth. I know there is darkness in the world, and I know people are all different. I also know there is light and goodness. I have seen both ends of the spectrum.
    I like Megabyte. She knows that. (or should. I've been her friend for quite awhile now) I have been through crap myself so I don't just speak out of thin air. I know everyone is different and just told it like it is, saying there are different ways to deal with things, but yes, it's up to her.

    Yes, I've been beaten, I've been raped, I've been through divorce, I've had a perfectly healthy baby of mine die, I've had a hurricane take the roof off my home while I was in it with friends and family, and I've been hit by a drunk driver which fractured a bone in my son's neck and dehibilitated myself. So don't think I'm thinking I'm someone who hasn't experienced grief or hardship. One CAN get through devestating experiences and end up having a productive good life, and yes, there are counselors, medicines, faith or a variety of other things that one can CHOOSE to help one get through it. Even if it's just a distraction with nature, a hobby, friends, writing etc. But the victim has to want it for it to work or will be choosing to stay in a place of darkness and pain, letting the perpetrator of such pain move on with their lives while they remain stuck. I have seen it many times. I have friends who have been through many things, I have worked in a battered woman's shelter, on a crisis hotline, and with children from abusive homes. I have worked with several churches, and through private companies or personal hire.
    I'm not telling her what to do. I'm just hoping she does ok. She is suffering and it sucks. That should be addressed because I for one don't want to loose her, as I'm sure her innocent loving daughter, and other friends don't either, especially over something from the past which can be dealt with. She is alive, and when she is ready, can take strides to do whatever she wishes with that. I have seen her photographs and read her words. I have seen her happy, and hope she can again some day.

    If you, Princess are pissed off, well that is your perogative, just like my emotions are my perogative, and Megabyte's are hers.

  • sorry Megabyte that my 2 comments are so long. It's your blog post. You of course can delete them if you wish. I won't say anything else. You can contact me privately if you wish.

  • "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato

    Kindness matters. A truth spoken with kindness is a greater truth than one spoken out of frustration.


  • Megan
    I wrote this song several years ago, I think you might appreciate the lyrics.
    I really don't know what else I could say.

    of a cold dark heart
    haunting me
    I'm afraid
    I feel it beating hard
    nobody wants me

    of a cold dark star
    warning me
    it fills the night
    without a sound
    and I get carried away
    upon the breeze

    I will rock you
    until you fall asleep
    I will protect you
    hold you in the deep.
    Why won't you let me in
    just just let yourself go?
    Why don't you hold onto
    what you know is so?
    Sooner or later love has got to grow.

    I will rock you
    I will roll you
    I will hug you
    I will hold you

    Won't you rock me?
    Won't you roll me?
    Won't you love me?
    Won't you hold me?

    I can walk on water
    I can walk on air
    I walk on the nightfall
    so you better beware
    I'd walk into your arms
    and feel so warm
    I listen to your heart
    and I fear no harm
    If only you would hold me

  • Also, you might enjoy a little music I recorded last night. With much love...

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