I'm going to bring my facebook rants here...

Rant 1: I'm very very glad that we chose to send Brianna to public school. I happen to be surrounded by people who are very negative about public schools. Newsflash, not everyone is rich enough to send their kid to private school and not every child needs to be homeschooled. Brianna loves it, she's learning a lot and that's all that matters. I'm glad I wasn't some stick in the mud about it and negative like these other people. Kids can get a good education at a public school. *rolls eyes*

Rant 2: You ever heard the breastfeeding nazis say that your kids are only going to be healthy and smart if you breastfeed? After all, breast is best. *and hell, I fully support breastfeeding*. but I spent so much time beating myself up for it not working out and, guess what, my daughter is JUST FINE. she's healthy and she's smart. Yes, she's smart. She's doing very well in school.  She has a great memory! Hey, I want her memory! I wish I could memorize stuff as quick as she can, lol. Point is? if breastfeeding doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. Don't beat yourself up over it, becuase your kid will be just fine. It's really not the end of the whole world. It's really not even worth the emotional energy.

Rant 3: I swear to God, I'm sick of how people treat mental illness. Unless your a psychiatrist, I don't want to hear your opinion on what I "need" to do or don't need to do. Who the hell do you think you are? Why the hell are so many people insensitive and stupid? Maybe doctors love to just prescribe pills, but ... dare I say... SOMETIMES THOSE PILLS ARE EFFING NEEDED, DOUCHEBAGS! SHUT THE HELL UP.

Why do I have to be surrounded by all the idiotic assholes? Seriously... I'm tired of people shoving shit down my throat. I'm no longer listening to anyone. YOu're not my doctor, you don't know me or my pain, so shut up and leave me alone. And if you want to shove your thoughts down my throat, I will have nothing to do with you and your stupid ass. Thank you.

Yep, a very cold day in hell.

My hell...

We do that every year. i'm going to have to go back to when she was um... just a baby and see how she's grown every year. sniff...

She said today, "Next year, I'm going to be in first grade. When do I get to go back to kindergarten?" lol...

By the way, I could not ever ever ever be a photographer of children. You have to have patience out the wazoo and love to repeat yourself! lol. Just.No.

This expression cracked me up...

And then... this is my profile pic, but you can't see it.

I love long hair! And I have no desire to cut it yet. So yeah.

She made a card for our cousin Ryan

playdough, coloring book, crayons and stickers

Love the Target $1 Section!

and there's my baby ornament.

Uhhhh, she won! lol  Well, I won candy land, but she won everything esle, lol.

She dressed up as Jessie. I was rudolph the red nose reindeer

hehe... You know... I may be biased, but I think Megan is an awesome name!

After this, she put all those pictures together and made a "picture memory book"

Well, this is what I've been up to. Basically, my aunt is now in a nursing home/rehab center? for rehab... anyway... the company/guy who normally does her leaves has taken his sweet ass time and so, since we are currently incomeless, my aunt and her neighbor are paying "us" to do her leaves. (the reality is... Oh nevermind. wont' say it)

that's two days worth. We went over today, but... I now have a cold. I would love nothing more than to take it easy, especially since last week I was babysitting, then depressed the rest of the time...

But anyway...

It's also time for our yearly tradition... THE CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN.

So you know... after being busy all day with RAKING and SCOOPING and BAGGING leaves, we still had to put up the tree. that was our day one. (not to mention, this place is a mess. Yawn. I try to keep up. Yawn. I'm exhausted.)

This year, I decided to use this handy dandy dry erase board! This allows me to be able to change things up, if needed. And it's fun!

We did get it up! Hey, that was the goal! lol. But we can't find all the darn plugs for the lights. I feel like I've searched the whole tree! My memory from last year just aint all the good. And so... she wanted to decorate, but that will come later! Gotta figure out the lights! But hey, it's up! lol

Today is day two, but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to know what we're doing today!

“It is not uncommon for survivors to have flashbacks during sexual contact, in which a memory of the past abuse is triggered by a familiar touch, smell or position. If the sexual abuse included the use of violence or force, survivors may mix up sexual and aggressive urges. A history of sexual abuse can add confusion about a survivor's sexual preference.” Survivor to Thriver

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meh.

Off to work I go...

Truly have just completely lost my purpose.

I just hope I can snap myself out of it, before I do something really stupid.

I suppose I should first say Happy Thanksgiving. It really doesn't feel like it to me and part of me... really doesn't care. But I do hope you all have a great day. Second, my mom was going to a Thanksgiving thing and needed a b-day card for a 13 year old girl. She did not have a card. I have made plenty and have just been giving them to people. I love to mail things. I love getting mail, so I like to make people smile too. Originally, I wanted to sell said cards, however... I'm not a sales person. I find it rather awkward. Anyway, my mom looked through my cards and it... made me smile. She would stop and go "Ooooh, I really like that one. That one is pretty". She found 3 that she liked. She then said she would pay me for it (though I told her no) and she said, "They would cost quite a bit at hallmark". Well, maybe, but...

Anyway, it kinda made my day. I really like when my family acknowledges... me.

Anyway, something I've been struggling with.

I've been ummm.... You know.... I really loved my daddy. I loved the attention he gave me. But children are not ready for sex. Children are just... just... not ready for that. I have now ... sort of... gotten to a point where um... the idea of "sex" is kind of um... it's all just really really hard. I look around and I see or read things and I litterally just break down. I think that in my small little world, when I was a little girl, it was obviously something I was not ready for. And now... I guess... oh, it's hard to explain. I see the world and I just think people are really... disgusting. Sex, to me, shouldn't be something disgusting, but I feel that we have really turned it into something disgusting. And I don't... I don't want that. the  human body... is disgusting. People are... disgusting. Everything is too much.

Oh and sometimes when there are too many people around, too much noise, too much stuff... I just want to cover my ears and scream. It's like sensory overload. It's really hard.

I feel like I froze in time. I'm that little girl and everything around me is too much and I'm not ready for it and I don't know how to get past that...

I'm actually pretty positive that if you gave a bunch of teenagers real babies to take care of for 24 hours, that might be more effective birth control, lol.

Anyway... I just finished 3 days of babysitting.

I.Am.Exhausted.

For those of you parents out there with multiple children, my hat goes off to you. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you do it.

Now, not all moments were rough. In fact, Brianna was REALLY helpful at times. Other times, not so much, lol.

I have not showered in 3 days. SHUT UP!

lol

I'm about to go take a shower and go to bed. in fact, night one, I was in bed by 9.

Scary thing is, Brianna is reading over my shoulder and she can actually read some words now. What the heck? She just looks and seems more grown up.

Then it was like a shock going back to a 2 year old. I got to feed her spaghettios. Awww... I do miss feeding a baby. She was my girl. She didn't want anyone else in the house talking to her, lol. I'm a pro at changing diapers still! And today she pooped twice! Super pooper.

Anyway, yeah.

Oh man, she was an excellent napper, though. She was easier to put down for a nap, than Brianna ever was.

Now that thats over, I'm even more sure I can't and don't want have any more kids. While I am on the pill, and hoping to not have to go off of it soon, though I did lose insurance, I was considering that essure procedure which is permanent. You know, the coils in the ovaries. Oh, so I look it up and then I see all this negative stuff about it and like, great. What other option is there? Oh yeah, tubal. And that's surgery. So, men can get condoms for cheap or free and vasectomies that aren't that complicated, but we women have to jump through gosh darn hoops just to protect our damn selves. And we have more to lose. It's nuts. It kinda pissess me off, but whatever.

I'm going to go shower and sleep, lol. I'm pooped...

Ha, and I fed her a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. I think most of the peanut butter ended up on her face, rather than in her mouth.

I am sending out some Thanksgiving cards. If you'd actually like one, you can... Ohh, hmm, there is no message feature, lol. Well, you can send me your address and I'd send you one. But hmm... Anyway!

Next week, I will be babysitting a two year old. Just for 3 days. I have to wake up at 6 am and I'll have her between 7-5:30. In there, gotta get Bri to school and picked up and on day 3 she only has a half day of school. So, I will experience what life would be like with two.

There is this small part of me that wishes she was like a baby baby. lol I want to get my baby fix. But she's 2. She's super cute though! I'm going to take her out for walks and I just wish all of Bri's crayons weren't broken... (brianna purposefully broke them all), but we've got so many coloring books and she can color. And I have so many books i can read to her. And we'll watch Mickey Mouse, cause she loves Mickey Mouse. I know I will be tired. but hey, I'm gonna earn some money!

My aunt is not much better. When she fell, she was actually passing out. She has Afib. So that was a problem. Then her hemoglobin went from 14 down to 8 in a month and in one day it went down to 7. So she's losing blood somewhere. They want to do a colonoscopy. And she has a mass in her lung. So yeah. Off to the hospital to visit her today.

Have a good day.