Month: August 2013

  • The Never Fun One

    Disclaimer: There are people that I absolutely love and adore who are going through tough times. There are people that I don’t even know, who are going through incredibly tough times. We all have our own battles. While this post may seem “woe is me”, I need to vent about something that is hurting me. The hope is, that talking about it will eventually help aid in healing. Nothing else.

    It’s been like the story of my life. Ever since I was little, I was quiet, withdrawn, wanted to play by myself, didn’t want people around. My friend next door would call or want to play and I would try to come up with any excuse I could, just to get rid of her. I didn’t want to play with her. I wanted to play with my toys, my stuff, BY MYSELF. There were times I would get sick of her and purposefully start a fight, just to get her to leave me alone. One time, I pushed her off my porch (don’t worry, she punched me in the stomach).  There were other friends in the neighborhood. eventually, I was called a “bore”. a “couch patoato”. I was older than the girls I played with, but I needed my me time. I needed time by myself.

    And that’s how I’ve always been. Supposedly, when I was real little, I was very bubbly and outgoing. but something changed that. Hmm, I wonder what?

    Anyway, high school was miserable. I was the awkward, shy, quiet, teachers kid, with horrible acne and I smelled. I didn’t care about myself one ounce. Not one ounce. I wasn’t your average teenage girl. I was ugly. I was a loner. Even my best friend ditched me for the prettier, popular girls. I’ve always been off in the shadows. I had a hard time talking to and connecting with people, so people really never tried. They just left me alone.

    I’ve felt alone. I felt bad about myself.

    Even now, being with a group of people… Well, you know how they say you can feel alone in an extremely crowded room? I feel like that A LOT.

    I’m not fun. I was never “fun”. I was the girl who everyone found out was abused by her dad. Not only was she ugly and awkward (believe me, if you want picture proof, I”ll be happy to provide it. you can judge for yourself, but pretty sure you’d see exactly waht I’m saying), but she was sad and depressed too.

    People wanted me to perservere, push through, get back to “real life” (which was school. Huh). But I was much too serious.

    In many ways, I’m still much too serious. I need to talk about stuff to heal and I feel like people either get the impression that I’m ever the victim, always wanting sympathy or some such shit, or I’m just way caught up in my own life drama to care about anyone else and am no fun.

    However, the people who really know me, would know that I do have a personality underneath my shyness. they just actually took the time to TRY to connect with me and I trust them. So they can see the parts that don’t get shown to every person out there.

    But the fact that 95% of people around me, just think of me as the no fun, too serious, one… really does hurt me.

    I know that it is something I created for myself. It’s not their fault that they see that I’m really quiet and not fun. That’s what i put out there.

    But I am lonely.

    And I’m so sick of feeling guilty for every little thing.

  • Certain things are hard for me to deal with, when certain things are shoved in my face constantly.

    That is all…

  • Really, People?

    So, it would seem that a lot of people are truly in shock about Miley Cyrus’s performance at the VMAs. Okay, I admit, I thought it sucked. Her tongue thing just freaks me out and I don’t get the bears at all. (The reality is, though, she is 20 years old. She’s not a kid. She can do what she wants. Get the fuck over it)

    But am I truly that shocked? Umm, no. Not really.

    And yet, all over facebook, that seems to be all people are talking about. I’ve seen letters written to daughters, 10 things you need to tell your teenage daughter, blah blah blah.

    Oh please.


    I was even listening to the radio and one of the hosts said that she was just out on stage, being a whore. Hmm, I must have missed the part where she had sex with someone, on stage, and got paid for it? Others call her a slut and a skank. She was being “sexual” yes, but … does that automatically make her a slut or a skank? If she can grind against Robin Thicke and be called a slut, then he should get called a slut for … DOING THE SAME DAMN THING.

    But that brings me to my point. It’s a okay for guys to express THEIR sexuality, but not girls. hey, I grew up in church, where girls couldn’t show a knee or the guys would be drooling fools! Boys are run by their penis and they can’t control themselves! So we girls have to make sure we help them out! Cause they can’t help themselves! So when a guy wants to act like a, well, slut, it’s accepted. He can screw as many girls as he wants and gets called, “the man”, while a girl, who wants to sleep with who she chooses, gets called a slut for it.

    Why is it that females can’t be sexual too, without being shamed for it?


    I don’t get that.

    My husband was talking about how these x disney girls all turned out to be skanks. He mentioned Vanessa Hudgens. Ohhhhh, let me guess! She’s a skank, because she took a nude photo of herself and sent it to her BOYFRIEND, at the time, and somehow it got out?

    Alright, seriously… Seriously?

    Take away, girls, don’t take racy photos of yourself and give them to your SO. I guess that makes you a skank.

    You have to save your v card till marriage. There are balls and purity rings centered around YOUR virginity. (don’t see the same for guys. wonder why THAT is). If you give that away, you lose some of your worth and you’re suddenly a slut, while the guy gets a pat on the back.

    I remember watching this pastor talking to a bunch of teens. He was talking about purity and “saving yourself”. He talked to the girls and mentioned how, when you walk down that aisle, you want to wear a white dress… it shows your purity, your innocence, your commitment. Shit like that. I started crying. Because, when someone steals your innocence, you feel dirty and you feel like you lose your worth, too. It’s like a girls worth is tied up in her damn hymen.

    It’s ridiculously stupid and I’m tired of it. Sick and damn tired of it.

  • I need someone! Quick!

    I need a good swift kick in the ass, to get myself going.


    I’m sooooo sleepy.

    It was all that “swimming” at the beach! winky

    Oh man… I need to get my ass going.

    So someone! Kick! Kick my ass!

    I’m sure donkey guy would be good for this! lol silly Asses are good at kicking! winky

  • I’m a strange one

    I’m told to keep a mood and sleep journal. I’m going to use my planner. I did have a spiral notebook, where I was writing down my moods, as they changed, and keeping track of my sleep and stuff…

    funny thing. now that I’ve used that notebook for that, and plan to switch to just using a planner, I feel like that notebook is now a waste.

    I have to have a new journal, new notebook, for every little different thing.

    Like, the journal I have now, was meant more for writing down what I did throughout the day and positive stuff. I feel like throwing in bad stuff, or stuff about my crazy moods, is ruining it and I need a new journal for that.

    when I do writing, if I have a notebook with poems, It’s just for that. if I use it for other stuff, it just gets nuts.

    and then i get even more nuts, when I don’t have any notebooks left. then I just pace around like a fool and think think think, but yeah…


    I’m strange.


  • Naked Family Photo


    So one of our local radio stations is holding a contest!

    One person has to be willing to get head to toe naked, in front of as many family members as possible, for a family picture.

    The person who gets the most family members in their picture, wins a meet and greet with Adam Lavine (did I spell that right?)

    Anyway, can we say… shocked

    haha, no no no noooo

    the idea of being naked around family creeps me out. But, there are people who are willing. One girl, is going to try and talk her dad into being there, but isn’t sure he’ll want to. lololol… um…


    But I gotta say, interesting contest idea! lol

  • An Update!

    Uhhhh, yeah. For some reason, I really don’t feel like blogging lately. And, for me, that’s strange! silly

    So I started watching Orange Is the New Black, On Netflix. I’m now officially hooked…

    We’re getting ready for school! I’ve been getting Brianna on a schedule, to get ready for school. We’re up every day at 7.

    At first, it was a pain. Not only cause I wanted to crawl back under the nice, warm, covers and snooze the morning away, but because … so did she! lol  So day one it was like, “My legs are still tired!”  Day two it was, “Oooh, I hate this!!!!!”

    Then by day 3, she was good. And even on the weekends, we both tend to get up earlier. %^&

    Photo: Hilarious Animal Pictures

    And really… that is it…



    I live such an exciting life…

    I did jack up my arm. But that is not something I want to talk about.

    Keep on, keepin’ on…

    That is what I’m doing!

    Have a happy Friday!

    Oh, and My sister and I are planning on doing this Jingle Bells Run/Walk for Arthritis. It’s dec. 13th, I believe. Anyway, we’re thinking of dressing up like snowmen! silly

  • I wish I would throw up and get it over with…


  • I used to feel free

    I used those words. I felt free. I said I felt free. Let it be. I’m free…

    I talked about how hard it was to get through. Years… and years… years…


    And one day, it crashed back on me.

    now, I read other’s stories and I feel like I took 100 steps back. I see how free they are. I think, I was there… I thought I was there… I was… there…

    and my heart… my heart just…

    This is it.

    This is what happens.

    My heart…

    let it be. let it be.