August 29, 2013
Disclaimer: There are people that I absolutely love and adore who are going through tough times. There are people that I don't even know, who are going through incredibly tough times. We all have our own battles. While this post may seem "woe is me", I need to vent about something that is hurting me. The hope is, that talking about it will eventually help aid in healing. Nothing else.
It's been like the story of my life. Ever since I was little, I was quiet, withdrawn, wanted to play by myself, didn't want people around. My friend next door would call or want to play and I would try to come up with any excuse I could, just to get rid of her. I didn't want to play with her. I wanted to play with my toys, my stuff, BY MYSELF. There were times I would get sick of her and purposefully start a fight, just to get her to leave me alone. One time, I pushed her off my porch (don't worry, she punched me in the stomach). There were other friends in the neighborhood. eventually, I was called a "bore". a "couch patoato". I was older than the girls I played with, but I needed my me time. I needed time by myself.
And that's how I've always been. Supposedly, when I was real little, I was very bubbly and outgoing. but something changed that. Hmm, I wonder what?
Anyway, high school was miserable. I was the awkward, shy, quiet, teachers kid, with horrible acne and I smelled. I didn't care about myself one ounce. Not one ounce. I wasn't your average teenage girl. I was ugly. I was a loner. Even my best friend ditched me for the prettier, popular girls. I've always been off in the shadows. I had a hard time talking to and connecting with people, so people really never tried. They just left me alone.
I've felt alone. I felt bad about myself.
Even now, being with a group of people... Well, you know how they say you can feel alone in an extremely crowded room? I feel like that A LOT.
I'm not fun. I was never "fun". I was the girl who everyone found out was abused by her dad. Not only was she ugly and awkward (believe me, if you want picture proof, I"ll be happy to provide it. you can judge for yourself, but pretty sure you'd see exactly waht I'm saying), but she was sad and depressed too.
People wanted me to perservere, push through, get back to "real life" (which was school. Huh). But I was much too serious.
In many ways, I'm still much too serious. I need to talk about stuff to heal and I feel like people either get the impression that I'm ever the victim, always wanting sympathy or some such shit, or I'm just way caught up in my own life drama to care about anyone else and am no fun.
However, the people who really know me, would know that I do have a personality underneath my shyness. they just actually took the time to TRY to connect with me and I trust them. So they can see the parts that don't get shown to every person out there.
But the fact that 95% of people around me, just think of me as the no fun, too serious, one... really does hurt me.
I know that it is something I created for myself. It's not their fault that they see that I'm really quiet and not fun. That's what i put out there.
But I am lonely.
And I'm so sick of feeling guilty for every little thing.