The butterfly must spread her wings and fly, fly away…

I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of people jus think I’m a bitch, lolol… And if they think that, might as well give it to ‘em?

I’m a bitch. If you don’t like it, screw off.

So I had a chat with my aunt, today. And even though we got yelled at and cussed at, I always learn new things.

My dad went to jail when I was 14. I was not told all sorts of things, because I was too young. So now that I’m older, I learn more! And it’s fascinating!

Like, now, I dislike my old church even more than I did before! This one lady I know, I guess, pulled my aunt aside in the church, when she was there picking up market day, and told her she wasn’t a real Christian. My aunts response was golden. “I am nothing more than what 3 quarters of the people in this church are”.

lolololol. Hell yeah!

I guess, if you wanna follow their line of thinking, this is what ya do! k? are you listening? Good. here we go.

You find out your hubby is molesting your children. *unfortunately, it was church people that were told, wish I knew!*. You try to get help and get things in order for yourself, when your husband is arrested and charged. You then just get “legally separated”, as to not be divorced … because divorce is bad bad bad, no no no…. your “marriage vows” are way more important than the well being of you and your children, who have all been abused.

So you know what? I’m glad I don’t go to that church. For those who would call that sect a cult, I’d almost have to agree. I am kinda dumbfounded. I mean, I knew that the pastor didn’t agree with divorce, but my own gramma? She didn’t want her divorced and she witnessed physical abuse. Saving face in your church is just so much more important than YOU ever are. That’s the lesson there. I’m sure God said somewhere in that damn bible of his, that you must endure abuse, because if you say “I do” in front of a crowd of people, and sign a legal document, you’re just stuck for life. And if your spouse fucks your own kids? Well, those marriage vows shall keep you trapped to an abusive fuck.

What.The.Fuck. Exactly what bible are they fucking reading?!?!?

Thank goodness that, in the end, reason got through to my mom and she did divorce the sack of shit. But it’s shit that it was her own fucking church that discouraged it. A load of shit.

So, last night, while we were getting ready to eat dinner, I saw on the local news about Huckabee and his … douchey comments about women and birth control and libido and, you know what, fuck him.

Anyway, I get on my heavily conservatively friended facebook and say simply, “Wow. Huckabee is a jerk. And that’s me being nice. Some comments I wish I could unhear, because they make my blood boil”.

So of couse, NO ONE agrees with me. Well, maybe one awesome xangan friend, but that’s it.

Anyway, after a couple people go at it, my uncle, MY UNCLE, thanked another friend of mine for supporting as an intelligent woman.

oooh, ohhhh, so I’m not one of the intelligent ones?

Thanks UNCLE.

Fuck some family.

Here’s the thing. I’m angry. I’m healing. I was abused and I know I’m not the only one who has been through this and all, but MY JOURNEY FUCKING COUNTS TOO, and, if  one has a problem with that, FUCK THE HELL OFF. I’m in NO mood. I’m in the angry stage, working out my anger and kind of navigating through that, if you couldn’t tell, lol.

He then ued the word “libtards”. Soooo Christian of you. *rolls eyes*.

Anyway, I’m tired of feeling LIke I have to be silent for these jerkwads. I have my opinions too. And I didn’t mean to start some huge debate about birth control and government, but none the less… the conservative side has to stick their butt into everything and make it out like everyone else is wrong.

And now I’m just pissed off. I disagree with you, you disagree with me, but…. you don’t consider me intelligent? I’m your niece? and you’re being all serious?

Well, okay then. Fuck you, too. And I never liked you anyway. And I realize most people don’t like me either, so so be it. guess we are equal.

All I want Is a shit ton of chocolate and a ton of childhood memories erased. I’m just, you know, USING THE BRAIN THAT GOD EFFING GAVE ME AND NOT BELIEVEING EVERYTHING THE GOD DAMN CHURCH FORCE FED DOWN OUR FUCKING THROATS.

I also have this issue of not getting whats in my head out into words where it makes sense. And I feel like I get picked on for that. Well, hardy har har… good for you, you’re so much smarter cause you don’t have the problem and I do. I do my best, but yeah, it jut DOESN’T come out the way I want at all. I know what I mean, I know what I think, but I have a hard time getting it out of my f ucking mouth.

fuck people

being goofy.

Off to “work”… let the crazy weekend begin.

And, no fire and ice festival. boo.

On this friday, I will FINALLY be able to share my “announcement”, teehee.

At this point, I have to make it bigger than it actually is, just to keep me motivated and happy, lol. Otherwise, yeah…

Other than that, got nothing…

Actually there will be two good things about friday. And maybe it will kill my disappointment at having to miss the fire and ice festival, because I’ll be working all weekend, lol. Joy.

I’m an angry, bitter bitch, so… I don’t even give a shit.

It’s pretty embarrassing that I can’t even afford an apartment. Try to find something in a reasonable budget and, nope, doesn’t exist!

I don’t feel exactly welcome where I’m at, can’t really go anywhere else.

I don’t have a babysitter at the drop of a hat.

I don’t have rich awesome parents who can do everything for me, like other people seem to have.

I.got.nothing.

And well… I see why people flip out and do stupid shit. I’m about ready to do something really really stupid.

And if you’re one of those people who is just naturally fortunate, you got two parents, a super good job because you got your college paid for by mommy and daddy, I hate you. I hate you. fuck you.

I’m on a laptop and I hate typing on laptops, however… I am away from home for two days.  I feel kinda homesick and Just want to retreat into my little bubble for a while.

Before I get to what I really want to say… I have a weird birth control experience. or… I dunno what. But I’ve been on BC since May of last year. In all that time, never have I missed a period. It has been a big help in that department though (less misery). But this month, I totally missed my period, withdrawl whatever. Then, I was a week late being able to get my scrip for it. So, two weeks of no hormones at all, no period whatever. So now I’m back on it, but I’m really… not sure. I mean, I’m hungry all the time, my boobs hurt, I have this weird itchy rash on my face, crampy feeling a lot, peeing every 5 minutes it seems… what the heck?!?!? Oh, and I was nauseous… well, still am. Nothing horribly bad, but still. Wtf?!?!  Just off a missed week? will going back on it after missing just ONE week really do all that? I dunno… I’m just confused. Are you supposed to go to the doc if you miss two periods? I think that’s what it says to do.

Anyway… since I’m now on the topic of pills….

And since Xanga is mostly a ghost town anyway and I don’t trust the password protected posts (I saw someone else’s and clicked on it but couldn’t comment on it, as I needed the password, but I was able to read the WHOLE post in my feed. how is that supposed to be safe??!) So anyway, I reached out to my doc, went to a psych, felt like I was getting some help…

an antidepressant, told I had “borderline personality disorder” and left with bills… which I just simply regret. I don’t have Xanax anymore. If I really freak out, I take sleeping pills to calm down. yep… that works out really well. Not! I am off the antidepressant, as I can’t afford to go back to the doc, without insurance now, to get the refill…. I’ve gone off of it cold turkey twice and both times I literally lost it. I really felt like I could’ve killed myself.

Here’s the thing though. Some people are just…. really tough on me. I’m still surrounded by people who don’t support taking drugs. That drugs are not the answer. I feel zero support. there’s new stuff and I’m trying to get by.

I was told that I thought that no one else had experienced pain like I have and…. that’s just simply not true.

While I do whine and complain about life and stuff or express that I’m miserable, there’s more behind the scenes. There’s more that NO ONE realizes. I do look for solutions, I do try to make things better.

Bottom line, I do know that others experience pain. most of the time, I can’t read stories about people suffering, because it physically hurts that other people are hurting so much. there are many situations I’m glad I don’t have to live through. I have many things to be thankful for and I know that. I try to keep a gratitude journal, for example. I really do care about others. I’m not so far into myself, that I don’t care. I do.

I just want to express myself without judgement. And it just doesn’t seem like some want to give me that…

and it kinda hurts to be told about how awful I am, when I must show that to them, and know that… i’m not…  It makes me feel …. hurt.

I’m really not an awful person… And I really do try to make things better. And I do care about others.

Brianna: “I can’t sleep. every time I close my eyes, I see wizards!”

Me: “You mean lizards?’

Bri: “Oh. Yeah. Lizards”

lol

Today on the drive to my aunts.

D: “You shouldn’t judge someone by how they look on the outside”

*a few minutes later*

D: “I bet you that woman is anorexic”

Ohhhh, lololol… Uh huh… whatever you say!

Idiot.

My aunt is actually doing really well. She has been discharged from physical therapy, as she has refused any new treatment. I did however get her to want to do her exercises TWICE and she got dressed, went to the bathroom by herself, a few times, got up to fix herself an apple (she cut it up) and yeah. I have noticed quite an improvement in her.

So, we shall see!

And I’m irritated. My daughters teacher gave the students a coupon for ONE free book, at book order time. *sigh*. I put that darn coupon on the fridge and, surprise surprise, it went missing. and now, I’m angry. Because that’s trashed money! It’s a trashed book, basically. And I take that very seriously! You can laugh, but dude! It really sets me off and then I get really angry and irritated, lol. I wish people would PAY ATTENTION AND BE CAREFUL. GOD!

That is all. After “working” all day, 8am-7pm, I had to come home, give my daughter a bath, do laundry and shovel snow…

Yeah. Yeah. Pfft.

Okay, just looking for some… suggestions?

I’m actually, mostly, okay during the day. I’ve turned into more of a morning person than a night person…. which is ironic. However, sleep kind of scares me? I panic later at night. I feel very strange, like the world is ending and I just panic and freak out. The idea of “tomorrow” seems daunting and then I can’t sleep.

Not sure if it’s because of flashbacks and nightmares or what, but I just panic at night!

So any suggestions on how to handle that? I’m reading my “books” and I’m sure they’d have some tips. I just need to learn how to calm down. And it’s rough, because deep breathing and what not I’m sure would work. It’s just calming down to the point where you can “focus” on something else. I just kind of shut down and nothing seems to help. the idea of trying anything even seems hard.

So I dunno!

For the life of me, I can’t remember which pictures I’ve posted and which ones I haven’t, so oh well.

The crazy rollercoaster ride begins again on Thursday. I have two days of, somewhat, calm…

I’m just SOOO super thankful I don’t have to be over at my aunts when the physical therapist comes tomorrow! Phew!

She may get discharged from physical therapy tomorrow, but… who knows. She wants her to try the basement stairs. And, she can randomly pass out and she’s not always steady on her feet and that’s why we didn’t want her going near stairs, but… whatever.

But I still have to be over there when the social worker comes.

I suppose it’s good I’m learning some of this now?

Like how it’s good to really plan your funeral down to the shoes you want to wear in your casket (unless, of course, you want to be burned). OY….

Today, I was walking out to get the garbage can. I walk pretty fast. But then I had to remember! Ice! Our sidewalks are really icy. And even though it was “nice” out (I consider 40 degrees to be like summer, at this point), there was still ice. I fell last year Didn’t want that to happen again. I’ve slid a few times, but thankfully no falls

Meh…

Well, time to go … I don’t know what.