January 17, 2014
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Just gotta get this off my chest
I'm on a laptop and I hate typing on laptops, however... I am away from home for two days. I feel kinda homesick and Just want to retreat into my little bubble for a while.
Before I get to what I really want to say... I have a weird birth control experience. or... I dunno what. But I've been on BC since May of last year. In all that time, never have I missed a period. It has been a big help in that department though (less misery). But this month, I totally missed my period, withdrawl whatever. Then, I was a week late being able to get my scrip for it. So, two weeks of no hormones at all, no period whatever. So now I'm back on it, but I'm really... not sure. I mean, I'm hungry all the time, my boobs hurt, I have this weird itchy rash on my face, crampy feeling a lot, peeing every 5 minutes it seems... what the heck?!?!? Oh, and I was nauseous... well, still am. Nothing horribly bad, but still. Wtf?!?! Just off a missed week? will going back on it after missing just ONE week really do all that? I dunno... I'm just confused. Are you supposed to go to the doc if you miss two periods? I think that's what it says to do.
Anyway... since I'm now on the topic of pills....
And since Xanga is mostly a ghost town anyway and I don't trust the password protected posts (I saw someone else's and clicked on it but couldn't comment on it, as I needed the password, but I was able to read the WHOLE post in my feed. how is that supposed to be safe??!) So anyway, I reached out to my doc, went to a psych, felt like I was getting some help...
an antidepressant, told I had "borderline personality disorder" and left with bills... which I just simply regret. I don't have Xanax anymore. If I really freak out, I take sleeping pills to calm down. yep... that works out really well. Not! I am off the antidepressant, as I can't afford to go back to the doc, without insurance now, to get the refill.... I've gone off of it cold turkey twice and both times I literally lost it. I really felt like I could've killed myself.
Here's the thing though. Some people are just.... really tough on me. I'm still surrounded by people who don't support taking drugs. That drugs are not the answer. I feel zero support. there's new stuff and I'm trying to get by.
I was told that I thought that no one else had experienced pain like I have and.... that's just simply not true.
While I do whine and complain about life and stuff or express that I'm miserable, there's more behind the scenes. There's more that NO ONE realizes. I do look for solutions, I do try to make things better.
Bottom line, I do know that others experience pain. most of the time, I can't read stories about people suffering, because it physically hurts that other people are hurting so much. there are many situations I'm glad I don't have to live through. I have many things to be thankful for and I know that. I try to keep a gratitude journal, for example. I really do care about others. I'm not so far into myself, that I don't care. I do.
I just want to express myself without judgement. And it just doesn't seem like some want to give me that...
and it kinda hurts to be told about how awful I am, when I must show that to them, and know that... i'm not... It makes me feel .... hurt.
I'm really not an awful person... And I really do try to make things better. And I do care about others.
Comments (3)
Megan, I'm so sorry you ever have to explain yourself. Sometimes, I just wish things could go without saying, but I know you've got judgemental people around you who feel perfectly justified saying whatever they want to you and will call meanness "tough love" in order to justify their judgement. I've seen it here, too. You deserve so much more grace and freedom.
About birth control, when I was on it, extra stress would make me skip or go light. It made me crazy and I was forever buying pg tests. Then, when my neurologist told me to stop taking them immediately, my cycle was f'd up for months as my body worked itself back into hormone balance by itself. I skipped a whole month. Then had two cycles the next month. All the while, my hormones were kicking my butt. I can feel those hormone surges, those nausea waves. And I'd bet anything that's physically what's going on with you. Hormone surges as your body tries to get in balance.
I am sorry you cannot express yourself openly without being criticized. Many people will try to put you down for taking drugs---I take 6 every morning plus over the counter pills and I am an a 80 year old church going sometimes kind of old man.
My single daughter had to use birth control to control some kind of disease that attacked her ovaries. Once in awhile she had problems. You gals sure go through a lot compared to guys.
Hope you have a good weekend
frank
Regardless of how people feel about it, since you are without insurance, have you looked into the Obamacare insurance program? I feel pretty certain you would qualify for help. I know in NC where I live, places like certain hospitals will help people sign up and see what subsidies they qualify for. Do they have that where you are?