I wanted to do a new post, but I have nothing to say... All I really want to do is puke.

so there. there's another pointless post.

Heh, my birthday isn't for a while, BUT, I know what I want! LOL. Will I actually get it? Well, that's a crap shoot! But a girl can dream

An ipod! A blue one! I learned that those little suckers have more to offer than just music and now I understand the price tag! lol *There's a lot I don't know*

But yep!

In other news, I am sick! I need my cough drops, some tea and some tv and rest. I hope that by next week, I can make up some new plan to get me through these days. We shall see.

I was looking at this picture, the other night, and I started to tear up. Yeah anyway... lol

Back when I was 18, out of highschool, not sure what to do with myself, my sister helped me come up with a college plan. Without even thinking about all the other details, cough money, that go into college, she helped me plan all 4 years, with what classes I would be taking and what not.

My major was going to be Criminology and I was going to go to Eastern Michigan University.

Obviously, that did not happen! But, it was fun thinking about how we sat down and planned it all out!

While I did some study in psychology, nothing I could ever get a job with. I thought I wanted to be a social worker and then quickly changed my mind.

My sister went for Early Childhood, because our church was pressuring kids to go off to christian colleges and, though she really wanted to be a nurse, their nursing program had a big wait. So instead of following her true dream, she went for early childhood for 2 years. Then she decided that, no, she wanted to be a nurse, and did a two year program at the community college for nursing.

She is now a nurse on the mother/baby unit. She used to work on the burn unit. *shudders*

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a "title". "I'm a nurse. I'm a firefighter. I'm a computer programmer. I'm an artist. I'm a photogrpher. I'm a personal trainer". Etc... on and on.

But aside from wanting to be a "rock scientist", in the second grade, my next big choice was to study criminal justice and be a detective. And yet... I still don't have any idea what I truly want to do, lol. Go figure.

Well kinda. You know, I almost feel kinda safe her, publicly ranting about the deep stuff I feel. Because this place feels so... empty. That's why it feels safe. But then if I really pay attention I'm like, gulp, I shouldn't feel so safe doing that, lol. Oops.

Oh well. I feel lost anywhere I go.

So I hope some of you xangans are all well!

There is not any medication, or any amount of therapy, or any number of hugs that will ever, ever, ever take this pain away. It's haunting. It's torture. And I am stuck. I drag through my days. But I'm still here. But this holding on and being strong stuff? Yeah... not sure how much longer I want to do it.

Okay, so maybe I wouldn't go as far as to say she is "fat shaming", however.... There are those who think people getting up in arms over this picture are nuts.

So here are my thoughts.

First, I'm happy for this woman. She has obviously tained hard, she looks good and she's passionate about something and makes time for it, with 3 young boys.

Secondly, I do, however, take issue with the "what's your excuse".

No two lives are the same. And some moms out there can train all they want and they STILL won't look like HER after having 3, or even less, kids.

EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.

I thought we knew that by now, but whatever. This is the society we live in.

women have a ton of pressure on themselves to get back to there pre baby weight. We hear about it endlessly. Celebrities are "back in shape" after so many mere weaks, even though they have access to the best trainers and tons of money to boot.

The point is, WHY DO WE CONTINUE TO PRESSURE WOMEN WTIH STUPID IDEALS!

You may not have washboard abs. You may not want to train like an athlete. Maybe you're so stressed out, that the idea of just getting 30 minutes of a workout in a day is ENOUGH. You should be happy with that.

What's their excuse? Please...

So yeah, when I saw this picture, I took it one way and maybe other moms took it another. Some maybe find this positive inspiration and if that's the case then good. I however know others will just feel MORE pressure, feel WORSE about themselves.

And to me, that is not a good message at all. Intended or not, it came across. And that is not positive. At all.

You know what's exhausting? Fighting for your own life. *again, just gonna rant about me and I'm sorry, because I know everything could be worse and i'm just whining. I'm at least acknowledging it*

I decided I needed to fight for my life. I'm switching doctors. The wait is long. I'm getting therapy. Something I want, but I am scared.

I took a break from my meds, as I couldn't afford them. Ooooh, bad idea. Now I'm back on them and  I just feel sick. I'm so out of it.

Honestly, I'm just exhausted. I'm exhausted.

The only one who will and can fight for me is me. I'm trying to do what is best. I'm just in a bad spot and I am trying, but I don't have all the answers, I don't know if I'm doing all the right things. I just hope that it can all get better.

YOu can go screw yourself.

I officially don't give two shits about anything.

Whatever I do manage to end up doing, I'll just keep to my damn self. Why? Because f*** the world!

I'm a whiny little baby and therefore I truly truly truly don't deserve the same type of love, compassion or really any shit, so... yeah.

I'm exhausted. I'm drained. And no one gets it. So everything can go screw itself and leave me the eff alone.

I know that the dream ummmmm... fudge, I have a hard time remembering words right now, ooooh, interpretations? Say that pregnancy or childbirth dreams are a sign of things in your life changing? Or your fears of being pregnant? or something like that. Anyway the point is, I'M SICK OF THESE DREAMS.

Today, it just is hard to hold back the tears and I don't even know why!!! I don't get it. What the heck is going on in my head? Yes, things are changing in my life. In fact, I am undertaking some rather big changes. But what the heck? Why can't they be about something other than pregnancy and labor? I don't get it!!!

I have another decision to make about something unrelated to this... and i'm still not sure what to do. I think I need to think some more.

Oy... I just need to cry. I feel kind of silly, lol. At the same time, I'm like... dude! I'm fine! Why do I need to cry, today?

Fudge you, dreams. Fudge you!