In an effort to cheer myself up... I'm having a down day. Need some strength. Or something. So, here are some pictures I wanted to share. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy and believe I have nothing to offer this world. But ... This is... important to me. So I'm sharing it. Sorry if they are small. Not sure how to fix that...
(I was going to post a vlog, but I can't figure out how to link a youtube video)
I think training with kickboxing is good for me. I feel powerful. I feel strong. I feel capable. It's good for my confidence. So this is some of my motivation. I feel like I'm going to come away stronger. I'm a fighter.
And this picture is just a random one I wanted to show you guys. 
I can do it. I'm in a place where I swear... I'm going to do it. I'm a fighter. I'm not a quiter. I've got my gloves on and I'm ready for it. Bring it.
This is something I've wanted to do for a long, long, long, long time! And today, I did it! I ordered some cards, used some of the pictures I had and yay! Can't wait to do more!
Today, just another success!
Hecckkk yeah! Also... I LOVE kickboxing.
At the end of the piloxing dvd I have, she ends the same way she ends all her classes, I guess. "Sleek, sexy, powerful!" I LOVE that.
Just two things I'm passionate about! Picture cards and kickboxing!
well, not super special, but... lol I mean, if you want to call washing trash cans "special" 
But no, this was a project I set out to do and today it got done. I mean, look at how clean those trash cans look (Oh, one of them is a clothes hamper). Also, notice the picnic table. Used to be pretty black with dirt, but now look at it! proud moment of the day. I'm just thankful for rubber gloves and an mp3 player.
And a bonus pic for the hell of it. Brianna wanted me to be a cow... Mooo!
Well, that would be my first 2.0 pic uploaded!
Hope you all have a fabulous weekend!
I'm just bummed out...
This is... different.
Meh.
I just adjust to change slowly...
Disclaimer: There are people that I absolutely love and adore who are going through tough times. There are people that I don't even know, who are going through incredibly tough times. We all have our own battles. While this post may seem "woe is me", I need to vent about something that is hurting me. The hope is, that talking about it will eventually help aid in healing. Nothing else.
It's been like the story of my life. Ever since I was little, I was quiet, withdrawn, wanted to play by myself, didn't want people around. My friend next door would call or want to play and I would try to come up with any excuse I could, just to get rid of her. I didn't want to play with her. I wanted to play with my toys, my stuff, BY MYSELF. There were times I would get sick of her and purposefully start a fight, just to get her to leave me alone. One time, I pushed her off my porch (don't worry, she punched me in the stomach). There were other friends in the neighborhood. eventually, I was called a "bore". a "couch patoato". I was older than the girls I played with, but I needed my me time. I needed time by myself.
And that's how I've always been. Supposedly, when I was real little, I was very bubbly and outgoing. but something changed that. Hmm, I wonder what?
Anyway, high school was miserable. I was the awkward, shy, quiet, teachers kid, with horrible acne and I smelled. I didn't care about myself one ounce. Not one ounce. I wasn't your average teenage girl. I was ugly. I was a loner. Even my best friend ditched me for the prettier, popular girls. I've always been off in the shadows. I had a hard time talking to and connecting with people, so people really never tried. They just left me alone.
I've felt alone. I felt bad about myself.
Even now, being with a group of people... Well, you know how they say you can feel alone in an extremely crowded room? I feel like that A LOT.
I'm not fun. I was never "fun". I was the girl who everyone found out was abused by her dad. Not only was she ugly and awkward (believe me, if you want picture proof, I"ll be happy to provide it. you can judge for yourself, but pretty sure you'd see exactly waht I'm saying), but she was sad and depressed too.
People wanted me to perservere, push through, get back to "real life" (which was school. Huh). But I was much too serious.
In many ways, I'm still much too serious. I need to talk about stuff to heal and I feel like people either get the impression that I'm ever the victim, always wanting sympathy or some such shit, or I'm just way caught up in my own life drama to care about anyone else and am no fun.
However, the people who really know me, would know that I do have a personality underneath my shyness. they just actually took the time to TRY to connect with me and I trust them. So they can see the parts that don't get shown to every person out there.
But the fact that 95% of people around me, just think of me as the no fun, too serious, one... really does hurt me.
I know that it is something I created for myself. It's not their fault that they see that I'm really quiet and not fun. That's what i put out there.
But I am lonely.
And I'm so sick of feeling guilty for every little thing.
So, it would seem that a lot of people are truly in shock about Miley Cyrus's performance at the VMAs. Okay, I admit, I thought it sucked. Her tongue thing just freaks me out and I don't get the bears at all. (The reality is, though, she is 20 years old. She's not a kid. She can do what she wants. Get the fuck over it)
But am I truly that shocked? Umm, no. Not really.
And yet, all over facebook, that seems to be all people are talking about. I've seen letters written to daughters, 10 things you need to tell your teenage daughter, blah blah blah.
Oh please.
I was even listening to the radio and one of the hosts said that she was just out on stage, being a whore. Hmm, I must have missed the part where she had sex with someone, on stage, and got paid for it? Others call her a slut and a skank. She was being "sexual" yes, but ... does that automatically make her a slut or a skank? If she can grind against Robin Thicke and be called a slut, then he should get called a slut for ... DOING THE SAME DAMN THING.
But that brings me to my point. It's a okay for guys to express THEIR sexuality, but not girls. hey, I grew up in church, where girls couldn't show a knee or the guys would be drooling fools! Boys are run by their penis and they can't control themselves! So we girls have to make sure we help them out! Cause they can't help themselves! So when a guy wants to act like a, well, slut, it's accepted. He can screw as many girls as he wants and gets called, "the man", while a girl, who wants to sleep with who she chooses, gets called a slut for it.
Why is it that females can't be sexual too, without being shamed for it?
Hmmm?
I don't get that.
My husband was talking about how these x disney girls all turned out to be skanks. He mentioned Vanessa Hudgens. Ohhhhh, let me guess! She's a skank, because she took a nude photo of herself and sent it to her BOYFRIEND, at the time, and somehow it got out?
Alright, seriously... Seriously?
Take away, girls, don't take racy photos of yourself and give them to your SO. I guess that makes you a skank.
You have to save your v card till marriage. There are balls and purity rings centered around YOUR virginity. (don't see the same for guys. wonder why THAT is). If you give that away, you lose some of your worth and you're suddenly a slut, while the guy gets a pat on the back.
I remember watching this pastor talking to a bunch of teens. He was talking about purity and "saving yourself". He talked to the girls and mentioned how, when you walk down that aisle, you want to wear a white dress... it shows your purity, your innocence, your commitment. Shit like that. I started crying. Because, when someone steals your innocence, you feel dirty and you feel like you lose your worth, too. It's like a girls worth is tied up in her damn hymen.
It's ridiculously stupid and I'm tired of it. Sick and damn tired of it.
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