God, it hurts so bad.

I don't even know if I can explain it very well... I'm creating this space in my mind.

I read that it's good to practice abdonimal breathing and deep relaxation whatever for anxiety and what not. Meditation. Anyway, I hardly feel good at that, but maybe that's part of my problem, LOL.

anyway, moving on...

There's this space in my head. It's an open field and there's all different types of pretty flowers. I'm there, alone, with my camera and maybe a good book and maybe my favorite songs. But it's just me there. Alone. And even though it's a large, open space, there is NOTHING else around. Almost like being in a bubble. It's safe there and I don't have to worry about anything. I can take pictures. I can lay in the grass and stare up at the sun. It's perfect weather. Kinda like fall, but not too cool... not too hot. Just right.

Anyway, things are just perfectly at peace. There is nothing there out of place. It's all just right.

And honestly, if I could leave this world now and go there, I would so do it in a heartbeat.

You know, there is a lot of beauty here in this world. Specifically nature. I love nature. The world is beautiful. People do things to make certain things ugly and I don't want to fixate on that or anything, but... all that ugliness? I want no part of anymore. I want to escape it. And I know I can't fully.

But that place in my mind. I can go there. I can be safe there. It is perfect. It is not ugly. The things of this world don't matter and are far away from me and I am at peace.

I just have... a lot going on right now. I'm an emotional mess of a person. I used to be able to come here and just pour my heart out and honestly I need to do that... though I'd probably have more sucess with a paper journal. I've been trying to journal my feelings more.

I just need to cry and cry and cry. I feel like a shitty, shitty person. I feel broken. I feel like I need to apologize for everything. The way I am, my feelings, everything. It's just not fair.

Oh well... that's all for now.

Okay so honestly, yeah, haven't felt like blogging and honestly hardly ever even sign in. Honestly, xanga is just NOT the same anymore and I can't quite get used to it and my personal life is... well, lets not go there. but as I sit down right now and browse through others blogs, I see some things I clearly missed. things I wondered about and didn't know... And now I feel like the biggest douche bag ever. Sorry to my friends on here... because i missed some important things and well... I am just a douchebag.

It really is a sucky feeling to feel in debt to someone. Feeling like you owe someone something. That sense of debt to someone, maybe even multiple people, makes me feel bad and really out of control.

That aside, I just don't feel like blogging much.

was being way to open on here to begin with...

Oh well...

I'm just a little down. that's all.

Yes, that's right. Still sick. boo.

The other morning, at around 3 am, I had that "feeling". I couldn't sleep and knew it was coming. I threw up.

I hate throwing up with a royal passion. It was awful. I'm still not sure why, lol.

I still have a cold and my neck hurts. I just feel physically week. And we've had out of town family in for a visit, so it's been busy and all I've wanted to really do is sleep. And yesterday my cousins and all their kids came over. Ugh. that's 6 children! I was one who ended up outside with them all.

Anywhoo, today is a take it easy day. I just want to feel better!

Now, off to drink my tea! And one of these days, I swear, I'm gonna catch up with many of you, cause I hardly ever just sit and really read anything these days. So sorry!

First of all, thank you to those of you who left such nice comments on my last post. I am sick with a cold, and supposed to be napping, but I can't breathe and, therefore, I'm up... thinking! What am I thinking about? Well, here goes...

Having kids is such a HUGE responsibility. Yet, many people just jump right into parenthood without much of a clue. I mean, yeah, there's no perfect time and you can't ever be "ready", but there are also good indicators of BAD times to have kids.

If you think having a child will help your struggling relationship, wrong. If you can't afford to have a baby, not good. If you don't have space for a baby, not good. Now, if something happens and a baby comes into the picture, you make do and you figure it out, but to actively STRIVE for a baby? Not good...

For a long time, I decided that I just wanted to be a mom. I really wanted to be the typical stay at home mom, maybe who used cloth diapers and made her own baby food, etc... However, that didn't pan out. Things suddenly went in a spiral for me.

You realize maybe a little too late, that the person you just created life with is lazy and/or isn't all with it. You don't have as much support and help as you imagined having. I didn't. I still don't. I mean, my husband does do stuff, but we're not a team. When he would get sick, the world was over and I had to cater to his every whim. When I am sick? Tough. I got a kid to take care of.

I don't care what your job is. At the end of the day, if you have a kid, you take care of your kid. I don't care if youe wife or husband stay home, once you're home from work, you are 100% supposed to be involved in YOUR kids life. I don't care what excuse you can make up! You dont' get a free pass to be a lazy son of a bitch. You come home from work and you PARENT your child. You don't leave that on your spouse.

There are plenty of single parents who DO IT ALL. Why do you get to be a lazy ass? Hmm? There are moms and dads out there working 2 damn jobs to support their kids, still come home and have to take care of their kids. If you are whining about being tired from work, SUCK IT UP, PRINCESS. You created life. You are now responsible for that life.

And for dads, for the love of god, appreciate the sacrifices the mother of your children made to bring them into the world. Pregnancy and labor aint no joke and it's serious stuff. For me, it was hellish at times. The least you can do is help out a bit and suck it up. Deal with the emotions and hormones. You're not having to personally do it, so be a man and HELP OUT in whatever way you can and don't bitch about it. All you really had to do was orgasm, I think you can put in effort somewhere else and, you know, be a decent human being.

bottom line, you create life, you take care of it. Don't leave it up to someone else to do it. And if you can't manage that, then take precautions to keep it from happening. For the love of God, REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS AND DON'T DO IT. If you're truly NOT ready, DON'T DO IT.

That is all for today. Phew.

Not that it looks THAT different, lol. I'm keeping it long. But I always get a picture after a haircut and i figured, geez, i haven't posted in a while, so why not!

Hope you all are doing amazing! <3

I've only had to delete, oh, 24 spam comments on here, today.

Love signing in and seeing 5-6 new spam comments.

Good Grief!