I have to be careful what I say here...

Well... I don't know...

Today, I am tired and my back is killing me. Not sure why exactly. I mean, the other day I did a workout, went out and raked leaves and then just walked. it was like thats just what my body wanted to do. I took a long walk and actually took some pictures and came back home.

I've felt a few times like i need to pass out. I get dizzy and cold and my head gets all fuzzy.

One day, I thought I was going to throw up.

Not sure if these physical things are really problems on their own, or if they are emotional or because of psychological issues?

I dunno.

So anyway I uh... Yeah.

Sooooo tired.

I came home and saw him walking up and down the driveway.  I didn't want anything to do with him and I just wanted to find a way into my house. He walked toward me and I walked away. He was rude and annoying. I finally get in the house. I thought that was safety. I'm in the house, he's out of the house. I then look out the window and see him acting like a fool. I could tell he was drunk and then I thought that I should call the police. Don't have a restraining order, but I still thought they'd deal with it... But I didn't get the chance.

He made it into the house. I told him not to touch me, but he did. And then he grabbed a knife and when he put it to my face...

"This time, you're not going to be so lucky"

Nothing, that's what. Do I really give a shit about what people think of me? Obviously not. So screw it.

I may not be intentionally trying to end my life, but I am slowly dying. Right now, it's whatever can kill the pain. Whatever methods I can think of to seriously just knock the fucking pain right out.

I don't even want to be conscious.

But everyone can continue on telling me what they think is best for me, what will work for me, how I'm going to be fine and get through it.

Not one person walks in my fucking shoes. not one. Don't tell me what you think. Fuck you.

I know what's going on. I know what I'm fighting. And if i come out the other side, IT'S BECAUSE I FUCKING DID IT MYSELF. Not because anyone convinced me it was what was best for me. It will be MY decision. And if i don't, SAME THING.

And you know what? I'm allowed to fucking hurt. Be like a glow stick... you gotta be broken to glow. Well yeah, I AM FUCKING BROKEN RIGHT NOW. Completely broken.

I've been having a bit of a rough time. It's hard to explain really and I'm not going to get into all the details that really I don't want anyone to even know. One day, I cried basically the entire day. I just couldn't stop. I felt miserable. Flashbacks, new memories of past trauma, I dunno what the hecks been going on, but that's been an issue. And sleep is a pretty good rescue spot. I honestly ... Well, I dunno.

I always manage to make myself feel even more guilty for feeling the way I do. I feel bad, then I feel even worse because I feel bad and I feel that I shouldn't be feeling that way and then I feel bad because I don't feel allowed to feel anything, even though I still do and I just make myself feel really guilty. Feelings of guilt and shame and being dirty.

Anyway... Just trying to hang on and fight through it and take it really minute by minute. Not even day by day. Right now, it's minute by minute...

I feel like it just happened yesterday....

There is a pitch black room. It's a very big room and there is only one door to get out. No windows. Just one door. You can't see anything and there are a million obstacles all over the place. Eventually, your knees are bloody, you have bruises, maybe a broken bone or two, stubbed toes, soreness, cuts... all in search for the door. Searching for your way out. And maybe eventually, bloody and broken, you can find the door...

I'm looking for the door.

So many thoughts. So many feelings. No where to go with them. No way to really get them out. If the goal was to be as isolated as possible, then I have succeeded.

*sigh*

Well, the other day we were outside playing after school. My daughter went over to play with the kids next door. They kicked the soccer ball over our fence so lucky me had to go get it and throw it back over. In the process of doing that, I spotted something lying in the grass. It certainly looked like an animal, but I was confused! So I go check it out and it's a raccoon! And it wasn't dead. It was alive, but it couldn't move much. It looked pretty sick.

Anywho, after learning that raccoons can be vicious and what not, and I don't really want rabies, I backed away from it.

My mom called the county and they said it had to "distemper" and we should let nature take its course and then, once it died, double bag it and get rid of it.

So she called the city. A police officer came over to take a look and what not.

So he sees the raccoon and he goes, "Oh yeah! Well, this is what is going to happen. I'm going to have to shoot it and unfortunately it has to be done here. Just keep your kids away from the window"

So after retrieving 2 large garbage bags and a shovel (and in the process of getting the shovel, knocking a bunch of stuff down and making a ton of noise), I go inside and eventually hear not one gunshot, but two.

I know it's good the raccoon is not suffering anymore, but dang!

So the nice police officer bagged up the raccoon and put it in his trunk and took it somewhere. and there is a nice pile of dirt in the yard, probably to cover up the blood.

Gotta say, that's a first! I've never been that close to a raccoon and I've never had anything happen like that in my yard!

But still... poor raccoon

Did this workout...

"deceptively challenging" she says. Huh! Yup, it was! lol

I was sweating. And I was surprised. I thought, oh good, a nice relaxing, workout. But nope! You get worked! And it does feel good. It's like all the elements of exercise that are amazing all in one package.

I thought it was only 30 minutes, but I was wrong. It was 45 and I thought it was never going to end, lol, but that's because I was sweating and a bit breathless and... yeah. But it did feel sooooo good! I have another video by her.I think she's amazing. I love her energy!

Other than that, stayed busy. I have a checklist of things every day and, while I didn't accomplish all of what I have set out to do, I did accomplish some. And while I could beat myself up for having not done all of them, I feel like I should celebrate what I did accomplish.

haha...