As I was standing in my kitchen, drinking my coffe or water, I started thinking about that darned drivers license. One thought ran through my head, "I don't think I can do it". I'm also very emotional today, so I started to tear up, lol. I think it's that time of the month, that would explain why I'm crying at the drop of a hat.  *Speaking of which, I need to consider birth control. *groan**.

Anyway, I'm petrified of the idea of driving. I'm afraid of being in an accident and killing myself or someone else. Actually, if I killed someone else, I'd feel MUCH worse. There just seems to be too many things to focus on and I struggle with that. I'm also afraid of having car trouble out in the middle of a road, somewhere. Thankfully, we have good insurance with roadside assistance, so I don't know why I'm SOOO worried over that.

That got me to thinking, though, about past challenges and fears I've had. I always had this fear of being in public places alone. I can go to the grocery store with a friend, but the minute we seperate I get really anxious. I also get anxious in large crowds. even with my sister at the mall, the other day, it was packed and I started to feel a panic attack coming on. I was able to manage it, though. When I was 18, I got an opportunity for a job. Working in the mail room at a lawyers office. I was recommended from a lady at our church, at the time, and she had rec'd others who had been hired for various jobs. I went to the interview, even though I was scared to death of that process. I just was myself and i got through it. The lady was super nice and it didn't seem like an "interview", it seemed like we were just having a conversation. I think all employers need to be like THAT, personally. I got the job. I got scared. I freaked. I ended up in the hospital. I turned down the job. I let that fear get the best of me. *Though, they ended up laying off a bunch of people and they moved to a new place pretty far away, so that job wouldn't have lasted anyway. Phew!*

But still.

When we landed the apartment managing job, we didn't really have an interview. Just a talk about expectations, what the job entailed, stuff like that. I was still scared to death. I had been trained for a few months. I also hate talking on the phone. But that was part of the job. That was one of the parts of my job that i HATED. lol  I remember one day, my MIL was still training me. I was in the middle of having a new renter fill out paperwork. Someone called and I answered. I answered all the questions, blah, blah, blah, very calm and professional. Once I was off, My MIL was lke, "Good job, Megan!".  I felt so accomplished. LOL.

And then there was the first day on the job... Thankfully, My Sister in law was still in town. I was nervous about being all on my own. All of a sudden, two police officers walk in. That was fun. They were looking for someone and that person didn't rent that apartment, but they still wanted to go up and check. They wanted me to go with them. Of course, I had to stay by the stairs and out of the way "just in case". I tell ya, fun stuff! I'm like, great!! All was good.

I guess my point is, until you're in moments that scare you, you don't know how you're going to handle it. I handled that job, that scared me out of my mind, for a year and a half. Even though, I still had my husband to call on when I needed help. He was the one that worked with the difficult people. If i knew a person was an @$$, I'd let him work with them. Most of the people there were super nice!

Basically, If I can remember these past challenges and how i overcame them, I should be able to know that I can overcome the new ones. The new things that are challenging me.

I'll use this as another example. You know, I definitely believe that God only brings things into our lives that He knows we can handle. I do believe in the, "If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it".

Something I know I never could have been prepared for. The day we were supposed to testify at my dads trial. It was an open courtroom. When we were in there earlier, there was a man on the stand talking about his traffic ticket. I was like, "Really? from traffic tickets to sexual abuse of children?". Seemed odd that they'd have a child get up on the stand to talk about sexual abuse, in an open court room with who knows who. But that day, my dad waived his right to a trial. Maybe it was a selfish choice on his part, to get less time, but I like to think he did that for OUR benefit. Maybe God knew that was something I couldn't handle. I had other things i had to do, during that time. Other things I had to work on. I'm glad i didn't have to do THAT too. And back then? Of course things were hard. Duh. But I GOT THROUGH IT.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm not telling myself more often, "If you could do THAT. If you could deal with THAT? You can definitely deal with anything!".

I need to keep all that in mind!  it will all be worth it. Work hard, deal with the fear, it will all be worth it.

If you don't know what the Day Zero Project is... Well, go to DayZeroProject.com and see for yourself.  I can only explain it like this. You get 2 and half years-ish to accomplish 101 things. well, it's called 101 things in 1001 days. Someone on xanga inspired me to do it, back in 2010.

Soooooo, I have a list of, currently, 121. However, I've only accomplished 40 something. I'm not even halfway through. My time is up in Mid October.

And I'm not a huge fan of some of my goals, anymore. I was telling my sister about it and how i just wanted to "start over", because I have new goals and I want more time. I also want to simplify things. A lot of what I wanted to do would take money. You think  that in 2 years or so, things will change. Well, they haven't.   But, who knows in another 2 years, from now, how things could be different? So I was thinkig of just starting over. but then I feel like I'm not finishing what I start, but technically I'm not going to be able to finish 101 things by October! That's crazy.

My sister did that, though. She started over. She re-evaluated her goals and changed it so she could accomplish things by the time she's 30. I could do that, instead. Make a list of things I want to do by age 30. That would give me 5 years to accomplish them. I can make it whatever I want and who says I have to do 101?

Stuff I'm thinking about. The advice part was, should I give up and start over? Or should I just "stick with it"? I think I already made up my mind, anyway, but you can still give your opinions!

*Here are some of the goals I finished, in the last 2 years*

Donate Hair to Locks Of Love

watch 2 movies at the cinema in the same day -- That was fun!

Write a short story

Potty Train Brianna -- Woot!!!

Lost 15, then 20, then 30 lbs! --- yayayayay!!

********

Okay, so here are some new ones I have. I'm trying to just re-evaluate my life and things I want in my life and I'm trying to not do stupid goals like "finish a word search book or complete a coloring book or buy a lottery ticket".

Go Horseback riding

take a balet class -- no laughing. I'm serious. but that may not mean I don't suck at it.

Do some 5k walk

Take a picture every day for a year

Take a photography class

Volunteer to do something...

*******

So, yeah!

In other news... My husband called this morning. He goes, "are you looking for a step?" I was like, "a step?". He meant a workout step, you know. So, of course, that's a yes. Then he goes, "Okay, you owe me $5". Hmmm... how does he know I have $5?????

lol

His hours at work are also being cut, as of today. So, I'm a little worried about finances. Thankfully, he still has his overnight hours, but now he'll be home most of the day Tuesday, Thursday and all day Friday. He'll only be working in the evening for only like 4 hours. Sometimes less. So a good chunk of hours are gone. Hopefully, they'll find something else for him to do. someone else for him to work with. But his job is like this. It changes ALL the time. Just have to go with the flow and try not to worry about it.

Meh.

Anyway, I've got a lawn to mow and lunch to make and a house to clean and... AHHHHH! It's supposed to be 80 degrees. I'm thinking... Sprinkler? lol

I'm broken. Just broken.

Like a pencil... right in half.

It's going to take time to repair... if it even can be.

And I've been fighting and trying and fighting and trying and no one sees it.

So I dream of flying away to a place where there is no pain and there is no hurt and I don't have to be scared of anything and no one or thing will ever hurt me or break me ever again.

And then I think about God and how he's the ONLY one who will ever even give a shit. To an extent no one else can, at leat. And how good it would feel to be loved like that.

And then I think about how even HE wouldn't be proud of me.

I'm just broken.

I just want to go to bed and sleep for a year... and maybe when I wake up, things will be better, and this will all be over.

This will all just be over. All just be a bad dream.

I just want it all to be over.