Long time, no see. I primarily blog on wordpress now, but just checked in to see what's going on here. Funny though... I think my blogging days here will just be forced to be over in October, as that is when my "subscription" ends. I assume it's still pay to blog? haven't heard anything in forever. I enjoy wordpress though. but some of you I really miss! There's just a way that xanga gets the words to flow, that no other place can. Nope!

news? nope. I did get glasses though. Guess i was more blind than I thought.

I got two pairs... that's just the one. in the car. after I got them. yep.

anyway... sigh.

For a while, I was on an anti depressant. I thought this was a good thing and, at first, I felt it was working...

But then it felt like it wasn't... and then I went off of it cold turky, went through the withdrawl, which is hell...

and I was left worse off than I started?

LOL.

I'm wondering if maybe I should look for more natural ways to beat this...

Because I'm walking around in a fog. Like a zombie. I constantly think of what death would feel like and it starts to seem like a good idea. I literally walk around feeling like everything is hopeless. I can't even imagine any type of change.

Well... this is just all wrong to me.

So not sure what to do about that, but just a thought I was having. Quite frankly, the waves of all the different emotions I have is driving me insane and I'm sooooo tired.

I apologize for my being a pessimist.

If only making friends wasn't so hard...

You have to somehow just throw yourself out there, but that's not me. I'm painfully shy. I have nothing interesting to say. I'm awkward. It's rough. And I really do miss having that friend that you can pretty much talk about anything with, it's not awkward, you just understand each other and have similar hobbies to enjoy together.

Oy...

Somedays I think, hmm... maybe it's possible...

and then I feel like reality slaps me in the face and I just go back to hiding...

Oh well...

This place is just... so not what it used to be. Xanga is pretty depressing right now.

Interesting.  they say, without thinking too much about it, just write whatever comes to mind. "I am..."

I did that for other people as well.

It's easier to see and even point out the good qualities in others.

And it's so easy to see and point out all the negative things about ones self.

My list was mostly negative.

I've been feeling kinda blah, lately. there is a lot of things I don't like about myself and, even if I'm told different, I tend to doubt and not believe it.

Meh. I dunno.

but, I'm trying to come up with ways to help that. work in progress.

where there is one breakthrough, there must be more coming. Or at least I can hope!

I dyed my hair. now it's got some red . First time i ever did that by myself. I don't think I quite did it enough, but that's probably for the best. At least its not something super dramatic, lol. but I like it.

I am tired.

And I feel like I made a bit of a breakthrough.

Shut up or talk.

I think that's what it boils down too.

I think that talking helps, but then I'm wrong. I'm trying to figure out exactly what to do, which path to take and who not to rely on or trust (which is most everyone, at this point) and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

This whole year... all of 2014...  I don't think there's been one day I haven't cried. I don't think there's been one day that I've felt truly "happy". I'm a mess. And the more I try to find someone to listen, the worse it gets.

I feel like I should just shut the hell up and hide away in my hole, cut people out of my life. What are friends and family for? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I feel like my heart has been crushed a million times and it kills me.

I serioulsy just hope to survive this. Cause i'm not sure i have it in me...

I start to think that, maybe, if I wasn't for men in general, we women wouldn't be so damn insecure!

I got my haircut recently. It's shorter than even I wanted, as the girl gets snip happy. I'm not the only one who feels that way. Anyway, I just remember comments....

Like, don't cut your hair too short.

Or I liked your long hair better

or, long hair is sexy...

Of course, there are probably dudes who think short hair is sexy. And it really shouldn't be about the hair, but how the girl pulls it off.

All I can say is, all the comments I've seemed to get about hair, have made me pretty damn ax

The butterfly must spread her wings and fly, fly away...

I've come to the conclusion that a lot of people jus think I'm a bitch, lolol... And if they think that, might as well give it to 'em?

I'm a bitch. If you don't like it, screw off.

So I had a chat with my aunt, today. And even though we got yelled at and cussed at, I always learn new things.

My dad went to jail when I was 14. I was not told all sorts of things, because I was too young. So now that I'm older, I learn more! And it's fascinating!

Like, now, I dislike my old church even more than I did before! This one lady I know, I guess, pulled my aunt aside in the church, when she was there picking up market day, and told her she wasn't a real Christian. My aunts response was golden. "I am nothing more than what 3 quarters of the people in this church are".

lolololol. Hell yeah!

I guess, if you wanna follow their line of thinking, this is what ya do! k? are you listening? Good. here we go.

You find out your hubby is molesting your children. *unfortunately, it was church people that were told, wish I knew!*. You try to get help and get things in order for yourself, when your husband is arrested and charged. You then just get "legally separated", as to not be divorced ... because divorce is bad bad bad, no no no.... your "marriage vows" are way more important than the well being of you and your children, who have all been abused.

So you know what? I'm glad I don't go to that church. For those who would call that sect a cult, I'd almost have to agree. I am kinda dumbfounded. I mean, I knew that the pastor didn't agree with divorce, but my own gramma? She didn't want her divorced and she witnessed physical abuse. Saving face in your church is just so much more important than YOU ever are. That's the lesson there. I'm sure God said somewhere in that damn bible of his, that you must endure abuse, because if you say "I do" in front of a crowd of people, and sign a legal document, you're just stuck for life. And if your spouse fucks your own kids? Well, those marriage vows shall keep you trapped to an abusive fuck.

What.The.Fuck. Exactly what bible are they fucking reading?!?!?

Thank goodness that, in the end, reason got through to my mom and she did divorce the sack of shit. But it's shit that it was her own fucking church that discouraged it. A load of shit.

So, last night, while we were getting ready to eat dinner, I saw on the local news about Huckabee and his ... douchey comments about women and birth control and libido and, you know what, fuck him.

Anyway, I get on my heavily conservatively friended facebook and say simply, "Wow. Huckabee is a jerk. And that's me being nice. Some comments I wish I could unhear, because they make my blood boil".

So of couse, NO ONE agrees with me. Well, maybe one awesome xangan friend, but that's it.

Anyway, after a couple people go at it, my uncle, MY UNCLE, thanked another friend of mine for supporting as an intelligent woman.

oooh, ohhhh, so I'm not one of the intelligent ones?

Thanks UNCLE.

Fuck some family.

Here's the thing. I'm angry. I'm healing. I was abused and I know I'm not the only one who has been through this and all, but MY JOURNEY FUCKING COUNTS TOO, and, if  one has a problem with that, FUCK THE HELL OFF. I'm in NO mood. I'm in the angry stage, working out my anger and kind of navigating through that, if you couldn't tell, lol.

He then ued the word "libtards". Soooo Christian of you. *rolls eyes*.

Anyway, I'm tired of feeling LIke I have to be silent for these jerkwads. I have my opinions too. And I didn't mean to start some huge debate about birth control and government, but none the less... the conservative side has to stick their butt into everything and make it out like everyone else is wrong.

And now I'm just pissed off. I disagree with you, you disagree with me, but.... you don't consider me intelligent? I'm your niece? and you're being all serious?

Well, okay then. Fuck you, too. And I never liked you anyway. And I realize most people don't like me either, so so be it. guess we are equal.

All I want Is a shit ton of chocolate and a ton of childhood memories erased. I'm just, you know, USING THE BRAIN THAT GOD EFFING GAVE ME AND NOT BELIEVEING EVERYTHING THE GOD DAMN CHURCH FORCE FED DOWN OUR FUCKING THROATS.

I also have this issue of not getting whats in my head out into words where it makes sense. And I feel like I get picked on for that. Well, hardy har har... good for you, you're so much smarter cause you don't have the problem and I do. I do my best, but yeah, it jut DOESN'T come out the way I want at all. I know what I mean, I know what I think, but I have a hard time getting it out of my f ucking mouth.

fuck people