I will still be here, and be blogging here, till the bitter end. I'm probably just that obsessed with this place. And I still hope this is all one big bad dream or some sick joke and xanga's gonna be like, "Yeah, late April Fools! We got you!" (cause that would be AWESOME right now. Please please!). But in the event that this place does tank...

Always good to have a plan B!

I made a wordpress a while ago. It's actually one I like. WordPress is hard to navigate, but it was meant more for my photography and some poems and random thoughts.

http://capturelife26.wordpress.com/

So, follow me if you wish.

I was thinking of creating a whole new facebook, just to add xangans on. Instead of just adding to my normal facebook, since I don't feel as free with family and people I know reading. But for now... that's just an idea. if I get around to it, I'll do it and what not. Otherwise, you can friend me on facebook. As others have said in their own stuff about facebook, a message with who you are might be helpful, lol.

facebook.com/megan.f.drollinger

I'm assuming I linked that right. Just copy and paste I guess.

And then there's just good old fashioned email.

And anyone is free to email me and that may turn out to be one of the best things, who knows!

Megabyyte1@yahoo.com

And then I do have yahoo IM, Megabyyte1, for anyone who even does that anymore, lol.

But that's about it.

So, follow where you want, if you wish. Up to you! I'm still gonna be around here, though. And I hope all works so that xanga can stay around, even if it does change a lot. Ugh. But you know... such is life. It sucks. But what can we really do about it?

I just know that I consider many of you valuable people in my life, even though we've never "met". And I don't want to lose you guys. So any way you can keep in contact, please do!

9 years here. 9 years.

This has been my "home". When I needed to vent or talk about stupid stuff or post things that were important to me, this is where I would come. Here. No where else. Here.

For 9 years. 9 years.

I have met SO many amazing people. Friendships I have made through this site that really only exist ON THIS SITE and those friendships are now being threatened.

Regardless what happens, I feel like I'm going to lose friends.

There is not ONE place for blogging that has a community like xanga. Not one effing place.

And that's going to be ruined. Completely ruined.

In 6 weeks?

I have a wordpress. hardly use it. It's not the same. I have xanga friends on facebook. It's still not the same. Nothing can beat this place, here. This is my "home", this is where good friends are...

and you're killing that. You're totally killing that.

I can't even...

I can't even believe it.

Thanks, xanga, for ... everything and nothing, all at the same time. And thanks for making me cry...

Okay, I'm stealing this idea from @olwd

It's a reverse survey thing. You just fill in the blank. I think this is a fun idea, lol. So please, DO IT!  I'm not desperate I swear

(Fill in the Blank)

1) I ____ Megan.
2) Megan is ____.
3) If I were alone in a room with Megan, I would ____.
4) I think Megan should ____.
5) Megan needs ____.
6) Megan will never ____.
7) I want to _____ Megan.
8) Someday Megan will be ____.
9) ____ is how I would describe meeting Megan.
10) I read Megan's blog because _____.

 This works out well, cause I had nothing else to blog today...

Monday is grumpy! Wednesday is humpy!

But in other news, I'm agitated and frustrated...

Anyway, pics! I was a bit off my game. Just didn't care as much. *shrug*

Brianna sitting on my head. This is what I got, when attempting to get a picture with her. Oh well! lol

Smile!

My new favorite lunch. doesn't make me nauseous!

New flip flops. I think they're fun.

Besides her running, there is a story here. My 12 year old neighbor chopped down the stuff back there. I spent 2 hours cutting it all up even further and bagging it. Oh and in the rain. Made for a fun experience.  I still have more to do. 

I thought these were interesting

Tea party after her bath

*******

Song that is helping me today, pink's perfect...

"You're so mean  when you talk 
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices  in your head 
Make them like you instead.

pretty,pretty please
don't you ever,ever feel
like you're less than
less than perfect
Pretty,pretty please
If you ever,ever feel
like you're nothing
you are perfect to me"

have a happy happy hump day!

I hereby declare Mondays (future Mondays) as Grumpy Day! Don't worry, it's all in good fun. It's supposed to be funny. Anyway, Obviously it's not Monday, but I wasn't going to do this yesterday, lol.

so anyway, here's a grumpy face for you!

I will *try* to include a silly grumpy face with every post. Or something! This is actually from last week. But whatever. A post run grumpy face. See I wore my color run sweat band! hehe. Oh, shoot, where did I put that thing? Doh!

So now for my favorite grumpy cat of the week...

bahahahaha....

And just for fun...

*%@#^

Things that make me grumpy,

those crazy neighbors who start fireworks on Memorial Day and they last ALL FREAKING SUMMER LONG. I'm going to find out who you are! And when I do, be prepared! You will find lots of gum in your hair! Cause you annoy me that much!  kisses!

When you put something frozen in the microwave to defrost, get distracted and forget to take it out ... ... ... yeah.  

Doing yard work in the rain.  I had that pleasure yesterday, lol.

Overplayed songs on the radio. Like, enough is enough, already!

I heard this song last night. It's called Cruise, by Florida Georgia Line. Hmm, never heard of them! But I love the song! So, this is my favorite part of the song, just some of the lyrics. Ahhh....

"When that summer sun fell to its knees
I looked at her and she looked at me
And I turned on those KC lights and drove all night
'Cause it felt so right, her and I, man we felt so right

I put it in park and
Grabbed my guitar
And strummed a couple chords
And sang from the heart
Girl you sure got the beat in my chest bumpin’
Hell I can’t get you out of my head

Baby you a song
You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise
Down a back road blowin’ stop signs through the middle
Every little farm town with you

Baby you a song
You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise
Down a back road blowin’ stop signs through the middle
Every little farm town with you
In this brand new Chevy with a lift kit
Would look a hell of a lot better with you up in it
Come on

Baby you a song
You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise
Come on girl
Get those windows down and cruise
Aww yea"

I guess that is all for this edition!

Go have a grumpy fun Tuesday!

I was kind of excited when my mom said we'd drive to the cemetary and see my grandpa's grave. I probably have been there before, but I must have been little, because I don't ever really remember going.

We stopped and got a flag to put on his grave. He did serve. I have a picture of him in his uniform, but not scanned into the computer.  Maybe if I find it sometime, I'll post it. Would have been nice today, but that's okay.

He died before I was even born. I never did get to meet him. But I'm proud of him. This man I've never met. Only wish I could have met him. But that's okay.

Pulling up to the cemetary, It was busy and there were services going on. Seeing all the flags and the people by graves, made me emotional.

God Bless all those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for our freedoms!

I've been on xanga now for about 9 years.

I obviously didn't come here with the intention of looking for people who had gone through similar experiences as me, but that turned out to be one big perk about xanga. I joined the blogring (blogrings don't seem to matter much these days, lol) Sexual Abuse and Rape Network? Something like that. I met a few different girls who I became friends with.

Well there was this one girl that I pretty much just followed. I would read her stuff. I was still pretty shy and didn't have many friends. I was more the silent lurker, reading peoples stuff and not leaving comments, lol. Anyway, I found her very... inspirational. She used that as her way to heal and then it's also like a platform, if you will, to then help others. And you know... I've felt like maybe that's something I could do, but then I really don't know. I've tried, but I don't know if I actually help anyone by talking about things. anyway, that's not the point...

I found her channel on youtube. Cause she eventually left xanga and I don't think she ever really came back. I haven't seen her in years. When I sign back into my very old accounts, i still see that I'm subscribed to her and I would go there and see, but there's nothing new. Anyway, I found her on youtube. Amazing! She still looks the same and she's still just as inspirational as ever.

It looks like she uses her youtube channel to kind of document her recovery process. that's not all I've seen, but I'm just saying... A lot of it is about her recovery process. I watched one video tonight of hers. Oh man...

She was in a rehab facility, to get help for dealing with all the abuse she had suffered as a child. She was in it for 50 days. She was tearing up and crying and talked of her 11 year battle with depression and how scared she was that she was never going to really be okay. That her medication was no longer working. Basically, how deeply abuse affects a person.

One of my thoughts was, man, I just want to kill the people who hurt her, becuase here is this beautiful young woman who is worth SO Much and has so much to offer the world, and she's hurting so much because these people hurt her and how could they do that? I hate people like that. You hurt this amazing person. I want to kill you. But that doesn't really solve anything.

Anyway, but ... it just reminded me that... you know what? Yeah, abuse really does deeply impact and affect a person. Obviously, I know that. I started to think i was okay and, yeah, things can just come at you like a ton of bricks one day and, boom, your world is back to being this crazy place and you don't know what to do.

Just today I was standing in my yard, watching this old man next door walk back to his van. This old man has owned that house since as long as I've been alive. He would rent the house out. I had a couple friends who lived there once. Their mom moved in with the guy who was living there. HIs name was scott. And I remembered sleeping in his room, one time, when I spent the night over there. I thought that if my mom knew we were sleeping in Scott's room, she probably wouldn't have liked that. And as I watched him walk away, those memories kind of came at me and... I guess I can't really... it was really strange. I kind of got a chill. And honestly, this is happening more to me now. New things pop into my head. And it's hard to tell what happened, sometimes. If there was more or not. I don't know. Even with my dad. I just don't know. It's like there are memories still trapped in there that want to break free and maybe, maybe one day they will. And as those memories break free, it seems like I'll have a new hell to deal with all over again. It all comes straight to the surface. I feel sometimes like I'm in a car that's going underwater and ... yeah.

I've battled depression for a long time, too.

I was told by someone a while back that I was this bubbly little kid, who loved to talk to people and was pretty outgoing and then one day, I just became quiet and withdrawn and it turned out that it started happening, during the time my dad was abusing me. I mean, hey, i remember! I remember being that little girl kind of full of life and I remember turning into a girl who was scared of everything.

I don't know who I would be, if I hadn't been abused. I know who I am right now. I'm not sure I want to know who I would be. And maybe I would be better! There's no way to tell. But despite all the hell, there's something there. I look at Emma. She's having a tough time, she's crying, she wants to be okay... and I still see this beatiful girl who really has A TON to offer the world, who through her tears and hell is BREAKING the shame that comes with sexual abuse.

I'm kind of blown away.

Sexual abuse is based on lies, manipulation, shame. ANd breaking THAT silence and breaking THAT shame and talking about it, screaming about it, letting it out and letting other victims know IT'S OKAY TO TALK ABOUT THIS, TO BREAK OUT OF THAT SHAME AND THAT SILENCE, is an incredibly amazing and beautiful thing.

And I am SOOOOOOO proud of her for doing that! So proud of her.

Our little adventure together tonight... drum roll please...

Slurpee's from 7/11. Yep. We walked up to the 7/11 and got a slurpee.

She picked the Mountain Dew one, lol. I got Watermelon Lime.

Then we slowly walked back home, where she was saying, "The sky is beautiful, and the trees our beautiful, and the sidewalk is beautiful, and the floor is beautiful, and the grass is beautiful, and the leaves are beautiful and the brown part of the tree is beautiful and everything in the whole world is beautiful!"

Then we played some baseball! That's what we do, we play sports. We like soccer, football and basketball. But we went to the Dollar store today, too, and I got her a bat and a ball.

She drew the bases on the ground with chalk.

I was able to run all the bases, but it was hard to actually hit the ball, lol. The first time I hit the ball, it went soaring into the neighbors yard, lol. errm ooops!

Then we sat on the porch and watched cars go by. And I got a picture of the pretty tree. It was pretty much perfect out. chilly, coat weather, but that beats 80 degree sweat fests!

This little girl and I are a team in life. I'm going to enjoy these little outings, making memories and she will know she can talk to me about anything.

And I continue to get even more brave. It was actually really refreshing. Walking home sipping a slurpee. Ah, the simple joys in life.

I'm a bit of a perfectionist. So this is something that is already frustrating me to tears. I have already been reduced to a pool of tears over this stupid crap. I need some suggestions. I'm not sure what I'm doing.

I'm trying to sell these two bayonets on ebay. I decided to get the pictures of them today and actually strive to get them listed. Although now I think I need to take a break to not get so frustrated. But I took the pictures and I think the pictures SUCK ASS.

I don't know how to get good pictures of these things. And I was told to get a close up of the dates on them, except you can hardly see them!!!!

These are just a few of them...  I think the lighting sucks. I tried it three different ways, none of which made a damn difference. So just tell me what you think of the pictures. Do they suck? Are they fine? Is there another way I could do it? Does any one have any suggestions, cause I don't know and I think I just need to stop for a while. lol

I'm not sure... lol

This one is from 1907. I can see it. But barely. 

The other one is from 1903. Again, I can barely see it. NOt sure anyone else will be able.

 My idea would be that more pictures are better. It just seems like a better idea to have a bunch of pictures, as opposed to just a couple, to give a better idea. Just for some reason, it seemed hard to get any good ones.

so, I don't know. any suggestions?

If you have any, I appreciate it.

May not be super happy for me, but I still hope everyone else has a happy hump day. I soon have the feeling of yet another violation upon me. Yay. Oh, to be normal for once. *And spare me the, "no one is normal" lecture. I really am not in the mood for it. I know what I mean. that is enough.

So, Pictures from the last week or so. Meh...

My Mother's Day card from Bri

Well, no, this was really her card for me. The coloring picture was what was "in the card". It's a picture of her and me.

That was the back

Then she made a mother's day card for ALL the mother's in the world...

I actually enjoy playing on that scooter too

My neighbor has a lilac bush. I don't remember it from last year, lol. but this year it's there! And i'm not sure I like the smell, because it tends to start giving me a headache...

Later...