You know what's exhausting? Fighting for your own life. *again, just gonna rant about me and I'm sorry, because I know everything could be worse and i'm just whining. I'm at least acknowledging it*

I decided I needed to fight for my life. I'm switching doctors. The wait is long. I'm getting therapy. Something I want, but I am scared.

I took a break from my meds, as I couldn't afford them. Ooooh, bad idea. Now I'm back on them and  I just feel sick. I'm so out of it.

Honestly, I'm just exhausted. I'm exhausted.

The only one who will and can fight for me is me. I'm trying to do what is best. I'm just in a bad spot and I am trying, but I don't have all the answers, I don't know if I'm doing all the right things. I just hope that it can all get better.

YOu can go screw yourself.

I officially don't give two shits about anything.

Whatever I do manage to end up doing, I'll just keep to my damn self. Why? Because f*** the world!

I'm a whiny little baby and therefore I truly truly truly don't deserve the same type of love, compassion or really any shit, so... yeah.

I'm exhausted. I'm drained. And no one gets it. So everything can go screw itself and leave me the eff alone.

I know that the dream ummmmm... fudge, I have a hard time remembering words right now, ooooh, interpretations? Say that pregnancy or childbirth dreams are a sign of things in your life changing? Or your fears of being pregnant? or something like that. Anyway the point is, I'M SICK OF THESE DREAMS.

Today, it just is hard to hold back the tears and I don't even know why!!! I don't get it. What the heck is going on in my head? Yes, things are changing in my life. In fact, I am undertaking some rather big changes. But what the heck? Why can't they be about something other than pregnancy and labor? I don't get it!!!

I have another decision to make about something unrelated to this... and i'm still not sure what to do. I think I need to think some more.

Oy... I just need to cry. I feel kind of silly, lol. At the same time, I'm like... dude! I'm fine! Why do I need to cry, today?

Fudge you, dreams. Fudge you!

God, it hurts so bad.

I don't even know if I can explain it very well... I'm creating this space in my mind.

I read that it's good to practice abdonimal breathing and deep relaxation whatever for anxiety and what not. Meditation. Anyway, I hardly feel good at that, but maybe that's part of my problem, LOL.

anyway, moving on...

There's this space in my head. It's an open field and there's all different types of pretty flowers. I'm there, alone, with my camera and maybe a good book and maybe my favorite songs. But it's just me there. Alone. And even though it's a large, open space, there is NOTHING else around. Almost like being in a bubble. It's safe there and I don't have to worry about anything. I can take pictures. I can lay in the grass and stare up at the sun. It's perfect weather. Kinda like fall, but not too cool... not too hot. Just right.

Anyway, things are just perfectly at peace. There is nothing there out of place. It's all just right.

And honestly, if I could leave this world now and go there, I would so do it in a heartbeat.

You know, there is a lot of beauty here in this world. Specifically nature. I love nature. The world is beautiful. People do things to make certain things ugly and I don't want to fixate on that or anything, but... all that ugliness? I want no part of anymore. I want to escape it. And I know I can't fully.

But that place in my mind. I can go there. I can be safe there. It is perfect. It is not ugly. The things of this world don't matter and are far away from me and I am at peace.

I just have... a lot going on right now. I'm an emotional mess of a person. I used to be able to come here and just pour my heart out and honestly I need to do that... though I'd probably have more sucess with a paper journal. I've been trying to journal my feelings more.

I just need to cry and cry and cry. I feel like a shitty, shitty person. I feel broken. I feel like I need to apologize for everything. The way I am, my feelings, everything. It's just not fair.

Oh well... that's all for now.

Okay so honestly, yeah, haven't felt like blogging and honestly hardly ever even sign in. Honestly, xanga is just NOT the same anymore and I can't quite get used to it and my personal life is... well, lets not go there. but as I sit down right now and browse through others blogs, I see some things I clearly missed. things I wondered about and didn't know... And now I feel like the biggest douche bag ever. Sorry to my friends on here... because i missed some important things and well... I am just a douchebag.

It really is a sucky feeling to feel in debt to someone. Feeling like you owe someone something. That sense of debt to someone, maybe even multiple people, makes me feel bad and really out of control.

That aside, I just don't feel like blogging much.