I want to be kissed like that.

So romantic. Isn't it?

*sigh*

lol

I consider myself a fairly reserved person. I have secrets. I have deep thoughts that I DON'T share. I have questions and concerns that I NEVER talk about... but I want too.

Some of it is so personal, that I don't think anyone would understand. So I keep it to myself and don't talk about it. In fact, the only one who knows is God, because I've talked to Him about it some and he knows my heart. He knows my thoughts.

Anyway, just thoughts that I would love to share with a best friend and I have a best friend, she is my sister. I don't talk about it.

I guess I'm afraid to hear, "I told you so".

I could have seen this coming a million miles away, but when you're 19... you just don't think it would matter. Oh, but it does.

Anyway, these things burn in me. Things I want to let out. And yet, I don't feel like there is a "safe place" to share any of it.

Life is funny. I don't believe that living a life of regrets is worth living. We make mistakes, so we need to pick ourselves up and go on. But, sometimes... funny how that sounds much easier than is.

Regrets, I have a few.

I really do.

Or I don't.

I don't know how I feel.

I guess I'm stuck to my fairly reserved self, because this is as much as I can really share.

*sigh*

"Thank you Florida, Kentucky, and Missouri, which are the first states that will require drug testing when applying for welfare. Some people are crying and calling this unconstitutional. How is this unconstitutional? It's OK to drug test people who work for their money but not those who don't?… Re-post this if you'd like to see this done in all 50 states."

This was on a friends facebook status. Hey, whatever. Drug test people who get welfare, I don't care. I don't think it's unconstitutional to do that.

I do have one problem with this statement.

"It's OK to drug test people who work for their money but not those who don't?"

Not EVERYONE on welfare, DOESN'T WORK. HELLO! A lot of people STILL have jobs and DO WORK, they just don't get paid jack sh**, so shut up.

Seriously.

Sorry for cussing, I just get tired of that. I realize there's a stigma to welfare and that the abusers definitely give it a bad name (I still can't quite figure out how people abuse the system. When I was on welfare, we  had to provide like everything under the freaking sun, so how can these people actually abuse the system? They must be slick or something. I don't get it. But I know it exists. I just wish EVERYONE, who is on welfare, wasn't stereotyped like that. It just frustrates me.

So, here's the before, again. From the front and the back.

And here's the after, from the front and the back.

(I also meant to take a pic of my ponytail I'll be donating to locks of love. But I didn't. I was so happy that she measured 12 inches!)

That was at the salon. Bri got her hair cut, too. lol. She cracks me up.

That's my new barrette I got with birthday money.

It was funny, when my friend, the hair stylist, saw the picture of how short I wanted my hair, she said, "it's time". lol  Then she's like, "Does Doug know you're doing this?". LOL. Yep. He hates short hair. But he knew I wanted to donate it, so he was okay with it. Which made me glad, because at first he really didn't want me to go too short. I guess men like having something to play with (you can still play with short hair, though. ???). And really, If I could hire someone to just play and fiddle with my hair all day, I'd do it. So relaxing.

That's what I got with my birthday money.

and you know what else was cool? Walking around without a coat on Jan. 11th.... in Michigan. But, we're told winter is coming.... It's also funny seeing spring stuff out in stores and we haven't gotten any snow yet. Nice.

It was a good day. Only regret was spending $10 on dinner. lol Everyone who knows me knows how cheap I am. If it's not a good deal, I don't do it and if I end up getting a bad deal, I don't like it very much. It was good and all, but for the mall food court? $10 is ridiculous. Just sayin'.

(okay, so it's not that kind of ticket...)

My husband called to inform me that we wouldn't be able to go up to Clarkston, this coming weekend, because, get this, he got a TICKET. Yep, he got pulled over for going through a blinking red light. Now, since I wasn't there, I don't know if that is totally accurate. my thought was, "well, if it's a blinking red light and it's clear.....". I know I don't drive, but I did take Drivers Ed and I still remember MOST of the things we were taught, and a lot of them nobody really uses anyway. I mean, who comes to a complete stop at a stop sign? Only those taking drivers ed!   Anyway, unless he was supposed to treat it like a four way stop and didn't, then It doesn't really make sense. So, I don't know. Anyway the cop, thankfully, waived that and he also waived the fact that he needed a back light. Although, when he goes to pay the ticket, he has to show them that he fixed the tail light and it's working. So, I'm thinking he got the ticket for speeding? It must have been... and I can totally see that happening, lol.

Anyway, yay for having to pay $125 ticket.

Although, this has prompted us to just go ahead and sell some stuff. we have a bunch of D&D books (you know, dungeons and dragons), that we don't use anymore. We're sure someone would want them all. And we're selling them pretty cheap, but I'm hoping we get a whole $150 for them. If we do, we'll make $25 and may still be able to go to clarkston, this weekend. *crosses fingers*.

Oh the joys of life, lol.

So, some of these pictures are my birthday pictures and some are just random ones I took today. I had an enjoyable day. We went to Olive Garden, for dinner. I got money, a scarf, a gift card to target (bless my sister, lol). And, the best was being surprised that my sister was able to come (haha, she was supposed to be at work, but she was sick. She had gotten some sleep, and was feeling better, so she decided to come, but couldn't be in any of the pictures, lol).

Anyway, here we go.

This is the closest to seeing the entire birthday outfit, lol. And, kind of a before picture for the long hair. Which I will miss dearly, if I do cut it.

There's the before... of the back of my hair.   I hate how yellow the bathroom is. Goodness.

cake. It was good! And guess who blew out the candle? Yeah, not me! That would be the 3 year old next to me.

Go bri... lol

lol, I took this one and my sister saw it and goes, "uh, what is that!" lol. I like it. So....

And the celebration isn't over. Wednesday is the haircut and shopping day. And sunday my hubby is taking me up to a restaurant in clarkston, one we saw on Diners, Drive ins and Dives. They have, what looks like, really good mac'n cheese. Plus, I get some megan time, meaning my daughter is going to church with my mom and I get a mommy break. Oh yeah! lol

There's nothing like looking back at old high school photos, to put a fresh reminder of all the insecurities that you had and still have.

I was looking back through pictures to put on my facebook. I couldn't believe some of them. Some of my thoughts were, "My hair really looked that awful?", "I really had awful acne, ugh". And I did. I was pizza face, in high school. Yep. Glad that's, mostly, over. Add the braces to it. I remember telling one of my good friends that I had a crush on this guy (I mean, who didn't. He was like the hot guy that everyone liked, lol). My friend, who also had a crush on him, told him that I had a crush on him and his response was, "eww". And then she actually told me that. What a nice friend.  Such a nice confidence booster.

On one hand, I think to myself, I wish someone had told me to do my hair different or I wish someone had taught me how to use make up, even though, lets face it, It's just a cover up. Doing your hair just right, making it look as close to perfect as possible, and doing make up all the time, is not going to solve the insecurity problem.

I've always been insecure with the way I look. I have a BIG forehead. My sister enjoyed pointing that out, which made it even worse. I had awful acne, though not so much anymore. I still deal with random breakouts, but not nearly as bad as I used to. I have a uni brow. Yes, that's right. A uni brow. And, back in high school, I didn't think much of it. Even when the girls in my class were laughing about how gross uni brows were, it didn't really push me to do anything about it. I was very insecure, but didn't do anything to really change the things I was insecure about.

I feel like I've grown into myself. I don't consider myself completely unattractive anymore, but I still see pictures of myself and want NO ONE to see them, as I see myself as ugly and I think everyone else will too. I'm very selective. I seriously see a picture of myself, sometimes, and think, "man, I'm ugly". I get really down on myself. Then there was the time that one of my husbands friends told him he thought I was hot (Yeah, talk about awkward, lol) and I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't. And other times when I would get a comment on how pretty I was, I was really confused. That's the only thought I had. I didn't want to say, thank you (even though I did), I wanted to say, Uh, really? lol  All stemmed from my insecurities and I STILL have trouble accepting that.

Then I'll be a part of a random discussion about someone elses looks. For example, my mom, and some of her friends, were commenting on how this woman we know looks like a frump. She just wears, you know, oversized clothes and doesn't color her hair. Then we saw a picture of this other woman, on facebook, and she had partially gray hair, partially brown hair. My gramma said, "that's really unbecoming, she needs to color it".

Part of our insecurities stem from social craziness, if you ask me.

Guess what, hair goes gray. Accpeting that and choosing NOT to color your hair, regardless if you're in your 30's, is not a bad thing. It's a natural process. Natural processes don't NEED to be changed, they need to be MORE accepted.

Guess what, I have a uni brow. I do wax and tweeze the dumb thing, but that's part of the way my body was designed. Why is that WRONG, just because people find it unattractive? It's the way it is, so why is that wrong, suddenly?

Why do we make fun of people for being tall, short, having an odd shaped face and why on earth do we comment on how "homely" that person looks? Do we all not realize that we're being super hurtful and messing with someones confidence? Someone's confidence in things that are perfectly NATURAL to them. We all don't look the same for a reason. We all have differences, but good grief, we all better color our hair, attain a certain body type, shave off hair in the "unacceptable" places, and wear certain types of clothes, in order to be more "accepted" and not made fun of. And, yet, most people have SOME insecurities, am I right? none of us WANT to be told we don't look becoming, but we all certainly still judge the appearance of others, and it's really irritating.

I'm coming to grips with the way I am and dealing.  I still have my insecurities and I think I always will. Sometimes I have to check my thought processes. Sometimes I think about looking a certain way, so that people will think I'm cute or attractive and I think that's the WRONG way to go about it. I shouldn't be concerned with the way I think people see me (because that's all I'm doing), and be more concerned with being happy with myself and accepting the way God made me. He made me the way I am for a reason, and there's NOTHING wrong with that. There's things we CAN'T change. And there's nothing wrong with that. You know what I mean?

Not really

But this is my new birthday outfit, what do you think?

I've wanted a striped shirt like this for a while and I really like it, which is most important. BUT, my sister doesn't like it and my husbands comment was, "you know, stripes like that make you look wider". bahaha. he said that before he saw me in it, but even after he did he, I think, still agreed with what he said. lol  But the important thing is that I like it, right? They had ones in plain colors, like purple and green, and I swear if I get some extra money, I'll get another one! Such a comfy sweater.

I'm excited to turn 25, tomorrow. Yay!

And I will be cutting my hair short... like this, probably. (I'll post before and after pictures, even though no one probably cares, except me, lol.)

So, yeah, I'm excited.

So far, I'm enjoying my Michigan Winter. Meh, a few really cold days but we've got a heat wave going on. It's supposed to be up to 50, today, I think.

OH, and we haven't had enough snow to even shovel! I'm rejoicing. I know many people want snow (they must have snowblowers or something, boo!). Sure, I want some to make snowmen with, but I don't want to shovel and snow is such an inconvenience. The roads are treachery and everyone is in danger, so I'll take the pleasant weather.

And don't blame me if the weather suddenly changes.  I know this might be jinxing it all, but... I just had to say it all! I'm loving this "winter".

And, it's great too because I still haven't found my boots, plus I just finally got my hat and gloves. I'm sure once I find those silly boots it will dump snow on us. This family my husband knows spent $300 for someone to do all their snow removal, but they aren't asking for their money back and my husband isn't shaving his beard, because they both know that once they do get their money back or shave their beard, the snow will come. So, maybe having missing boots isn't so bad, either.

So, my daughter has gotten to a point where she yells a lot, she slapped me in the face tonight, she doesn't listen very well and I'm just tired of it (and if all you want to say is, "if she is hitting you, you're obviously not doing something right, you can shove it, because I already know that, durr. I don't want to hear it from someone who's not a perfect parent themselves, thanks. There's enough people like that, I don't want any more around me. thanks).

So, I pulled out my No Cry Discipline Solution book and I'm now just working through it, because I'm frustrated and I know I obviously don't have the right approach. She yells because I yell. She hits because we spank. Believe me, I've gone back and forth on the spanking thing and, quite frankly, I'm now more on the side of, "you can't tell a kid not to hit, if you're going to hit them on the bottom and call it spanking". Even though I used to believe that it's okay for some people (and I still believe that, to an extent), I just don't necessarily believe it's okay for me. But my husband and I don't agree on that. He's very pro-spanking. aNd tonight, she was just yelling at my mom and being very rude and that's the only thing I could think to do, was spank her. Then she hit me in the face. And now I'm done with it.

(and I also don't want to hear about your disgust with spanking, if that's what you're thinking, too)

If you couldn't tell, I'm in a very bad mood and I'm ready and prepared to bite as many peoples heads off as possible. Most of that is stemming from the fact that my gramma CAN'T STAY OUT OF MY FREAKING BUSINESS! She's always there to correct the way I'm doing things or totaly undermine my authority. she's not the only one, but I can't freaking stand it anymore. I want to escape it. I'm so freaking tired of it.

Ugh.

I'm really trying hard to get better patience and be a better parent. I don't know how this can seem so easy to other people and then hard for others. I don't know. 

This whole discipline crap is tough to figure out, but what the hell isn't, anymore?

It's just frustrating. And I'm sick of feeling like a crap parent, compared to others. I'm sick of people making me feel like, since I only have 1 kid, I have it so much easier or not as much experience as those with more. And it's not like I'm trying to give advice or anything. But holy cow, those of use with 1 kids better shut up, because the ones with multples know so much more and don't want to hear it from us!

Well, this was an all over the place rant and I'm just pissed, so I better get off of here and go to bed or something. Ugh.