January 8, 2012

• Insecure

  

  There's nothing like looking back at old high school photos, to put a fresh reminder of all the insecurities that you had and still have.

  I was looking back through pictures to put on my facebook. I couldn't believe some of them. Some of my thoughts were, "My hair really looked that awful?", "I really had awful acne, ugh". And I did. I was pizza face, in high school. Yep. Glad that's, mostly, over. Add the braces to it. I remember telling one of my good friends that I had a crush on this guy (I mean, who didn't. He was like the hot guy that everyone liked, lol). My friend, who also had a crush on him, told him that I had a crush on him and his response was, "eww". And then she actually told me that. What a nice friend.  Such a nice confidence booster.

  On one hand, I think to myself, I wish someone had told me to do my hair different or I wish someone had taught me how to use make up, even though, lets face it, It's just a cover up. Doing your hair just right, making it look as close to perfect as possible, and doing make up all the time, is not going to solve the insecurity problem.

  I've always been insecure with the way I look. I have a BIG forehead. My sister enjoyed pointing that out, which made it even worse. I had awful acne, though not so much anymore. I still deal with random breakouts, but not nearly as bad as I used to. I have a uni brow. Yes, that's right. A uni brow. And, back in high school, I didn't think much of it. Even when the girls in my class were laughing about how gross uni brows were, it didn't really push me to do anything about it. I was very insecure, but didn't do anything to really change the things I was insecure about.

  I feel like I've grown into myself. I don't consider myself completely unattractive anymore, but I still see pictures of myself and want NO ONE to see them, as I see myself as ugly and I think everyone else will too. I'm very selective. I seriously see a picture of myself, sometimes, and think, "man, I'm ugly". I get really down on myself. Then there was the time that one of my husbands friends told him he thought I was hot (Yeah, talk about awkward, lol) and I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't. And other times when I would get a comment on how pretty I was, I was really confused. That's the only thought I had. I didn't want to say, thank you (even though I did), I wanted to say, Uh, really? lol  All stemmed from my insecurities and I STILL have trouble accepting that.

  Then I'll be a part of a random discussion about someone elses looks. For example, my mom, and some of her friends, were commenting on how this woman we know looks like a frump. She just wears, you know, oversized clothes and doesn't color her hair. Then we saw a picture of this other woman, on facebook, and she had partially gray hair, partially brown hair. My gramma said, "that's really unbecoming, she needs to color it".

  Part of our insecurities stem from social craziness, if you ask me.

  Guess what, hair goes gray. Accpeting that and choosing NOT to color your hair, regardless if you're in your 30's, is not a bad thing. It's a natural process. Natural processes don't NEED to be changed, they need to be MORE accepted.

  Guess what, I have a uni brow. I do wax and tweeze the dumb thing, but that's part of the way my body was designed. Why is that WRONG, just because people find it unattractive? It's the way it is, so why is that wrong, suddenly?

  Why do we make fun of people for being tall, short, having an odd shaped face and why on earth do we comment on how "homely" that person looks? Do we all not realize that we're being super hurtful and messing with someones confidence? Someone's confidence in things that are perfectly NATURAL to them. We all don't look the same for a reason. We all have differences, but good grief, we all better color our hair, attain a certain body type, shave off hair in the "unacceptable" places, and wear certain types of clothes, in order to be more "accepted" and not made fun of. And, yet, most people have SOME insecurities, am I right? none of us WANT to be told we don't look becoming, but we all certainly still judge the appearance of others, and it's really irritating.

  I'm coming to grips with the way I am and dealing.  I still have my insecurities and I think I always will. Sometimes I have to check my thought processes. Sometimes I think about looking a certain way, so that people will think I'm cute or attractive and I think that's the WRONG way to go about it. I shouldn't be concerned with the way I think people see me (because that's all I'm doing), and be more concerned with being happy with myself and accepting the way God made me. He made me the way I am for a reason, and there's NOTHING wrong with that. There's things we CAN'T change. And there's nothing wrong with that. You know what I mean?

  • 10:28 pm
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