I suppose I haven't really put an update on my day to day life.

Ugh. Someone is making some really loud noises, in this house. It sounds like my gramma is either messing with stuff in her closet or someone is on the roof? lol. Which reminds me of my nightmare, last night, errr, this morning I mean. There was this cop outside the house and he kept going over to the neighbors house. We had no idea what was going on. All of a sudden, the cop guy runs into our back yard and we figured he was chasing someone. Then a neighbor came over and said that we didn't need to know all the dirty details, but the cop was chasing someone and we should just keep the doors locked. Thankfully, I woke up right after that and it was bright out, because I was pretty scared. You know. Whenever I'm alone, well... when the hubster is gone over night, I can't sleep very well, because I always feel like someones going to come get me. lol. I don't know WHY I have that fear. There's something about being alone in the dark, I'm always paranoid someone will come hurt me or something, so then I always have to wake up and check the room out. I'm weird, I know.  Actually, I have been sleeping better the last couple weeks, which is good.

My husbsters work hours might be changing. It's a long story, I'm not even going there. But, if they do change his hours for the worst, he said he'd look for work out of state. I'm still hoping for Texas.  My mom found out that I wanted to move to Texas and she just couldn't understand why I wanted to move there. lol Oh well. I'm not as scared to move anymore. Yeah, I'll miss my family, but I like the idea of setting down roots on our/my own. Can't seem to do that, here... But, we'll see what happens.

I also need to work on my resume. I'm a disaster. I just simply asked my husband for help on it and he said, "what do you need help with? you just fill out the spaces. You can pick your layout". It's like, yeah, I get that. But my resume was, technically, on a computer that died a while ago and I was just going to update THAT one, because I had help with it, but I wasn't able to get it printed off, before the dumb thing crashed. And I can't find my diploma. I'm a disaster. But, I need to figure out my next step and, I figure, that would be a good start. For whatever reason. I mean, I don't know. We're never going to get anywhere if he's the only one working and, even though I do want to home school, now, I just don't know what I want. Part of me is just craving my own independence, some of you might figure out why that is, and I just need to do it. I'm sick of being scared over it and letting that run my life. But, sometimes, expecting someone to help me out isn't a good thing, either. I just need to figure it out on my own. Ugh. So, I suppose, I just need to try. I know I'm tough enough to do it. I just have to repeat that to myself.

Tomorrow is the day of doom, er, I mean I'm babysitting. Kids will be dropped off at 11:30 and the appointment my cousins are going to won't be until 2. Its going to be a long day. But, the kids will enjoy a little playdate. I know Brianna will enjoy it. The older boys should be easy to deal with. it's the girls. And thank God I won't have the 3 month old baby. Now, if it was baby Addison... I might not mind. She's a doll! I mean, I wouldn't mind just holding the little baby, for a few hours. Just not when I'm trying to manage 4 toddlers, who think it's fun to get into trouble.

Lets see, what else...

I guess that's all I got. Some days I can't think of anything to talk about on here. This would be one of those days, lol. Well, actually, I have tons of thoughts and would love to share all of them. I just want to turn my brain off, sometimes.

Welp, I got 3 loads of laundry and some motivation to find, so I better get on that.

Have a good day, all of you wonderful people!

Growing up, I saw my dad struggle with being an alcoholic. And he never got any help for it. A lot of money was wasted on his beer and he would go into fits of rage. He'd come home from work, yell at everyone, go drink and look at porn and throw things around. that was a typical night at our house.

Needless to say, I have no desire to be anything like that.

I remember one day, he took me and two friends to the park. We stopped at a corner store, before going back home, so he could pick up more beer. The cashier had, obviously, seen him before and told him that that was all the beer he was going to give him, because he didn't need anymore. My dad got so mad and started yelling at the guy, then the cashier guy threatened to call the cops, so we left. As we left the store, I could see the cashier on the phone through the window. I sat for the next hour or so at the back door, expecting the police to come and haul him off to jail. Never did happen. I was young, though, so I had no clue it wasn't going to happen. Then my friend told her mom what happened and she was never allowed to go to the park with us again, lol.

Fast forward to when I was 18, I drank with my then boyfriend. He was over 21, so he could buy the alcohol. It was just beer and wine coolers. The only thing I really remember was being a giggly moron. I never got hung over or anything and I NEVER will. Forget that crap. But I did enjoy it, at the time.

After I got married, we just didn't drink. My husband used to drink a ton, and smoke, but had since changed and didn't want to go back. We did have the occasional glass of wine or wine coolers, but nothing more than that.

I also talked to my sister about "social drinking". I basically asked her if she ever felt that, if she started drinking, she would become an alcoholic. Because I feel that way. she said no, that she would just like to drink socially, but wouldn't have alocohol in the house. See, I have no problem with that. If I was going to drink, I'd do so socially, it's just I don't know any people, really, that drink.

But, that said, I have had my fears of becoming an alcoholic and have just treated it like I needed to stay away from it. In my current mental funk, I've thought to myself, "Man, I wish I drank". Because then I could drown my feelings in alcohol and THAT scares me. Which is why it's best to stay away from the stuff. I refuse to go down that path. I refuse to be like how my dad was. That will NEVER happen to me and I will NEVER choose that. I guess, sometimes, I feel confused. If ever there is a time where my sis and I were together and we socially drink, will that have negative consequences, now? As I've had alcohol before and its not THAT big of a temptation. It's really only a temptation when I'm have a rough time of it. But I still don't go out and get it. So maybe I have more control than I think and don't need to be worried? I'm not sure.

*A story to go along with this, to prove the point of why I feel this way. Not too long ago, we had little bottles of white wine for cooking. We had 1 left and it just sat in our kitchen and I was sooooo tempted to drink it on a bad day. One night, my husband brought it upstairs, so we could share it. I really enjoyed it, because I was having a bad day, that day, and I hated having to "share" it. So, I guess that's where my fear stems from. though I technically had plenty of chances to just drink it, I guess I was scared someone would find out that I had drunk it and start freaking out on me, lol. So I don't know if my fears are really rational or not, but I'd rather be safe than sorry*

In the mean time, I will stay away from it. I'd rather deal with my feelings, as hard as that can be, than drown it in alcohol. And that's why I don't drink.

Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
You ripped me off your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep, you let me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

Now look at me I’m sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won't ever put me out again
I’m glowin’ oh whoa
So you can keep the diamond ring
It don't mean nothing anyway
In fact you can keep everything yeah, yeah
Except for me

- Part of me, Katy Perry.

Just fits.

It's a pretty neat song, too. I love Katy Perry. hehe.

 

Hypothetical situation for you.

Okay, so maybe not completely hypothetical. But I heard about this, today, and wanted to get some opinions.

So you have a married couple. They've been married for several years. Their sex life is, obviously, less than stellar.

Okay so husband tells wife that there is this "happy cycle". What that means is, by doing nice things and what not, the husband is more interested in having sex with wife. And the wife is being told this, because she didn't make him a salad when asked, didn't make coffee when asked, didn't see a gesture to open the garage, leading to the assumption that she just doesn't pay attention and love him. So, by not doing things, he's not happy and, therefore, won't have sex. Now, in doing nice things like that, his desire then goes back up and he'll then want to have sex with her. The "happy cycle" is in play, when person does nice things. Or some such crap like that.

We can, I guess, just forget the fact that his wife was just exhausted that day she didn't make him a salad, the wife makes her own coffee all the damn time, with no complaints, and simply did not see the gesture to open the garage door, as it was pitch black outside and she really wasn't looking. those are just the unimportant facts.   Hey, I'm not saying doing nice things isn't, well, nice. those things are great and doing them, without being asked, is always a good thing, just to show your partner you care and love them. But, you shouldn't feel you have to do those things, to earn sex or affection of any kind from your spouse or SO.

Now, I guess I can agree that if you have a completely selfish partner, the sex desire might go down a bit or a lot. Meh. But that really goes both ways. You think your spouse/SO is selfish for not doing nice things? They think you're selfish for demanding things and then saying how you refuse to have sex until it's done. That doesn't lead to a good sex life at all. Which is sad.

My theory on sex in marriage is this. Sex is enjoyable and a bonding experience, to show your love, and it's about the give and take and I think we have a responsibility to ... well, do that. I wouldn't want my spouse denying me, so why would I deny my spouse? Just sayin'. If you're just never "in the mood", or make your spouse feel they have to somehow "earn" it, how is that really fair to your partner? It's not. Nuff said. 

"Oh, you didn't make my coffee this morning, you must hate me. I don't want to have sex with you and if you want sex, start making my coffee, damnit!"

Does that not sound childish to you?

to me, it sounds like the sex has to be earned and that, once earned through nice deeds/acts, is given as some sort of "reward". And that's just not right. Sometimes I hear things and just am stunned silent. And all I can do is shake my head in disgust. I'm just sayin'. No one would have to "earn" my affection. If I want to give it, I'd give it because I want too. So, I just don't get that. at all. I mean, if I was told that? Uh, it'd be on. Forget it. I have to earn your affection? I have to earn sex from you? You're not worth it.  Using sex to try and control your SO is just flat out wrong. No matter who you are.

Those are just my thoughts.

But, what do you think?

This is all it takes to turn me on

Oh yes, baby...

 

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

That's hot. Mmmmm, yes!

 SCRABBLE CAKE. That one made me hotttt....

lol

Mmmm, yes please!

Talk about a foodgasm. Gotta love Nutella.

Okay okay, I'll stop, now. bahaha.

Oh, wait, hold on. One more

You have NO IDEA how badly I want SOME OF THAT right now. Oh, yes. It's making me crazy.

 

That's just what I needed to *talk* about. It's 8 minutes long. Sorry. You don't have to watch. I just needed to get some things off my chest.

And I'll make up for all of this later, when I post something funny or something.  Promise.

 

 

I know that I said I was going to stay as positive as possible, for the next month, but to heck with that. Who cares? It's a bad night, I'll express it and move on later.

So, I left the Divorce post up and I'm not really suprised that a lot of people have come and looked. Only really proved my point that just seeing the word "Divorce" brings masses of people and, though a lot of people said nothing, maybe they were looking for something to judge? Or that could just be me in my pissed of state. I don't know. *not talking about the ones who DID comment. I appreciate all your feedback, thanks*

So, tonight was "movie night". Uh, we never do this. Like I've said, I can't sit still for that long. We watched Country Strong. Seen it? Anyway, the movie was NOT what I was expecting at all. Oh... my gosh. Okay, so one scene I would normally find super awesome and cute, just made me start crying. And, no, I'm not going to say which one it was, lol. But, I was trying to hide the fact that I was crying, because I didn't want THAT to turn into a discussion of, "gosh, I just don't feel wanted anymore. Don't you want me?". "Of course, i want you, things are just complicated". Complicated MY ASS.

OH, it's hard for you too, babe? It sucks for you, too? Well, last time I checked, i wasn't the one turning down the idea at the GIVEN CHANCES. Nope, not me. It was you. Cry me a freaking river.

Don't ask. This is a vent.

Then by the end of the movie, I was just like.... wow. This just totally depressed me. I mean, the two characters that fell in love, they were cute and that was awesome. The rest of it? Just. Wow.

And this is why I need to stay away from things that trigger me. Of course, I didn't know THAT movie was going to spiral into these thoughts I'm having.

We should have just stuck to Harry Potter. Gosh darn, at least i could have drooled over Daniel Radcliffe and, since i've seen it already, I knew what to expect. Hot darn!

I'm going to also offer up some advice for some of you single/dating guys. Okay? Actually, this is to ALL MEN.

Just cause I feel like it.

If you eventually get married, and are married for a couple years, the least you can do is KISS THE GIRL LIKE YOU MEAN IT. I mean, gosh, aren't most guys into kissing, at least? You'd think it'd be more, but that's what i thought and I was wrong, haha. But, seriously, kiss her like you mean it and that will mean the world to her. I SWEAR THIS. Please, please, don't stop doing that. just don't. You're an idiot if you do. Just. Don't. I'm not talking a freaking peck of a kiss on the lips, kiss her deep and mean it. I'm dead serious. Why is that so freaking hard? *And, yes, this could go out to women, too, but my experience has been from the female side, so what do you expect? durrrrr*

Ugh.

Okay, so...

I'm so irritated, right now.

Plus, I just feel really bad for a friend, right now. Just, really bad. And then .... nevermind.

Ugh.

G'night.

I believe I've tried to get this post out a couple times, in the last couple months, and never could get all my thoughts together for this. This is basically how I feel about divorce and how I feel about how others feel about divorce and what not.

Growing up, I was raised in a Baptist Church. And, because of this, Divorce was just not something that was done. Here's the thing, just being honest, I know my mom was scared for all of our lives and that's one of the reasons she didn't leave my dad, but i think another one was the shame that would have been heaped on her for getting a divorce. And she'd have been right. Let me explain.

After everything came out about my dad, her lawyer told her that she should get divorced. Crazy that a lawyer would STILL have to talk someone into divorcing the man who RAPED HER KIDS. Just sayin'. Literally, guys, this whole thing pisses me the fu** off, so excuse me while I rant about this.  She then went to the pastor of the church to seek his counsel on getting divorced. His OPINION was that she should NOT get divorced, that him molesting her children was NOT a good enough reason to get divorced and if she did seek a divorce, he would NOT be helping her with the process and wouldn't even talk to her.

Now, fast forward a little bit when his affair with another woman came out. oh, NOW it's okay to get divorced. I mean, shoot, he raped your kids, pfft. Not bad enough. but he fu**ed another woman? Oh, okay yeah, get divorced then. Now THAT is a good reason to get divorced. That's basically what the pastor said.

WHAT THE F*** IS THAT?

Please, some one explain that to me.

*I apologize in advance for the use of the f word. At least I'm using *'s. I wouldn't if I just didn't care. but I do care to at least a minor extent. so, there...*

Okay, so, it explained a lot and things are starting to make sense.

She was not only scared for our lives, which I can totally understand, but she was afraid of all the SHIT people would heap on her. I can't say as though I blame her, because I feel the same exact way. If I got divorced (not saying that is happening), I was always afraid people would just simply hate me and judge me like crazy.

"You don't take your marriage vows seriously, so screw you, you heathen".

Something along those lines.

Yet, NEWS FLASH, IDIOTS, When did this world become a perfect fucking place? Uh, it's not. Relationships are complicated and I'm pretty sure if we should all take marriage super seirously, we'd be perfect flipping human beings. And we're not.

So, Now I really don't know about how I feel about marriage in general. Ugh. Seriously, I don't. Part of me doesn't even think it's worth it. You enter it and take those vows, but HEAVEN FREAKING FORBID, some thing happened. And you know what they say about those who've been divorced already? yeah, they're more likely to get divorced again, which then makes me think "well, who would want to date me?" which makes me think dating AND marriage are HOPELESS.

Here's the thing...

I'm more pissed off while writing this, so it's not coming out the way I want.

Look, next time you hear of someone getting a divorced, keep your shit to yourself. Here's why. 1. You don't know WHY said couple is divorcing. And it's really none of your damn buisiness, anyway. 2. Are you perfect? No? THEN SHUT UP.

You never know, the woman or man you're shaming for not taking marriage seriously, could be in a threatening situation and is scared of what people would think.

And you can also think that is silly. "Stop caring what other people think". Oh, yes, I'm getting to that point. Screw society and their stupid rules and I'll just avoid the holier than thou types.

Look, I get it, as a whole, marriage isn't taken as seriously as it should be. I agree with that. I was young when I got married, personally, but I always thought I knew I would take it seriously and, thus far, I actually have. I wont' get down on myself for it. And, honestly, we're still not quite at that point. If I had truly wanted to leave, I would have. If he wanted to leave, um, I have NO DOUBT in my mind he would. He's just that kind of guy. He doesn't put up with crap and if he wants out, he gets out. So, him sticking around does show me something. And this really isn't meant to be about my husband and I, but just how it has affected me growing up and how SICK AND TIRED I am of hearing the holier than thou bullshit people love to spew.

There are some friends i have I never wanted to dissappoint. But, I figure, if I dissappoint them over a choice that they don't have a say in making, anyway, they weren't friends to begin with. Life isnt' perfect. Relationships aren't perfect. And you don't know it all!

Gah!

*Got it off my chest. Feel better now*

And this REALLY did not go down how I wanted it too. It all came out in anger. Maybe one day, I'll actually be able to discuss my views on divorce and what not WITHOUT so much anger behind it. But I'm not there yet. Just not there yet. and this is real. and this is raw. Don't like it? too bad! I don't give a flying...  you know what. *take deep breaths*

I'll probably delete this later. Just watch me.

Despite all the negative things I rant about, most of it being on protected posts for those who can read it, I really still feel this is the best year of my life.

I don't exactly know why, but I have a few thoughts. It's like, as soon as I turned 25, I just started to feel more confident in myself. See, prior to my 25th birthday, I started working on some "goals" I had and made huge strides in them. I finally hit an awesome milestone in my weight loss journey. It's like, once I hit that point, I knew I could do it and it was worth all the hard work and dedication. Clothes fit better and I feel really strong, now. my confidence kind of, well, soared.  Saying that brings a smile to my face. For those who don't know, I've been losing weight for 2 years, now. 2 years. It's been a LONG time coming. My husband saw me, today, and really looked at me and he said, "are you at your goal weight, already". Ha. I wish. No, I'm not and I know I still have work to do, but I know I've come a long way and Yeah. It just feels incredible. I can't even begin to tell you. *I will write out a post one of these days with tips, for anyone who is interested in what helped me*

I just feel like I'm growing into myself and learning more about myself and that excites me. I know the things I'm passionate about. I'm more passionate about helping people, in whatever way I can, using my personal experiences. I'm more passionate in being nicer to people (I have a mean streak and used to be pretty mean to people, even here on xanga). I'm passionate about finding the "field"/career/calling that God has for me. I don't still quite know what I'm meant to do, but I'm being led to certain things. I finally feel like I've healed from things and I've "grown up". I'm also more comfortable with sharing things that are passionate to me. I really enjoy sharing that side of me and showing people what I'm all about.

I have one daughter and I love her to pieces, but I'm pretty sure that I'm happy with just her and won't be having any more. I've said before that I'd be open to it in the future, but I'm okay if I DON'T have any more kids. I love being a mother, but I did learn that mothering isn't the only thing I feel passionate about in life and having more kids just isn't necessarily what I want, anymore. I know, I've blogged numerous times about the baby bug biting and how, if my husband wanted more, I'd be more than willing. It's not that I'm scared of being pregnant again, it's just I'm content with 1 and I know I can handle that. This is a more recent decision I've made and I'm happy with it. To feel content in a decision? Feels pretty darn good!

I'm excited that I now have a love for photography and can't wait to see where it takes me. I have a lot to learn, but I know that hard work and dedication will take me places, if I just put in that effort.

I seem to be having more fun, lately, and I'm more open to things that I would not normally be open too. I'm taking risks, enjoying it and putting myself out there feels really nice. And, in doing so, I've conquered some of the fears I've held on to for so long.

I feel braver and I feel like I can tackle the challenges I face. It's like a domino effect, I guess. You knock one down and the confidence in getting that one to fall, helps you knock others so they fall into place, too. Make sense?

You know that friend I was worried about friending on facebook? She accepted my friend request. I feel like reaching out. I don't know, yet, but it would be nice to have her come around and to get our friendship back. It would mean a lot. Despite not having many IRL friends, the quality of the ones I DO have is AWESOME. I couldn't ask for a better sister and I'm so glad that we have this time to be together.  We may not always live close together, but I'm happy that we are for now and will soak up all the time I can get with her. We sat and talked about all the things we'd like to do this spring/summer. I have a lot of personal goals to do this spring/summer and I feel so happy and content with them. To just live! I'm thankful for a family that loves me, despite everything. I'm thankful I've made some very close xanga friends like Kim, for example.  The fact that we can have a friendship OFF of xanga means a lot, too.

I know I have a lot of fears to work on and I know that I'll get there. I'm just going to enjoy the rest of my 20's. And I'm glad this year is going so great in so many ways and I really just wanted to share that. I like myself. I like who I am. I like what I'm becoming and I can't wait to see where I go in the future.

Really, I can't tell you how happy this all makes me feel!

And you know what sounds really good right now? I really want to go tubing. And play capture the flag. hehe. Takes me back to youth group days. My teenage years. I don't know. I feel kind of, "young at heart". Like I can enjoy all the responsibilities I have and what not, but I can get down and have a good time, too, and that feels wonderful. I just want to get outside and have fun with the people I love. For a girl who locked herself away from the world for years, you have NO IDEA how good it feels to break out and want to do as many things as possible. I have so many dreams and goals that I just want to tackle head on and accomplish. I just want to get out there and DO IT.  I feel like I have that strength that I need to do them. Feeling this strong... feels pretty.Darn.Good. Pretty.Damn.Good!

This is yet another challenge I was BRAVE enough to do. I'm pretty proud of myself. There was a quote, I read, from Dr. House (lol). He said this,

"If you are not willing to look stupid, nothing great is ever going to happen to you."

I have to believe there is some truth in that.

So, @againstthewind1 challenged me to publicly reveal my xanga crushes, past and current. I didn't really explain all that well who was past and who was current, but I admitted them, none the less. I mean, if you want to waste the next 5 minutes of your life watching boring old me talk about the 5 xanga crushes I have/had, go right ahead. I did the vlog in hopes that no one would want to waste the time watching it, hehe. So, here ya go!

 

*Now, I will go hide*