Excuse me while I ramble a bit... We all know I'm good at that.
I was reading back through some old posts of mine, one in particular though... One where I just sat down and typed whatever came to mind. Surprisingly, that's just what I do a lot. I sit down and let whatever is on my mind come out. I don't have a plan of what I'm going to say or how I'm going to say it, it just comes out the way it does and, sometimes, it either A) doesn't make any sense or B) sounds like a complete emotional mess that makes people wonder, I guess.
Honestly, a lot of times, I don't even re-read what I just typed out, to know how I sound. I've talked before about how I "second guess" myself all the time. Pretty much with every post I do on here, I second guess if I should have posted it. I love my thought processes and guilt. 
But I'm learning through this and, so, that's good. If that makes sense.
anywhoo, one post in particular got a lot of "I'm sorry you went through that's". Now, I can understand that that's just what you feel the need to say. I've done that. If I read someone else's post about something horrible they've been through, that's my first reaction is, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that". And I mean that genuinely. But, a lot of times, how often is that person looking for sympathy or pity? they are probably just venting, wanting some support yes, but just venting and they have no intentions or desires for all the sympathy?
With this post I'm talking about, I certainly wasn't looking for that.
I got to a point where I just didn't talk about, whispers, the "sexual abuse". There's only so many times you can talk about it, you know. With people in real life, if they brought it up all the time, I'd be annoyed. I did want people to "move on", so to speak. The church I was going to, at the time, it was discussed that, to avoid a bunch of rumors floating around, that they'd just announce in a service what was going on. So, I remember that night well. It was a Wednesday night, which was actually good, because Wednesday nights had less attendance! I didn't quite understand what telling everyone in a "special meeting" would mean, but i went ahead and gave my youth pastor the okay to tell the entire youth group, too. Telling the whole entire church wasn't my idea, though. That was the pastors idea. So, during all this, I just sat in my youth pastors office. He came and got me and told me that some people wanted to give me hugs. I had a whole group of girls waiting to hug me. That was kind of nice, but a little strange... lol. I mean, right? haha
Then other people were crying...
it was odd.
Then all the teachers at my school were told. So, I just would rub my eye in class and would get told I could go to the bathroom. You know, if I needed to cry and what not. Even though I was just simply rubbing my eye. Of course, I hated school after that and didn't want to go. I wanted to "deal" in my own private way, without everyone telling me what I should do. I was getting "caught up" one night with a teacher and my gym teacher walked in and said, "good, time to get back to reality". That didn't help.
I remember crying one day at school and two teachers being all like, "Oh Megan, you can go sit in your moms room " (she was a teacher) and then one of my classmates coming in to sit with me. I was just having a bad day, no big deal. Eventually, they get sick of that. You know? It's like there's this proper "mourning" time, so to speak. Same if you have a family member die. You mourn in your own way and time, you "get over it" in your own way and your own time. If people haven't been through it, they don't know how long it could take. And it certainly varries person to person, too.
Some girlfriends of mine would tell me how strong I was and how I handled everything well. yeah, that's the outside, y'all. That doesn't mean much. And I eventually dropped out of school, being an incredible awesome example to these friends of mine who were thinking I was "handling" everything well.
So I shared my entire story here, not that long ago. I think that sparked something in me. Even though, technically, even before I shared my ENTIRE story, I was still thinking about everything that happened.
Back in January, my dads parole was supposed to end. He'd be a much freer man. He's left us alone, but I'm sure that little ankle bracelet has helped him stay away. 
Why would one WANT to end up back in the slammer? So I talk about my dad from time to time, because I think about him, because this july is the new date when his parole is ended. I thought about it more two years ago, when I had to write a letter to the parole board. I hadn't thought about him much up to that point and when all that came up, I wanted to scream. Because I didn't want to deal with it, anymore. I wanted the whole process to be over. You know? That's life. I shouldn't feel guilty for thinking about him and wanting to share all that. This is my safe place to do so. And I honestly have only wanted, at this point in my life to use my experience to help others, not burden others. So I don't need sympathy. It's nice sometimes, of course, to know that others know it's still a struggle and are willing to listen to you vent. There's only a handful of xangans I can do that with. And I love them for that. But, I've found that a lot of people aren't like that.
One lady was really nice. She was an older lady at our church and, I guess, she liked talking to me on Sundays and getting hugs. I was a hugger, you know. Anyway, I decided to leave the church (see, when I dropped out of school, i was threatened with Church discipline by the pastor. I may have already said that somewhere. That pretty much solidified my choice in leaving that church. I didn't see the purpose in that at all, and it hurt to be treated like that. So I left. My beliefs never changed). In this kind lady's opinion, as was related back to me through the wonderful gossip grape vine, "she just needs to get over it, by now".
Okay, snap, it had been a two years by that time. Point taken.
My point is just that, people will learn to deal with things in their own time and their own way. Sharing things can be therapeutic and helpful and I would hope that since I've grown so much from this, that I could help someone else. I don't need to hear, "I'm so sorry you went through that". I'm not looking for that. I mean, you can say it, that doesn't offend me, but I wanted to make it clear that I'm NOT LOOKING FOR THAT, all the time. I just want to share and I'm not going to apologize for sharing it or sharing stuff about what I went through often. Even if sometimes it is a vent aobut how unfair it all is . I don't think along those lines much, anyway. Just on a random bad day, where I wish I was given the opportunity to fight for myself. And there's plenty of people who know what I mean. That's all! Just getting that off my mind!
I wish you all a fantastic day!
*I don't know how many of you I knew a year ago, but maybe some will remember that. I do remember posting that we were going. Oh how time flies*.
*cause, if they found out we were in Texas and didn't stop in to see them, they'd be pissed, lol* He said no to Dallas. Meh. We'll see, we'll see...
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