February 22, 2012
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On Feeling STUPID
There's one aspect I haven't dealt with yet...
Back when I was 9, really between grades 3-5, my dad started being, well, mean to me. "You little bitch, you're fat, ugly and stupid. No one will ever believe you". You know, those thing tend to ring in your ears for YEARS and still hasn't quite gone away. It's okay, though, I don't deal with it AS MUCH as I used to. I used to be much more sensitive, but in some ways I still am.
I know that he was a crazy man and he needed to keep me quiet. If you're raping a kid, you really don't want them to tell, so the best thing to do, obviously, is to make them feel like a peice of worthless crap so they won't even feel strong enough to voice what they're being put through.
"If you tell your mom, she won't believe you. She'll hate you. everyone will hate you".
So, for years, I would get really ticked off any time I heard someone say "bitch". Not necessarily to me, but to anyone. I still hate the word, even though I have used it time to time. I don't generally call anyone a bitch, because I don't feel it's right. I did once and I'd take it back. I use it more as a "stop bitching about this or that" and, really, I'm trying to stop that, because I'm trying to use better language in general.
At those ages, because of the sexual abuse, I was gaining weight. So, the being fat and ugly thing also kinda, you know, made me feel low and I think that's why I've deal with insecurities with looks and losing weight. At my heaviest weight, I didn't think I deserved anything good. I was just miserable. I'm so happy to have broken out of that, but... And some people thought that gaining weight was a way to armor myself, as if I would somehow not be hurt. But I didn't really understand that. Maybe it was? I don't know.
Being called stupid, though? Totally kills me. And I feel stupid a lot.
You know, I'm not the smartest person ever. I would never claim that. I also don't think I'm the most dumb, but I'm far from adequately educated. I'm ignorant of a lot of things and, quite fankly, was always a little afraid to express myself, out of fear of how people would perceive me. I thought everyone would think I was stupid and hate me, so I just would shut up (I was even told by my counsellor, that my fear of communicating things, my fear of people, would only make me a good target for it to happen again. That people could see how unsure I was and take advantage of me. That's always great to know.). I've gotten a little more... "brave", I guess you could say. I'm more brave expressing myself in a place I feel "safe" or with people who I think can "get me". But it takes a lot of trust. I've overshared on here, but I do have those awesome friends who seem to just "get me" and reassure me that I'm doing okay and will be okay and am not stupid.
But, I must say, It still rears it's ugly head.
I consider what he did verbal abuse. I never dealt with that. I dealt with the sexual abuse. The hard part of that is over. The verbal part? Don't even know where to start. though, some of it has just simply taken time. But I still find I'm afraid to express myself and I don't want to feel like that anymore. For example, when I'm in a group of people, I simply don't talk. And if I do offer an "opinion", I talk quietly, so no one can really hear me. Also, you could say that makes me look easily influenced. I've had conversations with people, who I've disagreed with, but just nodded my head in agreement with things I didn't agree with, just to not have to bother expressing how I feel. Because of my lack of good communication skills, and having a hard time expressing myself, that was one of the first things that affected my marriage. That was my fault, not his. All mine.
Like I said, it's getting better. It'll just take time. I know that I'm not the best "writer". I know I have more to learn. I know I'm ignorant and I do feel stupid sometimes. I guess it's just going to take more time to finally break free. But, at least I am getting more brave. One of these days I'll feel "free" of that, too. I can hope!
Comments (26)
Wow. You NEVER have said any thing that sounded stupid on here. I am astonished at how many women were abused by their fathers. I am sorry you went through that. A little girl's Daddy has such a big impact on how she sees herself as a woman and how she will view all men. It also affects heavily how she sees God. In my case, I still have a hard time thinking about God that He cares about me, personally, and not in a generic kind of way, because my Dad never did. When people were mean to me as I child, it never even occurred to me to tell a soul, or stick up for myself. I know now that that was because I got signals from my parents that I wasn't worth it, and so that was what I believed. You are awesome, and smart, and beautiful. Anyone who can't see that is the stupid one!
I don't think you're stupid. There's a lot of stupid people out there, and I think I've met most of them! Stupid isn't being miseducated or lacking eduation, stupid is refusing education. Stupid is having facts slap you in the face, and you ignore them. Stupid is not making up your own mind.
I think you're opening up just fine. Just because you don't do it in person to everyone you meet (which is actually kinda creepy, I'm always uncomfortable when some complete stranger wants to share their life story or beliefs with me), doesn't mean you're not being open. That's what's good about the blogosphere, gives us a chance to open up at our own pace. And you're a heck of a lot more opened up than me! lol
Everyone makes mistakes in life. (Except me, I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong) It's what we do with those mistakes that dtermines wether or not we're smart. If we take it as a lesson learned, we're smart, no matter how bad the mistake was.
Can I kill him?, please? Seriously.
You're not stupid. Full stop.
It took an extraordinary about of courage to post this. AND...it took a lot of smarts to know how to write it. I'm still getting to know you so I hope that doesn't come off like an empty compliment. :-/
This nearly brought me to tears. Doug's response especially.
YOU ARE NOT, I repeat NOT STUPID!!! *HUGS*
You are smart. You are BRILLIANT!!! (ode to your other blog)
Seriously Megan. You know, some of the best people may not be "the best educated" and some of the worst are extremely educated.
You seem to convey yourself well here when you're not conflicted. When you're conflicted that doesn't make you sound stupid, just unable to decide upon something.
*HUGS* I hope that every day a little more self confidence creeps up on you until one day you find yourself happy to be who you are and where you are in life. You deserve that.
You're definitely not stupid. You deserve to be treated with so much kindness, and I'm hoping you become 100% brave (one day).
I've never seen you say anything stupid on here. And there's a lot of stupidity- but you're not part of it.
I am sorry that your dad was horrible to you. I hope that time will help you deal with all of the problems he caused for you.
You're not stupid. That, my dear, is a fact. Not opinion.
seriously, not stupid. Those are just ugly words.
@mtngirlsouth - It always saddens me to know how many women are abused by their fathers. You're right, they are so vital. I sometimes STILL wish I knew what it was like to have a good father and to feel that kind of love. I'm sorry you also felt worthless.
And thank you! Thank you so much!
@AgainstTheWind1 - Thank you! I still have moments where I wish someone could have stopped it. It's hard, sometimes, having words and thoughts in your head, but not feeling like you can get them out and across to someone. that's very hard for me and I beat myself up for it. But, thank you and I appreciate it!
@Shadowrunner81 - Not at all! Thank you so much! I really appreciate it!
@MyTwoCentss - All I can say is *hugs*. Things like this, just come from my heart. This is the only place I feel I can really express myself in any way and, sometimes, I just feel a little dumb. But, this is also helping build my confidence and I'm so glad for friends like you who are always encouraging and awesome! Thanks!
@WaitingToShrug - @seladore - @AngelAsh_86 - @xdeelynnx - Thank you! *hugs*
@grim_truth - Your last paragraph made me laugh, thanks! lol
And just Thank you in general.
PS
If I ever wrote a vampire novel, my vampire would seek out men like your dad for their daily meal.
Even another victim won't fully understand, hon. it's a personal event, and words can never express.... (pardon me while I steam)
The pain and the trauma.
But I hope you know you have friends here who will try, and who will listen WHENEVER you need a shoulder.
Go get 'em, tiger.
@AgainstTheWind1 - I do know that and I'm glad you're one of them
Seriously, the fact that you care just brings tears to my eyes. Really, it does! *hugs*
Oh don't go getting all emotional, good grief, you're such a girl.
:p
*hugs*
@AgainstTheWind1 - LOL... yup, yup I am
Is your dad still alive?If he is,have you ever confronted him or your mom about it?The one who was stupid was him not you.You did nothing to deserve what he put you through.I would like to think I would spare the life of a man I caught treating a child like that,but I don't know that even being a Christian could stop me from hurting them badly if not killing them.A man NEVER has a right to talk to a child OR a woman like that.Your dad is the piece of crap,not you.
@PeacefullyStorming - He's alive, yep. He's out of jail, now, too. Never confronted him about it. I do have questions I'd like to ask, but I'm using my better judgement and not going anywhere near him, even though there are those questions I almost feel I need answered.
You've led a brave life from the sound of things. I admire you for writing about such a personal array of issues in a way that is telling without being sullen. You strike me as the antithesis of stupid. Thanks for wearing your heart on your sleeve for us.
I agree with everyone who commented. You definitely are not stupid.
I'd have to echo the other comments. Nothing I've read here indicates either stupidity or an inability to communicate ideas. Of course, you're also not facing those who you're trying to communicate with, so there is the armor of distance to make it less stressing. I'm so seriously introverted that communicating directly to folks is difficult at times. I hate shopping because a store clerk will come at me to ask if they can help and I head away from them. It's a sick sort of store tag where I go away from what I was looking at, then circle back once the clerk moves on.
You're not stupid. You write great and interesting posts. I enjoy reading them.
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