January 30, 2012
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Fighting for Myself...
I went outside, tonight, and shoveled the driveway... all by myself, while listening to Daughtry and having some time to think. Sad to say that I wanted to stay outside and not go in, to avoid all the tension that this house has anymore. That's okay.
*Though I did realize that listening to music and shoveling in the dark, may not be the best idea. I kept hearing this yelling sound and, when I looked up, these two people were walking towards me and they were yelling. I have no idea what they were yelling about, because I couldn't hear, but... if they were talking to me, I just ignored them, lol. That's when I realized that maybe I should be more aware of my surroundings. Got a little side tracked, but this does have some point on what I'm talking about. Part of fighting for myself is being more alert to... what's going on around me, not trying to drown everything out and being unfocused. People are crazy, after all*
Anyway, considering I've been feeling very depressed lately, I decided I needed to sit down, write out some ways I can FIGHT FOR MYSELF. Being in this state SUCKS and I'm strong. I'm not a quitter. I'm a fighter. I need to FIGHT FOR MYSELF. Get MYSELF back. Think this is silly all you want, this is for my peace of mind.
I think part of it, is getting back into the good habits. A decent bed time, not being so dependent on people, eating healthy things, not letting the insomnia, the lack of appetite get to me and, certainly, not expecting people to make me happy.
I've been fighting to FEEL something, lately. As if I can't feel anything at all, unless I do certain things. Well, I guess that's not entirely true, I've just been feeling BAD things. So, how to feel GOOD things? Well, there's really an easy answer. One that I did turn to, and then quickly turned from.
God.
I sat down, one day, after I had been feeling just down in the dumps. I wanted to save my marriage. I wanted to save myself. So, I prayed. I prayed hard and I really felt God's presence. You know why I don't talk much about my faith. I feel like a failure half the time. Then, I turn away from God, because I feel ashamed. Well, in recent months, despite many mistakes I've made, I would ALWAYS pray and repent and TRY and learn something new, learn how to go on and MOVE AWAY from whatever was taking me away from God. So, I don't know why I stopped that. It's just like, suddenly, I felt totally insignificant. But I know better than that. I know better than that.
It's worth fighting for.
I remember one day feeling really sad, because of a mistake I made. We were driving around town and it hit me that, if I died in a car accident at THAT moment, is that really how I wanted to leave my life? Not just turning away from whatever STUPID thing it was, not repenting of it and just being hard on myself? Absolutely not!
So, why did that suddenly change? Don't know. But I'm going to fight for that back. As long as I'm fighting for it, focusing on it, things will get better. They will.
A few weeks ago, I was feeling like this was going to be the best year of my life. I started to have my doubts. There's so much tension in this house. There's so much yelling. I grew up in a house where there was fighting and anger and yelling. I don't want to repeat that. At all. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the yelling. I'm tired of the tension. I may not be able to fix all of it, but I certainly CAN fight it. Instead of succumbing to it, thinking "this is how it's just going to be", I can FIGHT to make it different.
years ago, I wouldn't have considered myself a "fighter". I was more a quitter.
Quite frankly, I'm PROUD of the young lady I've become, how I've grown from things and I really do feel like a fighter. I want to fight for myself. I deserve to fight for myself. I need to fight for myself. And whatever decisions I need to make to do so, I need to make. I feel like, as long as I prayerfully consider ALL MY OPTIONS, then I'll be okay. I'LL BE OKAY. And I thank @mytwocentss for pointing that out to me, today.
As much as I've wanted to numb and drown out the enormous pain I'm feeling, I want to FIGHT IT HARD. Stand up and fight it. I want to continue to FIGHT FOR MYSELF, not just give up, surrender and make horrible choices. I can do this. I'm a fighter. I can really do this.
"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"-- Philippians 4:13
He's where I need my strength to come from. And He is where I can get it. I CAN DO THIS!
Comments (12)
I really want to give a heart felt answer. Right now though, my daughter is pouting & not wanting to sleep. So I'm going to go lay with her, hold her 'til she's asleep & then I'm going to come back here later tonight and I'll type out a long (you know me, I can't keep things short for anything) response. Or somewhat long, I dunno. I kind of know what I want to say but not every word of it.
*HUGS*
Good for you! I hope you'll fight hard for yourself. You're worth it.
Also, I rec'd this so our group of friends would see it. (It's so nice to have a small "group of friends" here!) I want them to tell you how awesome you are too. 
(I did NOT rec it because of my mention. *lol* Just wanted to clarify that.)
You are so wonderful and I know you can make a better life for yourself.
You CAN do this! You are a strong capable beautiful woman. I sincerely hope that you are able to come to peace with the things that you are battling with and find that happiness you want. Within yourself, your marriage, and your relationships with family/friends. Keep being a fighter, Megan. And know that if you ever need a friend to talk or vent to, I'm willing to listen. And I see that your friend MyTwoCentss is also there for you! Well, you seem to have a LOT of people here who want to support you. That's great! <3 Hang in there sweety.
You are absolutely right about many things...
Pay attention to your surroundings. Exits in buildings and rooms, overhead hazards and activities, uneven ground, people, strangers, motion. God gave us our senses to protect us. When we stiffle, muffle, or otherwise inhibit our senses we are concealing Gods gifts, gifts which are essential to our survival.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise. Not just words, but words of wisdom, applies to women too!
You are what you eat. Eat healthy, be healthy... The many other things in life will fall into place.
Always keep with God. Easier said than done? Never done... always doing...
"To thine own self be true." WS
I'm gonna scream. I had such a long comment typed out & then my stupid backspace button or mouse or something back paged & when I forwarded back here - it was GONE!!! (Sometimes that same thing happens & it is miraculously STILL there in the box.) Take two!
I think it is FABULOUS that you are deciding to fight for yourself & your happiness. If you don't, who will? Also, I read recently (somewhere on mtngirlsouth's page I believe) that we train others to treat us a certain way. Well, if you are fighting for yourself, then others are going to have to eventually start to show you more respect if they currently aren't. If not, then you know they aren't worth keeping in your life.
My mom was a doormat to my dad for YEARS. Once she decided to stand up for herself & fight for her own happiness she was a happier person. Not happier with my dad or the marriage but with herself. That couldn't have been easy for her either considering that my dad is verbally & emotionally abusive toward her and was sometimes even kind of physically abusive too. So it took guts for her to fight for herself.
Definitely cling to God. He will get you through the tough times. He told us our lives here wouldn't be easy. He did promise us that He'd be here for us. Unfortunately, it isn't always easy to recognize the times He has been there for us.
I'm ashamed to admit that we've been here in TX for two and a half years and have yet to find a church to attend. I've searched online a couple of times for a few hours total. However, I've always had an excuse not to go. Jim works on Sundays. Yet we could've been going to Saturday night services. (Weird, I'm used to Sunday night services and not Saturday night. What's with the Saturday stuff?) Then there's the times when we've had two vehicles & I've felt like I couldn't face meeting new people without him. Especially since I've not slimmed down enough to fit into my wedding rings again. I don't want to look like some floozy with two kids, no ring & no husband. *lol*
Yet, I feel alone without spending that time with God. Yes, I need to do it on my own away from church whether I go to church or not. That is something else I aim to fix.
So if you need an accountability partner to keep you on track with devotions, Bible reading, praying, etc - I'm here for you. If you need a friend to lean on or to listen or to vent to, etc - I'm here. *HUGS*
Keep that fighting spirit. Keep going to God with whatever is weighing heavy on your heart. He will lead you. If you make a mistake along the way, God forgives. The important thing is to keep your heart in the right place while keeping your eyes on God. HE will fulfill you - people will always let you down in one way or another no matter how hard they try not to.
I believe you can do it
*hugs*
You ARE strong and you CAN do this!
@MyTwoCentss - Firstly, I know you're not the type to rec because you're mentioned.
lol
Secondly, I always love your long, heartfelt responses!
Thirdly, I'd love an accountability partner. Today I wrote down my prayer. Just asking God to guide my steps, carefully, in choosing whatever it is I choose. the problem is being patient, haha.
I can totally understand your apprehension for going to church. When we first got married, we would talk about it, but I was SOO nervous meeting new people. and, with our age gap, lol, we sometimes, you know, get looked at a little wierd. So we just didn't go, either. Although we do have a church, now, we haven't been there since, like, Oct. Yeah.
Anyway, I appreciate your comments. You're awesome as usual.
And it means a lot to me, thank you.
@TheTheologiansCafe - Thank you, Dan. you're wonderful, too, and I'm soo thankful for your friendship!
@AwakeInTheNight - Thank you for that! I'm sure I'll get around to messaging you one of these days.
I really do want to share with you what's going on and pick your brain. and, likewise, I'm always here for you if you ever need a listening ear. I just appreciate you so much, than you!
@AgainstTheWind1 - @LexIsBossy - @Shining_Garnet - @Aloysius_son - Thank you, you guys! It means a lot!