January 24, 2012

  • Marriage is Hard

    *So, this is me being very open and very honest, so If I get any nasty comments, snarky comments or, really, any judgement at all, I will delete them. I'm not the blocking type, but if it's extreme enough.... I'm just in no mood for the many judgements that I KNOW people have out there. Not that any of you would, lol, but the words, "I told you soooo" will probably get you blocked, haha*

    I got married at 19. 

    Now, for many years, I was the one arguing that you can get married young and everything will work. I still believe that, don't get me wrong. When things were a little... easier, it was easier to believe.

    But, the last oh..., who are we really kidding, 2-3 years, we've been struggling. Did I really think that I wouldn't change? I'm far away from the incredibly crazy 19 year old girl I was. *sigh* And he should have known that, too, as he had already been married once and divorced. meh.

    I'm not going to paint this picture of an intimidating, slightly abusive, husband and make it out like I'm some innocent angel. I'm not. I have issues, too. I'll get to those. *he's never laid a hand on me, but he's gotten in my face just screaming at me. I'm somewhat scared and intimidated by him, but I know he'd never hit me or anything. And he said if he ever did, I was to divorce him, but it's not going to happen*.  LIke I said, I have my issues. I can yell, too. When I'm angry. Usually, I clam up all scared and crap and don't talk, which only makes him more mad. It's cause I can't control myself. My problem is that I'm pretty lazy and apathetic. Compared to him, I don't care to the same extent that he does about things, and he takes that as if I don't care about him or his opinions. And I can see how that comes across....

    I think my husband just really wanted a companion. He wanted 1 child. So, once he got his child and once he got his "companion" things went by the wayside.

    I was looking for someone to take care of me. i wanted someone who would be there, protect me, blah, blah, blah. I realize, now, and this is probably a good thing, that it's not about me, it's not about what I can recieve. It's about what I can give him and loving him enough to give him my all... and I haven't done that. I was in love with the idea of being in love, but what do you really know about love at 19? Marriage at 19?

    haha, NOTHING, that's what.

    My husband and I get into arguements quite frequently. We yell. We really yell. He yells at me, I yell at him. Our point in arguing is to do just that, argue. We have our... beliefs. We have our stances and we're always on the opposite side of each other. I've considered budging... but I'm a stubborn bitch who ... okay, whatever. I'm stubborn. But so is he, haha.

    We're both stubborn and we're both fools.

    I don't know what we were thinking.

    So, Divorce. Ah, divorce. We've talked about Divorce (errr, he's talked about Divorce since, oh, a few months into marriage. Seriously. I always figured you should FIGHT and get all the help you could, before coming to that decision. Meh. Still do. We haven't. Go figure. *we will*. Now, for a while, when I was younger, I was scared to death of him leaving, but the older I get, the more indpendent I get, the more I just want... out.*

    I'm just unhappy. 

    And then there was this post on Datingish about marriages failing and blah, blah, blah. Reading the comments litterally sent me into panic attacks. I was crying and just talking to God like, is this how it's supposed to be? I just deal? I made a mistake. I get it. And I just stay in it? I don't know. I know divorce is wrong.... *Fireproof is coming to mind... *sigh**

    I was raised baptist. I think everything is WRONG. Can't even have a Freaking thought go through my head, without thinking i'm doing something wrong. That's why I have so many  problems with my faith. Baptist shit. Sorry. This is going to be all over the place.

    So, I'm worried about people judging me. I figure, if I end up Divorced, I'll be that girl who...

    gave up too easily

    Was too self absorbed

    caught up in "feelings"

    who is a failure

    who failed her child, too.

    Who's a loser.

    Other people seem to have it figured out. Seem to know. Man, I wish I was one of them.

    So you can judge me all you want in your heads. I don't give a crap Actually, I do, but you know what I mean.

    All I can do now is make up my mind. And I guess I'd rather be miserable in marriage, with the hope of correcting it, than be miserable outside of it, having people judge me left and fucking right.

    Then I won't feel like such  a failure.

    But, man, I just wish...

    I wish marriage was easier.

    But, my choice is made for me. Divorce would be rough on us, as we have a child. I don't want to figure out visitation and all that shit. Screw that. I'd have better luck just getting on my knees and praying to God that he would restore the love I have for my husband and not make any bad decisions. I can only work on me. And that's it.

    *I wrote this last night, when I was very, very upset.  I was having panic attacks. A little while later, I realized I wanted my husband to come home from work, so I could just get a hug. I realized that I do need him. He sacrifices so much for our family and I do appreciate it. We may not have been in the right frame of mind getting married when and how we did, but we did it. and it all hasn't been bad. I have many cute stories. I love playing scrabble with him (and, of course, winning ;) ). I guess sometimes... You just see all you could have had...  I owe it to myself to try. Also, there's another big component to why I'm so unhappy, that's too personal to share. Only two people on here know. I have no problem discussing it with people I trust, so if you realy want to know, you can message me*

     

Comments (18)

  • I'll message you :)

  • *HUGS*  I don't think anyone else knows just what they're doing or have it all figured out.  I *thought* I had parenting down to an artform/science........ BEFORE I became a parent.  *lol*  I worked in a daycare so I saw some of the mistakes the parents there made with their kids. I figured that gave me a head start on them since I got to see their problems to avoid with my own kids.  EXCEPT that every child is different.  Just as every person & therefore every relationship/marriage is different. 

    We all have ideas of what we *think* would be the "right" thing to do in this situation or that situation.  (Of course there are always those who DON'T know what they'd do in a situation until/unless they are/were in it.  Even then, sometimes there is NO right answer.  (I believe in absolute truths & morals but I'm just saying sometimes certain situations seem as if there isn't a right or wrong solution.) 

    So I hope that I don't ever give you the impression that I have anything figured out.  I always want to help & so sometimes may offer my ideas, but that by no means is meant as I know what to do or have it all figured out.  *HUGS* 

    I'm sorry that you're struggling so much.  I wish I knew what was the absolute best thing for you.  I don't.  *HUGS*  I'm always here if you need someone to vent to or bounce ideas off of.  Even just to change the subject if you need it. 

  • How do you feel about the marriage vows made to God? How important are they to you?

  • @musterion99 - This is the best way I can put it. Not sure if it will make sense.

    They are more important to me than one would think, including myself. I'm pulling myself around... I just know I need some help. :)

    Other than that, I'm having a very hard time expressing myself lately, so forgive me...

  • @MyTwoCentss -  Oh, no, I didn't mean you in that. Some people can and do come across that way, but that's probably me just being irrational, as usual. They may only come across that way, because they've fought through stuff...

    *forgive me, I can't express myself... I don't feel like much anymore, in a way that ... I don't know*

    I think I know what's best for me. Once I pick myself up, possibly see a doctor about some things, I'll post about saving my marriage... I guarantee it! :)

  • @Megabyyte - I'm glad to hear they are important to you and you don't need to ask to be forgiven. You're going through a lot and you've been through a lot, so I understand.

  • The only things I know absolutely for sure about marital difficulties is that they are excruciating from any perspective and nobody understands how a particular marriage really is unless they're one of the parties.  One other thing I do know for sure is this: whatever troubles you have with your current marriage, you will carry them with you to your next relationship.  I can't tell you how many times (before my divorce) I heard people say they wish they had just figured out a way to fix things in their first marriage because they ended up with the exact same troubles a few years down the road with the next one, but I couldn't believe it, but now I know it's the truth.  I've come to understand that we train the people around us how to treat us, and even if you were to find a whole new mate with a whole new personality, you'd end up training him to treat you the same way your current husband treats you.  For me, that means that I train people to take me for granted.  I train them to think that it's no big deal if I always keep my promises and they never do, because I never stop keeping my promises regardless of their behavior and I never hold them accountable when they fail to keep their promises to me.  I don't know how you train your husband to treat you, and I'm not saying that if he treats you badly that it's your fault, but I know it's true for me: people will only treat me as well as I am willing to tolerate from them, and that's especially true of the people closest to me, even though I want to believe that those are the people that I shouldn't have to demand decent treatment from .

    Good luck with this, and I hope you don't mind that I've sent up a prayer for you just now.

  • @blonde_apocalypse - Thank you soooooo much! :)

  • Honey, marriage is hard whether you got married at 19 or 25. It's never this perfect pretty picture. I married at 19, too. But I really don't think marrying young is what has caused my marriage to whither. It's the communication. Lack of. The distance that was there along with the communication. And all the hardships that have gone on making it hard to cope and know how to put into our relationship the way it was needed. Yes, you are supposed to work with your spouse to come through both the easy and hard times. However, every situation is different.

    I myself do not focus on christian/religious views. I struggle with faith and how I feel about God as it is. I don't focus on what others think is right. I focus on what is healthy to me and my 'husband'. I focus on the situation and look at it as what it is without having the distraction of other things influencing my decision.

    I'm not really one who believes in divorce. I mean I don't like. I really think that people should do what they can to salvage their marriage. In my case, I feel like I have  been thriving for 3 years to fix my relationship. And the thing is...nobody sees whats going on in your marriage the way you and your spouse do. People can only see the cover of the book. No one will ever understand what it's like on the inside. So people can't really judge you. But some people will.
    It IS normal to hit those stumps in the road and it IS possible to come through them. Keep hanging in there. Just communicate. I couldnt express how important it is. Be open and honest. Try to find a way to communicate without yelling and screaming. To calmly discuss the issues at hand. Because the lack of communication kills a relationship. It's what made my marriage so hard. It's just been so impossible to do that. But it's really not completely either sides fault. There have been a lot of things that have made communication hard.
    In our case, we are in agreement with things. We are still friends. We are still able to talk and hang out. It is what it is.
    My situation is so complicated. And it breaks my heart because I feel all those things that you expressed about being "that girl" I carry a lot of heavy guilt because I'm the one who asked for it. And I know nobody understands it. And it's really hard getting people to. And honestly it takes too much energy trying to explain it. So people may look at our situation and judge, but what is important, is that we do the best thing for us, we do the healthy thing. We do what makes us happy and what we feel is the right thing to do. The same for you.
    You have a beautiful little family, and I hope that you guys are able to work through things. Just remember, this blog is okay. What you wrote is okay. You are allowed to express your hardships. It's good to get it all out. Just please, be sure to communicate your feelings. The lack of communication has really destroyed my heart. Has made my relationship so hard to fight for anymore. Even after trying for so long. It took too long for him to realize how much it was hurting me. To the point it was too late. Dont wait till it's too late to be open and honest, and learn how to communicate in a healthy manner. Do what it takes now.
    Id hate to see you in the position I am in.
    However I dont fully regret it. Because I'm finally in a happy point in my life.
    Good luck to you sweat heart. And if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm here. Someone who understands all too well what it's like. 9 years we have shared. I know how those hardships work.

  • Marriage is definately hard.  I don't know any married couple who hasn't been through those times of "oh crap... did I make a mistake marrying this person?"  It gets worse when you both think it, but don't say it to the other one.  And even worse when you're both stubborn (my wife and I are the same way, we both can scream, but rarely will we admit we're wrong, even when it's obvious lol). 

    Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.  If the partner you currently have is no good for you, then divorce is something to be considered. 

    Staying together for a child is not always a good idea, imo.  The fights they see.  Of course, having gone through it all, the fights they see after mom and dad split can be just as bad.  The real trick is finding a good marriage counselor. 

    Hope things work out for you, in which ever manner you choose to follow.

  • I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you figure things out one way or another so you can be happy.

  • I was married pretty young, myself...though not as young as you. You are right...marriage is a TON of hard work. It is definitely not for the faint of heart...but it can also be incredibly rewarding. I think one of the most difficult things about it is like you said...you aren't the same 19 year old girl he married...and I am certainly not the same person either...the fact is that people change as we go through life and learn, and rather than appreciate those things and changes, we tend to idealize who our partners were, which creates alot of conflict.

    I know what you mean about growing up "Baptist."  I attended a Baptist school from 1st to 12th grade, so I totally get it. 
    Just know that you need to do what is best for YOU and your child. I truly believe that if you two are going at it and it's hurting you and causing you pain, that it is time to move on. I'm not saying you shouldn't fight for it---but I'm saying that there is a line where a relationship becomes okay to not healthy. No matter, what, though, don't let other people make this decision for you. This is yours and yours alone. :)
    I hope that this helped, and I truly hope that you find happiness in whatever you decide to do.

  • Sorry things are so tough at times. If the marriage is bad, there's no shame in just bowing out. Life's too short to live it in misery, to avoid the scorn of others. Screw what they think. This is about how YOU feel. Do what you need to do to get what you want to have in life.

  • Marriage really is hard.  How can anybody be with anybody for that long and have it not get really hard at times.

    Divorce?  Really fucking hard.   I'm not saying it's never an option, but when it is, I'm just sayin'

    for what it's worth.

    enjoyed your honest blog.

  • I really enjoyed this and related to much of it.  I was not raised in a religious home, but I do hold a very high standard for myself when it comes to marriage.  My folks separated when I was 8 and then got back together and have been together for 48 years.  When I decided to leave my husband of 22 years, I figured I was doing the right thing because I had been miserable for years.  No, he never beat me or cheated on me, the only "legitimate reasons" for divorce, IMO.  I still feel terribly guilty for many reasons.  Please think long and hard about this.  Weigh your feelings versus your thoughts.  Yes, everyone has parts of themselves they don't like every couple has arguments.  Don't do this lightly.  You can message me if you want to talk.

  • I was just talking to a dear old friend today about her relationship... I've been thinking lately how we all deceive others (and frequently ourselves) as we enter into relationships and on top of that it's impossible to know where the path will lead over the years. I suck at advice and, frankly, don't think I have any pedestal to stand on when it comes to relationships, but I sympathize and wish you the best for a peaceful, happy household.

  • My husband and I married young too. I was 18 and he had just turned 19, but our relationship is a little different because he was military and went to war twice. It really changed our perspective of being without each other. We didn't have children until we had been married for 7 years. (this year will be our 10th yr.) So we were able to mature into one another without the added stress of children. I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice to give you except that I've been talking to several women on here who have also been having marital problems. The majority of them recommend going to counseling and trying to work things out. But as you said, the only person you can change is yourself. 

    Like I said, I have no experience with arguing or fighting or divorce. But I wouldn't worry too much about what others think about you, you're the only one who knows what is going on in your marriage. And really, there are so many people out there in your same situation, most people aren't going to be too judgmental about it. And if they are, I guess they really aren't people you need to be around anyway. No matter what you decide, it's really no one's business but yours. I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd try to fight for it (unless of course things turned physical, then I'm out). And if counseling and trying to work it out didn't work, I suppose I'd have to say it might be better to just go separate ways. You can still remain friends, even if you can't live together. But honestly, I'm rooting for you guys to work on it. I hope everything turns out well for you. 

  • I understand what you are saying. I was married at 19 too, to an older man. We are still married, happily, 17+ years later. Marriage is hard, really hard. It is a lot of work. Sometimes things fit and work just perfect but much of the time, it takes struggle. It all boils down to whether the both of you are willing to put in that work. It really does not matter what your issues are or what his are. You have to be willing to do 100% of the work to make it successful. Thing is, he also has to be willing to do 100% of the work, the magic is when you meet halfway. Best wishes & heaven bless.

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