January 22, 2012
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Help? Question...
So, I know I shared my story about overcoming sexual abuse. I meant every word I said, including the part about "regressing". I remember reading about it. I remember knowing that the cycle of healing would go round and round, depending on how your life is, I guess. I don't know, it's been many years. Okay, forgive me for not knowing exactly what it said.
Okay, so...
The other night I pulled out my old journal, it was the one that I actually... recorded some of my... healing process, if you will. It started with, you guessed it, sharing my story. And there was much more detail. there were things I was not going to post about it, obviously.
But, that's really not what I'm trying to get at here...
I guess I... feel sick to my stomach?
And then I think about it happening again.
Like...
I told my husband, just yesterday, that if I was ever raped again... I wouldn't be strong the second time around.
I couldn't be. I might be selling myself short. And I probably am. But... I'm serious. Which is why I'll always ensure that it won't. It took me so long to get to THIS point. I don't want to do it all again...
So, what if it does happen again... and I'm left with dealing with it again? And why am I soooooo scared?
I even talked about it, today, and... how I was never EVER going to let ANYONE do that to me.. EVER AGAIN. I'd do anything, because I'll be DAMNED if I let it happen again. And I don't realize why I'm SOOOO SCARED of it happening again?
And, also, why does that suddenly make me feel like... I have no power? It does and it doesn't. It means I'm vulnerable, but it also means I will FREAKING KILL anyone who tries. I freaking will! I have these... I don't know. I just have these dreams of being trapped in a car with a guy and he's just... and I just want to get out and there's nothing I can do and I'm screaming and begging him to let me out.. and just how badly I want to strangle him or kick him or basically kill him. So, maybe I should go back to punching pillows and kicking I can't remember what, something hard, takes effort and strength and lets out aggression, as those were ways to help cope. *I just feel agressive thoughts*
You know I don't get this at all.
I don't know how you can feel soo secure and safe one minute, share your story and how you overcame something and then the next you're all shaky and... I just need these questions to be answered.
and, who knows, maybe I.. maybe I'll be over this by tomorrow.
Yeah, I'll shoot for that.
*sorry if this... bothers, anyone.*
And I hate to post this, because I feel like such an idiot...
No, really... I'll be over this. I won't be... scared. I'll be fine. I'll just.. I just don't know where this is coming from?
Help?
*after some thought about this, I guess I'm just scared of going back. Just scared of losing progress. I'm like that in other parts of my life, as well. But I can't give in to that fear. Otherwise, the fear alone will destroy me*
*and i'm considering making this protected. I'm starting to feel this may be too personal to share with everyone, lol.*
Comments (9)
It's 3am, so I really need to get to bed. But I'll come back to read this later and see what encouragement or advice I can offer (or, whatever you're asking help for). I just want to make sure I'm rested because I can see this is a heart-felt post and I want to be fully awake to give the best I can.
Don't worry, well that sounds a bit easier to write than do I imagine :/
But
basically I think after going through something like that it is likely
to come back at you from time to time, and leave you with some pretty
deep wounds.
But no matter how it might come up or surprise you
with thoughts like 'what if it happened again' you've got to keep
reminding yourself that thats gone and you made it through, not noly
that you have repaired yourself and become strong again.
You are
in control of your life and most importantly your mind, so don't let the
panic or worry run away with you just take it as a reminder to think
about all the wonderful things you have achieved and have in your life.
All the things and people you love and everything you are grateful for.
Here are a few of my thoughts. Take them with a grain of salt since I've never been in your situation Megan.
First off, don't worry about if YOU are strong enough. I believe I've read you say that you are a Christian, right? So you trust in God? Well, it may sound like a worn out & over used Bible verse, but if you really contemplate it - it is meaningful. Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (NKJV)
So even though YOU may feel weak at times, scared, etc. Lean on HIM. HE can strengthen you. He can get you through anything. Including these fears, worries & anxieties.
Something else that may help you feel like you're taking control while also getting out some aggression - perhaps go to karate lessons and/or self-defense classes. This way you're exercising & getting out your aggression. You're also empowering yourself by arming your body & mind with the knowledge of how to defend yourself should you ever need to. Just knowing that you know how to defend yourself could help ease some of your fears & anxieties.
Not to mention, I'm sure that sharing your story here in public made you feel a bit vulnerable as well as rehashed a bit of what you went through. I'm sure it was lingering in your subconscious after typing it all out. *HUGS*
Im really really sorry if this is kind of my fault...i didnt mean too hurt you... i do think you are strong though. I really dont think it will happen again. Id offer some advice but i really do not know...so ill tell you i love you and pray for you...its not much... but its the best i can do. *hugs*
@Semper_medusa - Oh, no no no... this isn't your fault at all. I'm going to message you in a little bit. I've been kinda preoccupied and busy and... I'll message you!
ok...I just dont want to trigger you
Sorry, but I realized this is one I can't read about two or three lines in. I just wanted to say though, your new profile pic is actually kinda cute. I know that's not what you're trying to convey, but the way you chose to convey it is..endearing.
Smile, chick. It gets better.
I have not yet read the rest of your blogs, but I am going to. I have PTSD due to sexual abuse as a child, and acquaintance rapes as an adult. I think we may have a lot in common...
@AgainstTheWind1 - Thank you soooo much!
*hugs*