So, I don't really know WHAT happened, but I've said that in the last couple weeks, I've lost my appetite, I can't sleep, I've lost interest in things I used to love and I have quite the intense emotions. I go from super, stinking happy (I'm still happy, despite what I've been sharing) directly to panic attacks. I don't get it. I'm not NORMALLY like this.

See, when I was 18, and stuck in that wonderfully, pleasant psych ward, I was "diagnosed" with bi-polar.

have I been on medication for it since then? Nope. And never felt the need.

I had postpartum depression, untreated, till my daughter turned 1, but after that, the depression went away.

I've been fine.

I'm wondering if... this has anything to do with my... supposed diagnosis? Because, this is NOTHING like the normal me. I feel like I'm here, this is me, I'm just not hungry, I'm not tired, and yet I'm exhausted with just life in general, been neglecting duties around the house and for myself. I just have totally lost interest in things. It was such a sudden change. And, I'm averaging about a 1lb weight loss every day (for those that know that I've been trying to lose weight, I'm sure you can imagine how happy I am, despite the fact that I have no appetite, lol. Silver lining!)

I haven't... ever felt like this. At least not in a LONG time.

I don't know what happened, what started this or what not, but I'll probably bite the bullet and see a doc. 

Maybe all the lack of sleep, lack of nutrition and my crazy moods make everything more dramatic for me. I have not an earthly clue. It just kinda hit me this morning...  that something isn't right. It's confusing.

*So, stay tuned. I'm working on some things and I swear I'll be back to the normally happy, making lame attempts at humor, positive, girl . Don't worry. Just bear with me for a while!*

And I thank you ALL for the wonderful support and Love. I really feel truly blessed to have this outlet. I've been on xanga for YEARS and just in the past few months, I feel like I've built many wonderful relationships and everyone on here is sooooo nice. I love you all and appreciate you all and thank you all!

*Considering the last few days I've been an emotional wreck, and making a fool of myself, clearly, I thought you'd all like a laugh (that is, if you're not laughing at me in general, haha)... so here. People seem to appreciate humor more than anything else, anyway. So, there....*

 

YESSSSSS! LOL

True story, bro.

*So, this is me being very open and very honest, so If I get any nasty comments, snarky comments or, really, any judgement at all, I will delete them. I'm not the blocking type, but if it's extreme enough.... I'm just in no mood for the many judgements that I KNOW people have out there. Not that any of you would, lol, but the words, "I told you soooo" will probably get you blocked, haha*

I got married at 19. 

Now, for many years, I was the one arguing that you can get married young and everything will work. I still believe that, don't get me wrong. When things were a little... easier, it was easier to believe.

But, the last oh..., who are we really kidding, 2-3 years, we've been struggling. Did I really think that I wouldn't change? I'm far away from the incredibly crazy 19 year old girl I was. *sigh* And he should have known that, too, as he had already been married once and divorced. meh.

I'm not going to paint this picture of an intimidating, slightly abusive, husband and make it out like I'm some innocent angel. I'm not. I have issues, too. I'll get to those. *he's never laid a hand on me, but he's gotten in my face just screaming at me. I'm somewhat scared and intimidated by him, but I know he'd never hit me or anything. And he said if he ever did, I was to divorce him, but it's not going to happen*.  LIke I said, I have my issues. I can yell, too. When I'm angry. Usually, I clam up all scared and crap and don't talk, which only makes him more mad. It's cause I can't control myself. My problem is that I'm pretty lazy and apathetic. Compared to him, I don't care to the same extent that he does about things, and he takes that as if I don't care about him or his opinions. And I can see how that comes across....

I think my husband just really wanted a companion. He wanted 1 child. So, once he got his child and once he got his "companion" things went by the wayside.

I was looking for someone to take care of me. i wanted someone who would be there, protect me, blah, blah, blah. I realize, now, and this is probably a good thing, that it's not about me, it's not about what I can recieve. It's about what I can give him and loving him enough to give him my all... and I haven't done that. I was in love with the idea of being in love, but what do you really know about love at 19? Marriage at 19?

haha, NOTHING, that's what.

My husband and I get into arguements quite frequently. We yell. We really yell. He yells at me, I yell at him. Our point in arguing is to do just that, argue. We have our... beliefs. We have our stances and we're always on the opposite side of each other. I've considered budging... but I'm a stubborn bitch who ... okay, whatever. I'm stubborn. But so is he, haha.

We're both stubborn and we're both fools.

I don't know what we were thinking.

So, Divorce. Ah, divorce. We've talked about Divorce (errr, he's talked about Divorce since, oh, a few months into marriage. Seriously. I always figured you should FIGHT and get all the help you could, before coming to that decision. Meh. Still do. We haven't. Go figure. *we will*. Now, for a while, when I was younger, I was scared to death of him leaving, but the older I get, the more indpendent I get, the more I just want... out.*

I'm just unhappy. 

And then there was this post on Datingish about marriages failing and blah, blah, blah. Reading the comments litterally sent me into panic attacks. I was crying and just talking to God like, is this how it's supposed to be? I just deal? I made a mistake. I get it. And I just stay in it? I don't know. I know divorce is wrong.... *Fireproof is coming to mind... *sigh**

I was raised baptist. I think everything is WRONG. Can't even have a Freaking thought go through my head, without thinking i'm doing something wrong. That's why I have so many  problems with my faith. Baptist shit. Sorry. This is going to be all over the place.

So, I'm worried about people judging me. I figure, if I end up Divorced, I'll be that girl who...

gave up too easily

Was too self absorbed

caught up in "feelings"

who is a failure

who failed her child, too.

Who's a loser.

Other people seem to have it figured out. Seem to know. Man, I wish I was one of them.

So you can judge me all you want in your heads. I don't give a crap Actually, I do, but you know what I mean.

All I can do now is make up my mind. And I guess I'd rather be miserable in marriage, with the hope of correcting it, than be miserable outside of it, having people judge me left and fucking right.

Then I won't feel like such  a failure.

But, man, I just wish...

I wish marriage was easier.

But, my choice is made for me. Divorce would be rough on us, as we have a child. I don't want to figure out visitation and all that shit. Screw that. I'd have better luck just getting on my knees and praying to God that he would restore the love I have for my husband and not make any bad decisions. I can only work on me. And that's it.

*I wrote this last night, when I was very, very upset.  I was having panic attacks. A little while later, I realized I wanted my husband to come home from work, so I could just get a hug. I realized that I do need him. He sacrifices so much for our family and I do appreciate it. We may not have been in the right frame of mind getting married when and how we did, but we did it. and it all hasn't been bad. I have many cute stories. I love playing scrabble with him (and, of course, winning ). I guess sometimes... You just see all you could have had...  I owe it to myself to try. Also, there's another big component to why I'm so unhappy, that's too personal to share. Only two people on here know. I have no problem discussing it with people I trust, so if you realy want to know, you can message me*

 

*did this over a week ago, deleted it, trying it again, teehe*

I love this pic of me and my sis. I love my sis. I think I make the prettier princess  (jk). I'm the smaller one, by the way.

That was Cody. We had fun torturing each other... until he made me cry! Lets see, he made me eat an ant, kiss the ground and dared me to touch the grill... when it was hot. and he tried to run me over with his bike, on several occasions. that's what good friends are for.

Ah, this is where I get my laziness from...

Look at those dresses. Ohhhhh my....

This is the only time you're going to see this chick in a bathing suit.

Am I holding a pill bottle?

 

Okay, now you all should post pics of yourself as a kid, baby...

 

 

 

There's a certain song that pretty much sums up exactly how I feel, exactly how I would say what I need to say to a certain, uh, person. Whom I happen to live with. I'll stop there.

I just need to know something. And I don't know what's better.

Is it better to stay in a relationship, to honor the commitment you made, and just be unhappy, or is it better to break the commitment, as hard as that would be, just to find some happiness again? I'm confused.

Anyway, this is exactly how I feel. And if you want to hear the actual song, it's currently playing on my page.

I won't be the circus for you to star in
I won't leave you roses to watch them die
You won't be the heartache that keeps me sleepless
You won't be the songs that I could never write

I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall
I don't want to have to see you leave me
I don't want to take, I don't want to lose it all
Maybe I'm a fake, maybe you're a lie
Maybe our last chance died with last night
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall in love with you again

I won't be a fortress for you to hide in
I won't be the first one you think to call
You won't be the regrets that I can't live with
And we won't be the last ones to ever have to lose it all

When we're scared and lonely
We will tell ourselves we're only
Just a word from what we needed
But we know that this ain't right

I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall
I don't want to have to see you leave me
I don't want to take, I don't want to lose it all
Maybe I'm a fake, maybe you're a lie
Maybe our last chance died with last night
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall in love with you again

I can't stay
I can't fall for you again

-Again, needtobreathe

*teehee, love this*

The only thing I disagree with is the sex. Uh, you can never have too much sex, sorry. bahaha. *though, yes, more romance prior to the big event, score!*

Seriously, I feel like a man. Why is that? lol

The rest of it though, *cha ching*.

I'm a Christian.

For a while, I had a hard time actually just saying this out loud. To anyone (I mean, new people in my life... other people just... know...)

Firstly, as far as xanga is concerned, I see the way most Christians are treated, on here. And, personally, I don't want to be attacked for my beliefs. However, I'm coming to the conclusion that it's better to be attacked, for having the beliefs, feeling you can share them, as opposed to, well, not being able to freely talk about it out of fear of being attacked.

Secondly, I just feel like one GIANT hypocrite. A lot of times, I don't want to expose the fact that I'm a christian, because I'm afraid that the MINUTE I say the wrong thing, someone will jump in, saying how it's not "Christ like".

For example. I cuss. I hate cussing, lol. But I cuss. I, personally, feel convicted for it. I was raised to not cuss, so I guess I just feel like cussing makes me a bad christian example. (Not that I see other Christians cussing as a problem, just for me personally!) I also recently shared on my blog that I had pre-marital sex. Yes. So, there's another great shining example of how much I've done wrong. But, that was also during a dark point in my life and... I've come to terms with it. God is a forgiving God, if we REPENT. And I have. Can't erase it. Can't undo it. Can only move on and do better. 

I also have these "secret" sins. It's just things I struggle with. The ONLY one who knows what "it" is, besides God, is my husband. And that's just how it's going to remain. Because it's too personal to share. But, again, probably all goes back to the fear of being attacked for it.

I just know that I'm human and I make mistakes. I don't want to appear all holier than thou, when I'm not, and I don't want people to just "see" a certain side of me. I just want to be MYSELF, human errors, mistakes and all. 

So, that's why I don't share much about my faith. I've been getting bolder, lately. I guess, when you let most people in to some very private parts of your life, you can feel a little more comfortable. 

Another reason is that, though reading through the entire Bible is a goal I am currently working on, I'm just very confused about things. I'd love to, one day, just sit down with someone who has studied a lot more and ask questions and pick their brain. Sometimes, I'll read a verse and just not totally get it. So, in an effort to not appear completely clueless, I just keep my trap shut.

So, even though I'm sure some, if not most, people know I'm a Christian (through some post or another), I'm out. But don't expect me to be perfect. I certainly don't. I try and respect all beliefs. I care about everyone and love everyone and always want the best for people, but the best, I think, is to just let people choose for themselves. I always thought the best way to bring people to Christ, was to be a good example. I still believe that. And I still believe that, a lot of times, I just fail miserably at that.

I'm human. I'm not perfect and I think my relationship with Christ is very important. In prayer, I can work through some of my issues and, ultimately, HE is the ONLY ONE I should be concerned about. His view of my life is the only one that matters. 

*I hope this makes some sense. I just figure that, some people might come to my page and not ever know the difference, because I don't talk about it much and what not. So, I wanted to explain... as dumb as that may be, lol. I would like to post more about this, you know... Meh.*

So, I know I shared my story about overcoming sexual abuse. I meant every word I said, including the part about "regressing". I remember reading about it. I remember knowing that the cycle of healing would go round and round, depending on how your life is, I guess. I don't know, it's been many years. Okay, forgive me for not knowing exactly what it said.

Okay, so...

The other night I pulled out my old journal, it was the one that I actually... recorded some of my... healing process, if you will. It started with, you guessed it, sharing my story. And there was much more detail. there were things I was not going to post about it, obviously.

But, that's really not what I'm trying to get at here...

I guess I... feel sick to my stomach?

And then I think about it happening again.

Like...

I told my husband, just yesterday, that if I was ever raped again... I wouldn't be strong the second time around.

I couldn't be. I might be selling myself short. And I probably am. But... I'm serious. Which is why I'll always ensure that it won't. It took me so long to get to THIS point. I don't want to do it all again...

So, what if it does happen again... and I'm left with dealing with it again? And why am I soooooo scared?

I even talked about it, today, and... how I was never EVER going to let ANYONE do that to me.. EVER AGAIN. I'd do anything, because I'll be DAMNED if I let it happen again. And I don't realize why I'm SOOOO SCARED of it happening again?

And, also, why does that suddenly  make me feel like... I have no power? It does and it doesn't. It means I'm vulnerable, but it also means I will FREAKING KILL anyone who tries. I freaking will! I have these... I don't know. I just have these dreams of being trapped in a car with a guy and he's just... and I just want to get out and there's nothing I can do and I'm screaming and begging him to let me out.. and just how badly I want to strangle him or kick him or basically kill him. So, maybe I should go back to punching pillows and kicking I can't remember what, something hard, takes effort and strength and lets out aggression, as those were ways to help cope. *I just feel agressive thoughts*

You know I don't get this at all.

I don't know how you can feel soo secure and safe one minute, share your story and how you overcame something and then the next you're all shaky and... I just need these questions to be answered.

and, who knows, maybe I.. maybe I'll be over this by tomorrow. 

Yeah, I'll shoot for that.

 *sorry if this... bothers, anyone.*

And I hate to post this, because I feel like such an idiot...

No, really... I'll be over this. I won't be... scared. I'll be fine. I'll just..  I just don't know where this is coming from? 

Help?

*after some thought about this, I guess I'm just scared of going back. Just scared of losing progress. I'm like that in other parts of my life, as well. But I can't give in to that fear. Otherwise, the fear alone will destroy me*

*and i'm considering making this protected. I'm starting to feel this may be too personal to share with everyone, lol.*

So, I'll just come out with it...

I got on the scale today, even though it's not a Monday. Clearly, my appetite has been jack diddly squat, lately, but I've been forcing myself to eat. I don't really know if it's just that my appetite really is gone or if I'm just learning to eat very, very, very little?

Anyway, I've been feeling pretty good and, so, got on the scale.

I have lost 26 lbs. And this was weighing in AFTER I had already eaten breakfast.

The other day, I tried on a shirt that I haven't been able to wear for, well, a while. It fit. I felt so confident, because... I don't know. I just did.

So, I felt the same way today. After knowing I've lost 26 lbs, I just feel SO MUCH BETTER about myself. (not to mention my lovely and challenging 5 mile walks. Love them)

However, then, we went to a birthday/late christmas celebration with family, today. 

Meh. Doug took pictures of me holding the babies (awww! Love them!) and I couldn't stand the pictures. Because I couldn't see the 26 lbs... at all.

And this is why I'm completely irrational.

At least I can admit it. Durrrrrrr, big changes. Big changes. I just HATE seeing pictures of myself and, in that sense, I still need the confidence. I've accepted *some* of my insecurities. I just have to keep in mind that this is me, take it or leave it and if someone else doesn't like it, screw them. lol I just need to be happy with myself. 

Plus, I'm feeling a little... errr, bad about cutting off all my hair. Seems like everyone liked the long stuff. But, honestly, I do like it... it just took a little time to get used to. Because day 2, after cutting it all off, I regretted it. But I donated the hair, so it's not like I did it for nothing. I'm just going to grow it out even longer, next time! And I'm starting to like it. Who cares what everyone else thinks... (silly, right, it's just stupid hair! gosh, why do I have to be so stupid, err, scratch that, I can't be mean to myself)

meh. 

People.

So, my confidence is still under construction, but I was still SUPER STINKING HAPPY, today, about my accomplishments (even if it does seem like my stomach is never going to be the same, thanks pregnancy, lol). 

I'm still super stinking happy, anyway.