I would say that Saturday is not my favorite day. You might find that kinda funny. I mean, who doesn't like Saturdays? Well, this is the day that everyone is pretty much home... and sometimes that can be rather boring, especially when everyone wants to do similar things, but can't, or just wants to be lazy. It's just not that fun, lol. And I probably won't be on the computer much. My husband said last night that I was a computer hog and he wonders why blogging is so important to me. Well, I hog the computer, because he hogs the computer, lol. Geez. I knew that he would be on it all night and not let me on, so I beat him too it. Yeah, that was mean of me.

Our conversation was kind of like this,

Him: Why do you care so much about blogging?

Me: I think it's just my only outlet. I need more hobbies

Him: Yeah, but you end up just reading stuff about your situation and getting more upset. It can't really be an "outlet", then.

Me: *really confused? What on earth does THAT mean and what is my "situation"*.

Him: We have enough drama in our own lives, I don't know why you care about everyone else's. You're trying to get away from things in your past, not get right back into them

*lol*

I still don't know what the means.

Yeah, Xanga can be drama land for sure. I've pretty much avoided certain topics as much as I can. I used to love the drama, thinking it was kinda funny, but then I say stupid things and people want to argue and I'm just over that. So, no, I'm not so focused on the drama aspect anymore, but more on GETTING TO KNOW THE AWESOME PEOPLE. So, yes, that is an outlet. I still need other hobbies, though. lol I do need to find some other purpose. Sitting on a computer for a couple hours really can be a pain, since I'm restless and need to move constantly.

Anyway, gee, I went way overboard on that. What was my original point?

Well, my mom has a wedding, today. Her boyfriends son is getting married. Oh, did I mention that this man would make an awesome step-dad? And he's got sons. They are twins. I would LOVE having step-brothers, even if we don't see each other a lot. haha. I just want a brother.   My brother in law is close enough. We used to get into arguments just like we were siblings. Not so much anymore, though, but we're competitive when it comes to playing games. My life goal was to beat him in Scrabble... and I did!  Though, I do want a rematch.

Anywho, I'm sure everyone will be waking up soon enough and we'll get "busy".

And I'm fully convinced we aren't getting a winter this year. I mean, okay, we had like 3 days of shoveling, so far, but less than 4 inches. 3 inches, maybe. Considering the bunches of snow we got last year? I'm wondering why I was so concerned with getting boots, hat and gloves. So far, haven't really needed them.   I really want to get some winter pictures, but we have no snow on the ground. Ah, well. I'm sure it'll come. Maybe, at least, once. Just so we can do snow angels and build a snow man and have a snowball fight. And I can get my pictures. *And considering a month or two ago, I was saying  "snow? who needs snow?", this is an improvement for me!*

Okay, end ramble. You all have a great day!

I've been learning, lately, that sometimes you've just got to put yourself out there. people will either like your or not, ignore you or talk to you, want to be friends or want to be enemies.  Meh. But, the risk is worth it, especially if the person likes you and wants to be friends.  I love making new friends. I consider myself a friendly person.

So, here's the thing. I have this ONE friend that I can't stop thinking about. We were neighbors for several years. I remember the first time we met. We came home from church and my dad was on the porch and there were two kids playing in our sprinkler. She was 3 years younger than me, so I didn't really think we had much in common. But, we had a good friendship. Well, you know, it had it's ups and downs. You know how girls can be.  She was very needy. I was very independent. Shoot, I needed my alone time. She needed someone to play with. So, that created quite the drama between the two of us. But, we were still friends.

Then, she moved away. Boo...

Then...

Well...

Okay, so she was the other girl who my dad molested. So, that kinda became a big... barrier between us.

Basically, she felt that I was mad at her for my dad going off to jail.

I told her this was NOT the case, so we started talking to each other again and thought we'd be good "therapy" for each other. haha.

Well, that didn't last.

After I moved out of state, I did send her a letter to tell her how sorry I was for not always being a good friend and that I wanted another chance to make our friendship work.

She never responded.

Being the facebook stalker I am (hehe ), I looked her up, found her and... I let it go, for a long time. I didn't friend her.

I just sent her a request the other day. We still live less than a mile from each other! I mean, really!  We never run into each other. Goodness.

However, I just don't want to be that... remembrance for her. If she's doing fine, I don't want to come back in the picture, reminding her of the past and what my dad did to her. She felt she was to blame? yeah. Well, imagine how I FELT.  He was MY DAD. So, if she's fine, I don't want to rock the boat for her. At the same time, how can I really know without trying? So, I sent the request and am just patiently waiting.

Maybe it'll be worth it, I just don't want to hurt her.

I guess we'll see how this plays out.

This is just my new motivation picture.

I can finally fit back into my Disneyland hoody, that I got, gee, 4 years ago? Shoot! haha

It's not really a great picture, but I was planning on getting a picture when I reached every goal. So, here ya go!

Yay! I feel really good! *Just ignore the dirty mirror. Someone needs to clean it.  A certain 3 year old loves to make messes, you know*

haha, there's this girls picture that a friend on facebook commented on. She, also, took a picture of herself, to show her progress with weight loss/fitness. She was COMPLETELY nude, and just had black strips over her privates. LOL. That took some guts. I don't care how small I am, I'm never taking a nude picture of myself and posting it online, haha. She did look good, though. lol

Anyway, just some motivation to keep me thinking positively! I've worked really hard.

I can't really do a whole post on how awesome my dad is or how he's my "best friend". Many of you know why. What I can do, and what I want to do, is get off my chest what my hopes for him are.

For those who don't know, he was an alcoholic and he sexually abused my sister and I (and another girl), he was also verbally abusive. That's ALL I'm going to say on that. Just so you know WHY.

He worked a pretty dead end job. It never made him happy. Most nights, he'd come home from work and just complain about his day, then go get drunk and throw things around. Typical night at our house.

He was just a very unhappy man. And he was confused. And he made terrible mistakes.

He kind of reminds me of myself. I mean, I'm not going to do exactly what he did, LOL, I'm just saying that I'm more like him than I ever thought. And he's my PERFECT EXAMPLE of why I don't want to go down the path that he chose.

Just because life isn't what you wanted, and you feel you have no control over things, doesn't mean you can't CHANGE it. You don't have to GIVE INTO IT AND HURT EVERYONE AROUND YOU, in the process. That's what he chose.

Even though, technically, he was not supposed to send us letters from Prison, he did. One of the first ones was how he accepted Christ as his Savior. Hey, I'd be happy for that. I mean, I was for a while. But I still just... felt angry over it. But, ultimately, why should I be angry over that? That'd be me just being bitter, right? Yeah, exactly. I SINCERELY hope that he's telling the truth. That's a great STEP  in changing his life.

Another letter he sent, talked about how he got his GED or something. I don't know. He sent his tassle, he got. For the life of me, I have NO IDEA why he sent it to my mom. I mean, really, he should have kept it as proof of his own hard work, not sent it to the ex wife of the children he molested? Just doesn't make sense. Unless he was hoping to get her back.

*And I'm so GLAD my mom pretty much hated his guts and didn't want him back. Imagine how awkward tht would be now! lol*

When he first got out of prison, I was a little ticked off that he was now going to be able to get on Social Security (I'm assuming. I really don't know). He basically got into a halfway house, now he's living somewhere else. I don't know if everything's been totally handed to him, I just, for the life of me, couldn't understand how HE could get a job? I thought, damn, if he gets a job, before my mom, there's a problem. A real freaking problem.

Again, all bitterness.

So, now I sincerely HOPE that he's making positive steps to building a better life. Had it been up to me, he would have remained in prison, but since I didn't get to make that choice, he now has his second chance AND I HOPE HE MAKES THE BEST OF IT. I hope he STAYS AWAY from other kids and NEVER hurts another child EVER. I hope he can find a way to support himself. I hope that he can finish out his life making GOOD, productive choices.

He is my father after all. Wasn't much of one, but I know that he just... probably didn't know what he was doing. We're all human. We make mistakes. And I hope that he's learned from them and goes on to do Better. I still have love for him and compassion, despite all he did

*Some of you may even remember my conflicting feelings over re-building a relationship with him. Not going to do it. As sucky as it is, I'm NOT going to allow him to hurt me again or my daughter. So, I just hope that, maybe one day after this life is over, we can actually talk about everything*

But before I cry, I'll leave it there.

That's my hope for my Dad.

You never know when you're gonna meet someone
And your whole wide world in a moment comes undone
You're just walking around and suddenly
Everything that you thought that you knew about love is gone

You find out it's all been wrong
And all my scars don't seem to matter anymore
Cause they led me here to you

I know that its gonna take sometime
I've got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind
This might end up like it should
And I'm gonna say what I need to say
And hope to god that it don't scare you away
Don't wanna be misunderstood
But I'm starting to believe that this could be the start of something good

Everyone knows life has its Ups and downs
One day you're on top of the world and one day you're the clown

Well I've been both enough to know
That you don't wanna get in the way when its working out
The way that it is right now
You see my heart i wear it on my sleeve
Cause I just can't hide it anymore

I know that it's gonna take sometime
I've got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind
This might end up like it should
And I'm gonna say what I need to say
And hope to god that it don't scare you away
Don't wanna be misunderstood
But I'm starting to believe that this could be the start

Cause I don't know where it's going
There's a part of me that loves not knowing
Just don't let it end before we begin

You never know when you gonna meet someone
And your whole wide world in a moment comes undone

I know that its gonna take sometime
I've got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind
This might end up like it should
And I'm gonna say what I need to say
And hope to god that it don't scare you away
Don't wanna be misunderstood
But I'm starting to believe
Oh I'm starting to believe that this could be the start of something good

- Start of Something Good, Daughtry

*love their new cd. Go to youtube and listen to this song. Awesome. I'd post it myself, but I'm too lazy*

*Since I dedicated a post to my sister, I figured it was my moms turn! *

My mom is the most amazing mom, ever! haha. We haven't always been super close and we still deal with communication issues but, over all, she's a fighter and she's the biggest inspiration to me. She's been through SOOO MUCH CRAP and she's kept a smile on her face, a positive attitude in her life the entire time.

Most of my life, she was a 5th grade teacher. She loved to teach and she taught for over 30 years at the Christian School I attended. My sister and I were the "teachers kids", but that was okay.  I liked having a teacher for a mom. And I liked having somewhere to go If I needed too. 

She met my dad at church, *yes you heard that right, lol*. They were both active in the church, at the time. They got married and had my sister and I. That's when life was a little more funny. Suddenly, she had a husband who was abusive and an alcoholic. He was never physically abusive to any of us (except my gramma, whom he put his hands around her neck and lifted her up). Anyway, She dealt with the threats on all our lives, was scared out of her mind and didn't know what to do. Through it all, she tried her BEST to deal with everything she had too. she had no help from him whatsoever. I couldn't imagine living life like that. But I know she handled it out of fear.

That all changed once he was sent off to jail. Then she had to just continue on. That was a hard time for her. Everything being so public and trying to just... carry on. Being a mother, myself, now, I can't imagine. I really can't.

She had to get more hours at work, just to make ends meet. See the house we're in right now, we couldn't really afford. My dad wanted to be the "man of the house" (it was my gramma's house and, since she owned it, he didn't feel like he was the man of the house *rolls eyes*), so she agreed to buy the house. though he didn't contribute MUCH, it was still hard for her to do on her own, but she managed. And she always tried to remain positive and act like nothing was bothering her.

She's always been an amazing Christian example. We were kept in church, kept in the Christian school, etc. Her faith carried her through and I think everyone could see that. It took me a while, because I was a really... rebellious teenager. (I'll leave it at that, lol. I was horrible to her about a lot of things that I look back on and feel really bad about).

She's just always been there for us. She's always supported us, despite making bad choices and being horrible to her, at times.

I definitely learned to appreciate all she did for us. And I love her for doing everything she could do to protect us and support us!

She lost her teaching job back in 2008. The school closed. She's had quite a time trying to get jobs to keep up with all her responsibilities. She's currently working two jobs, still active in the church and she's even dating again.

I really hope her and this man do get married one day.

All I know is, she DESERVES every little bit of happiness she can get. She loves him and I hope it works out for her. I would love that for her. She's amazing and she deserves it! She's got a fighting spirit that I absolutely love and admire. I can only hope to be half the woman she is. She's amazing in every way.

Something I enjoyed, today.

See the flat tire? Yeah...

The lake that is our back yard!

I also got a funny video, but won't be posting it. lol 

We just had fun jumping in the puddles and.... yeah.

Then I enjoyed the nice little drive we took.

And that's all.

One of my many great blessings in life is my sister. I LOVE HER.

She is 4 years older than me (currently 28, but she'll be turning 29 in March. Hard to believe).

Growing up, we shared a room and a bed. When I was a toddler, and still sleeping in a crib, I would climb out and climb into bed with her. Then we shared a bed, later, and would argue over who stole the covers. It was still fun. Eventually, we got our own space, did more arguing than anything else and kinda grew apart. You know, it happens. I felt that, for a time, our 4 year age gap was more a big deal than one would think. The year I was going into high school, she was graduating.

I remember one year us going to summer camp together. The one year we could go together. Anyway, I was sooooo looking forward to just spending time with HER and having her to have my back. For example, we had to take  a "swimming test" in order to swim in the lake. And we had to have a buddy. I just automatically assumed that she'd be my buddy. And considering I didn't know how to swim, I was petrified and needed her. Well, that day she was sick. I didn't find this out till we were down at the lake, getting instructions on what we needed to do. Once I heard she was sick and couldn't come, I broke down crying and had a panic attack, LOL. Then my camp counsellor and another friend, who couldn't swim, went with me up to do like crafts or something. Anyway, that was a fun year and once my sister found out how I reacted, she felt bad. And I think we spent more time together after that.

The fun part came when she was in college. We would have sister days, whenver we needed them. Most of the time, this would entail a couple of different things. We either,

A) Browsing Babies R Us. (Though, I was a teenager and shouldn't have been thinking about babies, she loved the idea of having babies and is a mega planner, so she had to have ideas. It was fun just looking around, anyway)

B) Going to the mall, of course.

C) Just driving around town

She was in nursing school, at the time. She's now a pediatric nurse. I remember going with her to a class at the library that was about the heart or something. The lady started talking about plaque and how, naturally, it would build up over time and blah, blah, blah. To this day I CANNOT hear anything about the heart, lol. I ended up having to run out of the library and puked on the sidewalk. great fun. We had a good laugh at that. On  the way home, we just laughed at that. She thought my reaction was hilarious.  We had a lot of good times, together. Our last sister day, before I moved away, we drove up to Lexington, walked on the boardwalk, ate at A&W, got pictures and just enjoyed our time together.

Then I got married and moved away. That was hard. I didn't appreciate her nearly enough until I had to go without her. She would miss me on days she wanted a sister day. Talking on the phone just didn't cut it.

Then when I got pregnant, that was great fun. We came out to tell everyone in person (that's not why we came out, it just happened to coincide at the same time, ironically). She bought me a big diaper bag filled with baby stuff. That also happened to be my 21st birthday and we went to Dave and Busters and played games. That was SOOOO MUCH FUN.

When Brianna was born 6 weeks early, due to my premature labor and her heart rate dipping, she and my mom quickly got a flight out and spent a week with me. Brianna was in the NICU, the whole time, and I was really overwhelmed. My sister just loves babies and kids, so having her there, having her support MEANT EVERYTHING. When we dropped them off at the airport, that was the first time I think we all.... really... cried that much with each other... in a while. She was telling me in my ear that I could do it, that I'd be a good mom and it was wonderful. We hugged and I cried. *sniff*.

It was really hard being apart.

That was one of the reasons I really wanted to move back here. And here we are. And now we're closer than ever.

She married her long time boyfriend (high school sweethearts) back in 2009. They bought their first house. We all helped them get the place painted. Then we'd get ice cream from the ice cream truck that came down her street. She's a fantastic aunt. She's my HERO. She takes my daughter sometimes and I have time to myself, while they can bond. I'm so thankful that my daughter can have her for an Aunt. She's awesome.

And I'm so thankful I have HER for a sister. I can't wait to see all the adventures we get to do together, all the fun times ahead for us in the future!

Let's see, I got to bed at a *decent* time, last night. If you call 11:30-ish decent. Hey, it beats the 2 am I've been doing. *lets not talk about the time it is now and the fact that I'm still awake*

I did two loads of laundry, today. Just remembered that I forgot to fold the one load. Oh well, lol.

I walked a mile. That was good.

I organized some of the toys in the living room. You have no earthly idea how stressful that is! lol It's a mess. A royal mess.

I was going to play in the snow, but she napped till like 5, today. No kidding. Which made bed time a PAIN IN THE A... butt. So, yeah. Not a good idea.

I made a complicated dinner, it just didn't taste good.  Yeah, really, no, it was bad.

And, now, I just want to sit and reminisce with a good friend about the past. that's a waiting game. But I feel ready.

meh.

I'm so playing in the snow, tomorrow. Only problem is it's supposed to be in the 50's, so I'm sure the snow will melt.  But I'm so getting pictures when we do! It's gonna be a blast!

There was, of course, the things I didn't get around to doing today. Baby steps. I'm getting there. I was happy with what I did get accomplished.

*in case you're wondering, I've been... neglecting these things out of... whatever funk I've been in. That's why I'm talking about it. And, really, I have nothing else to talk about, lol.*

I went outside, tonight, and shoveled the driveway... all by myself, while listening to Daughtry and having some time to think. Sad to say that I wanted to stay outside and not go in, to avoid all the tension that this house has anymore. That's okay.

*Though I did realize that listening to music and shoveling in the dark, may  not be the best idea. I kept hearing this yelling sound and, when I looked up, these two people were walking towards me and they were yelling. I have no idea what they were yelling about, because I couldn't hear, but... if they were talking to me, I just ignored them, lol. That's when I realized that maybe I should be more aware of my surroundings. Got a little side tracked, but this does have some point on what I'm talking about. Part of fighting for myself is being more alert to... what's going on around me, not trying to drown everything out and being unfocused. People are crazy, after all*

Anyway, considering I've been feeling very depressed lately, I decided I needed to sit down, write out some ways I can FIGHT FOR MYSELF. Being in this state SUCKS and I'm strong. I'm not a quitter. I'm a fighter. I need to FIGHT FOR MYSELF. Get MYSELF back. Think this is silly all you want, this is for my peace of mind.

I think part of it, is getting back into the good habits. A decent bed time, not being so dependent on people, eating healthy things, not letting the insomnia, the lack of appetite get to me and, certainly, not expecting people to make me happy.

I've been fighting to FEEL something, lately. As if I can't feel anything at all, unless I do certain things. Well, I guess that's not entirely true, I've just been feeling BAD things. So, how to feel GOOD things? Well, there's really an easy answer. One that I did turn to, and then quickly turned from.

God.

I sat down, one day, after I had been feeling just down in the dumps. I wanted to save my marriage. I wanted to save myself. So, I prayed. I prayed hard and I really felt God's presence. You know why I don't talk much about my faith. I feel like a failure half the time. Then, I turn away from God, because I feel ashamed. Well, in recent months, despite many mistakes I've made, I would ALWAYS pray and repent and TRY and learn something new, learn how to go on and MOVE AWAY from whatever was taking me away from God. So, I don't know why I stopped that. It's just like, suddenly, I felt totally insignificant. But I know better than that. I know better than that.

It's worth fighting for.

I remember one day feeling really sad, because of a mistake I made. We were driving around town and it hit me that, if I died in a car accident at THAT moment, is that really how I wanted to leave my life? Not just turning away from whatever STUPID thing it was, not repenting of it and just being hard on myself? Absolutely not!

So, why did that suddenly change? Don't know. But I'm going to fight for that back. As long as I'm fighting for it, focusing on it, things will get better. They will.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling like this was going to be the best year of my life. I started to have my doubts. There's so much tension in this house. There's so much yelling. I grew up in a house where there was fighting and anger and yelling. I don't want to repeat that. At all. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the yelling. I'm tired of the tension. I may not be able to fix all of it, but I certainly CAN fight it. Instead of succumbing to it, thinking "this is how it's just going to be", I can FIGHT to make it different.

years ago, I wouldn't have considered myself a "fighter". I was more a quitter.

Quite frankly, I'm PROUD of the young lady I've become, how I've grown from things and I really do feel like a fighter. I want to fight for myself. I deserve to fight for myself. I need to fight for myself. And whatever decisions I need to make to do so, I need to make. I feel like, as long as I prayerfully consider ALL MY OPTIONS, then I'll be okay. I'LL BE OKAY.  And I thank @mytwocentss for pointing that out to me, today.

As much as I've wanted to numb and drown out the enormous pain I'm feeling, I want to FIGHT IT HARD.  Stand up and fight it. I want to continue to FIGHT FOR MYSELF, not just give up, surrender and make horrible choices. I can do this. I'm a fighter. I can really do this.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"-- Philippians 4:13

He's where I need my strength to come from. And He is where I can get it. I CAN DO THIS!