I was told that girls can pretty much pick any guy they want and, most likely, they'll end up with them.

I'd like to point out that that is NOT true.

What is this supposed power girls have over guys? Because I don't see it.

Do you honestly never see a ton of girls hanging on ONE guy? HAHAHA. Are you kidding? YES.

So, HE has some choices, too, me thinks. And that doesn't mean that I, just being a girl and having sights on him, am going to win him. LOL.

What?

Maybe I wish It worked like that.

I was also told that I could pick any guy I wanted. Yes, I was really told that.  Oh, yeah, because magically the guy I choose is going to magically be interested in me, too. It kinda takes, you know, two people who are interested in each other equally and that DOESN'T always happen.

I thought that was... obvious?

It's all lies. So, I don't know why I'm being told that. Stop it!

Although, this comes to mind,

"I've got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind
This might end up like it should"

hehe...

 

@9:30, I took some pills to help me breathe. I went the whole day without taking anything. Last night, I took Aleve D and it kept me awake most of the night. So, anyway, I was super groggy and I still feel super groggy. I went to bed for a while and now I'm awake again, because I couldn't breathe and it was keeping me awake, even though I feel, bascially, drunk, haha.

I'm still having a hard time keeping my eyes open.

I should just crawl back in bed and try going to sleep again.

****

For those of you who said you'd be my pen pal, I will message you all tomorrow. Promise. I'm too groggy to do it right now, haha. Even though I'm doing this... still...

****

So that whole "product testing" thing. It was a diaper survey and I called the lady to find out more and get involved. I was going to get paid to do it. However, Bri is in the wrong size diaper, so I couldn't do it. I still registered to be a contract tester or whatever. Now it's just food testing. Like, they'll send you places to eat (she mentioned Tim Hortons and another place) and she'll contact me for anything else I qualify to "test". So, that's a way for me to earn a little money from "home" if you will.

I'm so excited! I'm a little bummed I couldn't do the diaper thing and now I just have to wait for things I qualify for.

****

This groggy feeling is really funny and annoying all the same time. I really should go to bed. It really is making me feel "drunk" but I've never been drunk before, so I don't even know what that feels like.  Well, I did "drink" too much once and just giggled like an idiot, lol. that's what I feel like, now, and how I just want to collapse into bed. I can't even walk straight. lol  This is why I hate taking medicine. Ugh.

And I heard the most amazing song ever, so I've been re-playing it over and over and that's another reason I can't sleep. lol

Okay, off to bed I go...

Love you guys!

 

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

-Be Still, The Fray

<3

So, I'm looking for a pen pal. It's one of my goals for my Day Zero Project. Anyone interested? lol I'm being serious, here.

I used to have a pen pal, who I met off xanga. Sadly, she stopped writing and is no longer on xanga.

And it's really nice getting mail, am I right? Other than bills and such.

Well, if anyone is interested, let me know and we can message each other. I think this is a much better idea, than just picking someone off the interent, who I've never talked too in any way shape or form, and giving them my address and such. Meh. I don't know. So, yeah, just let me know.

*Just some thoughts I wanted to share. I know this is kind of scattered*

Honestly, I'm glad that my mom raised me in a Christian Household. Despite all the "drama" in our church, I'm glad I was raised in the Faith that I was. I'll be forever thankful for my mom for raising me in that environment. That said, I've really been struggling in my faith. I'm sure some of you, mainly those who read my protected posts, can tell.

One of the reasons I didn't want to expose myself as a Christian, was because I knew I was far from perfect. And as others pointed out to me, "No christian really ever claims to be perfect".  Yes, there can be those with  "high and mighty" attitudes and, I won't lie, I'm sure I've had that attitude before. I'm not perfect. I make plenty of mistakes.

The first time I really wavered in my faith, was when I didn't want to "perservere" anymore. I didn't want to go to school, just wanted to drop out and stay home, safe from everything. Teachers, friends, everyone tried to "force" me to stay in school. I did drop out, by the way, and for that short period of time, I had visits from my pastor and youth pastor at home. They thought I was being "bullied" and just wanted me to come out and say that. I couldn't... because It wasn't true. People tried so hard to work with me. My principal even said he would work with me so that I could catch up with my class. I had a random visit from a lady in our church who wanted to encourage me. We sat in my bedroom and talked and I just wasn't interested. My gym teacher offered to walk with me every morning before school. I just didn't want the help. I wanted out and I got out. Eventually, everyone gave up and I homeschooled myself.

But that choice led me to make other bad choices. The whole pre-marital sex thing with my first ever boyfriend. Driving with him to get drugs. No, I didn't do the drugs, but he did. Still, I was in the car with him, therefore just as guilty of what he was doing. I let him do drugs around me, even though he didn't want to "expose" me to that. We would drink alcohol. He was over 21, but I was only 18, therefore couldn't legally drink. I still did, anyway. I stopped going to church.

And when I was a teen, I would get into chat rooms and chatted with a bunch of different guys, a few of whom sent me links to pornography. Prior to that lovely time, I HATED AND LOATHED pornography and was ticked off at people who looked at it, thinking they all would become crazy rapists. Hey, my dad looked at porn, after all, and he was. I even, in one of my brilliant moments, gave one of these older guys my address and he actually drove to my house. You can imagine what he wanted, but I wasn't brave enough and didn't let him in. Thank God for that. Anyway, all of this was just the bad decision making I made, when I turned away from God. A lot of my sins, past and current, are sexual ones. And that's really hard for me to admit.

I read this book a few months ago, back when I was much stronger in my faith. *Totally reccomend it, by the way*

I think I just need to continually re-read it. See, in the last couple months, I've been wavering in my Faith yet again. Things have entered my life, that have put up a giant wall between me and God. The thing is, there are things I just won't let go of, even though I know they are wrong. I have a prayer journal and write to God, instead of actually praying, asking him why this has to be so confusing and hard and why these struggles have to be the way they are. "You can't have your cake and eat it too".

The last section, chapter, was about "I signed up to make a difference". I don't really feel like I can make a difference in anyones life, unless I work on my life, first. As a christian, I can be hypocritical. I can be mean. I can be rude. I can be awful. I had old xanga sites, where I would go LOOKING for a fight. I'm not into that anymore. The thing is, I'm not perfect and I wont' pretend to be that way. You don't have to be a christian to be my friend or read my site and You'd have to be really extreme or just plain hateful for me not to like you. If me saying "I'm a christian" is enough to make you not like me, YOUR LOSS. Not mine. And this is why I want to share my struggles.

"It's time to get real. It's time to strip off the wax and be honest enough to admit we're just jars of clay, like everyone else, and we have our share of cracks. We've faced heartaches and hard times. This isn't the life we signed up for... but! Here's the important part: We're finding hope and healing". That's what we can offer the world"

Amen to that. Now, about the difference between sharing and spilling, I liked this,

"The only legitimate motive for sharing our pain is to bring hope and healing to others"

"Even when our motives are right, we still need to be sensitive to how and where we share".

I've checked my motives. My motives in sharing all those details, wasn't to get attention, not to get sympathy and I certainly am not trying to make my problems out to be worse than anyone else's. That kind of competition is STUPID. I also certainly don't want any allowances for my "behavior". Like "Oh, she struggles, so we'll let this slide and excuse her and give her sympathy". No. I don't need that. The opposite in fact.

When I created this site, my intent was to be joyful, happy and be a light to others. There are so many things that are wrong in this world and everyone needs a little encouragment. I can't say I've been perfect at it. I've failed God and myself, in that regard, but I do want to be better.

I can't tell you the pain that my past actions have brought into my life. Our choices in life do matter, but I'm thankful for a God who is forgiving and I know that I need to get on my knees, today, and pray that God can use all these barriers that I have to help someone, out there. Help me to break down those walls and use them to be an example. I love the author of the book, becuase that's what she's doing. She shared a lot of personal things about her life and seeing someone who's dealt with the issues and formed a greater bond with her Lord and Savior was really an encouraging thing. I wanted to be like her and I'm so thankful for her.

Despite all that I've done, when I come back to him, I really feel his loving embrace. Call it crazy if you want, but I DO feel it. And I'm so thankful he's a loving and merciful God.

I'll end with this last quote from the book,

"people don't need to see how Christians never have any problems and never make any mistakes; they need to see how God is bigger than our problems and more powerful than our mistakes."

 

I'm issuing a challenge to anyone who's interested, male or female. Doesn't matter. We tend to rip apart our bodies and we lack that confidence. I have a friend who is helping me realize that I shouldn't be ripping apart my own body and instead embracing it. My weight loss journey isn't over, but I've made some great achievements and I must say that I'm more confident NOW than I have been in YEARS. I may never be a size 2, that's okay. I may never have a flat tummy, but that's okay. Cellulite is just a part of life, haha. THAT'S OKAY. Stretch marks? IT'S OKAY. I have those, too. Instead of giving in to negative thoughts and getting down on ourselves, we should start focusing on the positive things and start looking at ourselves different and APPRECIATING ourselves.

Now, what is the challenge, you ask? Write down the top 5-7 things you LOVE about your body. C'mon, you can do it. So will I. Right here, right now. And I'm going to be brave and actually share some... pictures. *I want the positive message to be heard and seen LOUD AND CLEAR. And if you're not wanting to blog about it, then write it in a journal, down on paper.*

1. My stomach

 

My body did the amazing act of growing and carrying a baby. It's an amazing thing. Who cares if it's never completely flat. I'll always have the "scars", if you will, to remember the amazing thing my body was able to do and how amazing the process of pregnancy really is. Really, it's AMAZING.

2. My Face

I didn't want to pick just one part of my face, I appreciate the whole thing. It's unique to me and that's a good thing. I didn't always think that way. I've struggled with thoughts of being ugly, not pretty, blah, blah, blah. However... beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Who cares if a lot of people don't think you're pretty? You should. I should. And, really, someone out there finds you attractive, whether you want to believe that or not.

Another side note to this, this picture, plus the one I have as my profile picture, were both taken on my 25th birthday, back on Jan. 9th of this year. I, usually, wouldn't just share pictures of myself, but I was feeling really happy with my accomplishments, and just happy in general, and I think it shows. It was actually the first time I didn't mind seeing a picture of myself and I've become more confident. So, basically, you can see how it's only been a little over a month that I've felt that way. If that makes sense. Just thought I'd add that. Because of that, I've been more willing to show pictures of myself, hence that stupid hat post, haha. Before, I wouldn't have done that.

3. My Breasts

*this one comes with no picture, haha*

It's taken some time, but I really feel they are the perfect size for me. Not too big, not too small. Just right. hehe.

Okay, moving on quickly...

4. My legs

 

You know how many lunges, squats and going up and down stairs my legs have done for me? They are strong. Period. And I love that feeling of doing a bunch of lunges and squats and feeling that burn. Seriously. Gives me a rush! Plus I'm just thankful for the ability to walk/run and, without my legs, I wouldn't be able to do ANY of it. 

5. My hair

I actually like my hair. I like that I can do anything I want with it. I don't know why I picked this picture, to show that, but whatever, lol. Plus, I like that it's really dark brown. My daughter just thinks it's black 

6. My Hands 

I like my small hands and do you see my pinkie finger? Yeah, it's crooked. Hehe. It doesn't really ever hurt. Only aches sometimes and if people try and "fix" it for me, then it hurts. *and that's happened a couple times, lol*. Otherwise, I just think it's kinda cute, lol. Both of my pinkie fingers are crooked like that. 

All of this just reminds me that God created us all unique and the way we are for a reason and we should NEVER tear ourselves down. This is just reminding me of that and that I should be thankful for all God has given me. 

Now, gals and guys, what do you appreciate about YOURSELF. Lets focus on the positive and not tear ourselves down, okay? Remember, you're beautiful/strong in your own way and you deserve to appreciate that about yourself!

*This comes to mind*

I think I might be a fortune teller
I read your face just like a letter
The funny thing about forever
Is it comes with a side of never never
I can't buy into what you're selling
And no it's not that I don't want it
Believe me I love to close my eyes, enjoy the ride
But you reek of indecision and I...
I know

You're only gonna let me down
When it counts, you countdown
You're only gonna turn me out
As I burn, you burn out
You're only gonna make me feel so crazy
But when I think we could be something
You go and let me down, let me down, oh

*!*!*!*

Have a lovely Saturday, everyone!

This is a funny story. Wasn't so funny, at the time, but that's how most stories go, am I right?  For those who don't know, I was an apartment manager, along with my husband, out in Las Vegas, NV for about a year and a half. What a time that was. So, we got the job in Oct. of 2007 and this story happened Nov. 1st. I hadn't even been on the job for a month. This was when my husband was still working his 12 hour shifts driving cab and had to come home from work and do some maintenance. *you have NO IDEA how much maintenance PILES up in a days time. let me tell you*

Anyway, that morning, he got up to go to work. These apartments were studios and had sliding glass doors. Some tenant came to notify me that this one mans door was just shattered. All over the place. So, I left the office to go check it out. Glass everywhere. There was also a man sleeping in his car and he was still in his halloween costume and had his face so painted, you couldn't tell what he looked like. Thinking the two could be connected, and being told to call for help if I ever encountered a situation I didn't know how to handle, I went back to call my husband, even though he was working.

But, get this. I LOCKED MYSELF OUT OF THE OFFICE. haha. So then I'm thinking, "who's phone do I want to borrow?". I dragged myself up the stairs to Mr. M's apartment and asked to borrow his phone. It was lovely. I didn't really want to ask him, but he was the logical choice. I had never been in his apartment, so it was fun to stand and talk to my husband on the phone while looking at pictures of naked blonde's all over his wall. *shivers* LOL.

I told Mr. M a little of what was going on, how I was locked out and alone, basically, so he asked if I wanted him to come with me. Normally, I'd have said no, but I was a little scared, so I said yes. Then he picked up his gun and stuck it in his pants. It felt nice to have someone have my back, just in case.  

Then my husband got back and the men kinda took over, as far as dealing with the passed out drunk crazy guy, in his car. I was told to stay back and out of the way. I stayed by the broken glass. The guy was crazy, yelling how he was going to sue us. See, my husband told him there was no way he was going to let him drive and that he needed someone to come pick him up, because he was drunk. so the guy was screaming at everyone, threatening to call his lawyer and it was just scary. You never know with people. I was glad someone had a gun . Anywhoo, after that situation got calmed down a little, the hubster went back to work and I was left sweeping up all the broken glass. The crazy drunk guy finally got a ride and, as they drove out of the parking lot, he looked at me and i just gave him the dirtiest look. Like, stop giving me death stares, you idiot! lol Then they had to come back to get his car. That was a lovely experience, too. lol.

I still don't know what happened with the broken door. Whether someone was really pushed through it or a gun shot or what not, never found out. Our apartments were in a somewhat safe place. We were in a little bubble and then the surrounding areas were filled with crime. But, we had campus police, which is why our apartments were fairly safe, plus we did our best to keep out the riff raff.

I have more stories I'll share later. Maybe someone will find them entertaining.

It's not about me, it's about YOU.

Something I've learned that should be so freaking obvious.

I'm a pretty selfish person. No, don't give me the, "no you're not" crap. Yes, I am. You don't know me that well, then. I'm selfish. It's part of the human condition. We're all selfish to some extent or another. I've just been super selfish and I've since learned an important lesson.

It's not about what we can get, but about what we can give. I feel I have a lot to give. I've been through things and I believe that God had a reason, for me to help others. I consider myself fairly compassionate. I consider myself to be a good listener (though some would love to debate with me on that). Instead of keeping things to myself and dealing with them privately, dealing with them publicly can help OTHER PEOPLE. I never knew what my "gifts" were. My God given gifts that were unique to me. To some degree, I still don't. But this is a start.

I've loved getting support from some of you. I really have. I understand, though, that some things I've shared just isn't for some of you and sometimes there's going to be a hard night and I'm alone and that's just how it is. BUT THAT'S OKAY. Because my main focus shouldn't be on MYSELF, but on how I treat OTHERS. I shouldn't EVER have expectations of getting support. Though I appreciate it, I really do, I don't need it and I don't expect it.

But I will SUPPORT YOU. I will be the listening ear. I will be the shoulder to cry on. I'll be whatever YOU need and I expect nothing in return. When I tell people that, I FREAKING MEAN IT. I love all my friends. And the thing about Love is that it gives more than it takes. I'll use whatever I've been handed in life, to make someone else feel better, put a smile on faces, whatever I have to. And I swear I will.

I know where my focus should be and that's where it will stay!

Sisters. Awww. This was taken 5 years ago, after her graduation from nursing school and pinning ceremony. That was taken in our back yard, during her graduation party. This was right after I got married and we had our first Vacation back to Michigan! I was SOOO THANKFUL, I could go and be with her when she graduated from Nursing School, her biggest dream!

Todays xanga challenge was to post a favorite picture of my best friend. This would have to be it. Because we hardly ever have pictures of the two of us, and this one is my favorite by far. *But, I'm a rule breaker and will post more than 1, hehe*

That was from our Vacation to Mackinac. That was a good day. A good trip. I don't even remember how long ago this was taken, haha. I'm thinking I was about 16-17 here, which would make her 20-21 *Hard to believe she's almost 30, now*. Awwww, how we've grown over the years. *sniff, sniff*

Her, with Kate Middleton hair. ahaha. Cracked me up!

And, for good measure, I'll post this one too...

This was taken after she took a fall at the hospital she works at. she fell flat on her face. Yep. She then drove home, slept for 12 hours only to go back to the hospital to find out she had a concussion!  I'm glad she's okay. She posted this on facebook, so I'm sure she'll be okay with me posting it here. Besides, I take my role as little sister seriously, which means I HAVE to do embarrassing things to her. It's just part of little sister job description.

I'm biased, I know, but no one could have a better sister than her!