I can't stand double/tripple postings a day, even though I do it a lot, but I can't help this one...

I know many of you, or at least those of you who truly "get me", will not like hearing this and I definitely appreciate you guys trying to talk sense in to me. I guess that's what I need. However, I can't knock this feeling...

No matter HOW HARD I try, I just can't get over the thinking that I'm....

Oh, forget it.

Nevermind.

I'll just stick to my silly, stupid self, because that seems to be the best. I have more fun. However I was trying to be "real" and it's just not working, right now.

This is one of those crappy moments when I have the thoughts trapped in my head and can't quite manage to get them out. Sucks. And it's making me cry. I hate these moments. I just want to hit myself in the head, really hard, and tell myself to "snap out of it". Oh, if it was just that easy...  I have so many thoughts, right now. So many. You have no idea. And you have no idea how badly I want to express them. *sigh*

 

Okay, it's been real fun being silly on here and all, but now for some serious questions.  Some of these were running through my mind, yesterday, and I've had them on my mind for a while.

And this is embarrassing, because I grew up in a Christian school and I swear we had Bible Class every day and I was there for YEARS and years of my life, you'd think I'd know somethings, but I'm still so confused.

Like the time my youth pastor was trying to tell me aobut the "special relationship" God has with the father-less. I never understood that. He's EVERYONES heavenly father, why would I get some "special relationship", just because I didn't have an earthly father?  And the help for the widows? Yeah, what is that exactly? He tried, boy did he try, but I was stubborn and fought him on it and just didn't get it. I must have misunderstood something. But I'm a stubborn person in general. No surprise.

When I was, I believe, 13-14 (8th grade, I believe) was when I made that prayer of Salvation. We had a group at our church and school for a week and they were just... I can't even explain it. Last day, I went forward and just started crying and guess who was the one who led me through the prayer? MY SISTER. I mean, how awesome is that?

Okay, but, I've strayed and I've ignored things and I've purposefully done the wrong things, knowing they were the wrong things. Of course, I do beat myself up a lot and feel guilty over everything. "Okay, did I just have a thought of anger towards someone? I'm horrible and going to hell now, great". Along those lines. So, lets say you get into a disagreement with someone (I was often told never to let the sun go down on a fight, because you never know if you'll be given another day. It's true, really, but lets go with the idea that you just don't do that). Lets say, after said fight, where you've been mean and angry and haven't forgiven said person, you die in a car accident. Do you go to hell, now? Because you were sinning and you didn't ask for forgiveness? OR just saying that ONE prayer, even though you purposefully sinned, is going to save you?

I've asked my husband about this, and another person, and they both believe it has to be a constant thing, you can't just "say a prayer once and be saved". Although, that's what I was raised to believe and still do. My opinion is that, if you say a prayer, but continue to live a life you know is not pleasing to the Lord, that you probably didn't mean it anyway. But if you mean it? that's why you have that voice in your head telling you things are wrong and you need to stop. but, what if you're like me and sometimes ignore that voice? It's like I'm being screamed at, " just stop. Don't you get it? this isn't good for you. Just stop". and I still don't. Or I give it a valiant effort.

I guess I've been feeling scared, lately.

I know, for those that don't believe in God, just ignore this post. I don't want any rudeness, I'm being dead serious, about my faith or this faith that others hold dear. I get it, you don't agree with it, but this is my space, so kindly shut up about it and don't be rude. I really don't care.

But for the rest of you, explain?

I have another question, but this is too long, so I'll wait.

I'm really hungry and running out of time, so this is the best I could possibly explain my question. Sorry. I hope it made sense.

 Hey, a girl can dream. I've thought of hosting a "xanga meet-up" here in the great and awesome state of Michigan, but I figure most people would probably be like me and have no money to travel to meet up with, basically, "strangers", lol. We can't even travel to see family, for crying out loud. Though, gotta admit, meeting some of ya'll would be much more fun than going and seeing family. LOL. Seriously. Of this I am sure. So, because a girl can dream, and because I'm in the mood for this, I'll share what I'd want to do at a xanga meet up and what would be fun to do with each of you individually. 

First of all, I'm thinking things like a good game of football or even basketball. Football, mostly, because tackling people, being tackled is always a bonus . But, I'm just in the mood to play some sport. Even soccer would be fun. But, we could stick to football. Or, we could fill a bunch of water balloons up and have a water balloon fight! Oh, yes! Or, we could go putt putt golfing. That's always fun. Or, go out on a boat and swim in a lake. I can't swim, but it would still be fun. Oh, I could go on and on and on... I may not be very creative, but... In this case, I suppose I am. *and, of course, free hugs all around, because I'm a hugger*

So, lets see. 

@mytwocentss

We'd have tons of fun. Girl talk, hello! We could get our hubsters to watch the wee ones and go out to eat and a movie. Of course, we'd have to play scrabble at some point, so I can beat you.  Twister would also be fun to play, me thinks. And, we could dance around together, while listening to music. And then we could take our kids to the park or something. 

@Againstthewind1

Okay, seriously, we'd have to sing a duet or something, just so I can get you on video singing. Then you could teach me how to shoot a gun or something and we'd totally have to go fishing. I'm also making you my honorary big brother, always wanted one, so we can prank each other all the time and wrestle. Oh and, of course, I'd kick your butt at scrabble! 

@Traintrack

*gee, my top 3 people are always the same, lol*

Oh, man. I'd just take you EVERYWHERE I could, in this great state. And then we could hang out and watch movies, like that Airplane one you think is so funny (still haven't seen it). Do you like playing board games? Cause we could do that allll dayyy longggg and I'd totally beat you at scrabble! 

@AngelAsh_86

I would love to have a slumber party with a bunch of xanga girls, but especially you, because I think we have a ton in common.  We'd also have to play scrabble, so I could win, but we'd have fun with girl talk, I'm sure, too.

@Aletheas_unspoken_words.

You know what I would do with you? Have a True Blood Marathon. Oh, yes. I haven't seen the current season, but I know you watch it, right? That would be fun. Are you a fan of Eric? MMMMMmm, lol.

@grim_truth

Ever since you mentioned something about being competitive at monopoly or something, I really want to cream you at Scrabble and monopoly, so we'd have to do that. Then we could watch that movie, um, what was it? Oh, monty python and the holy grail? Yeah, whatever. lol 

@TheTheologiansCafe

Well, I know I'd give you a giant bear hug and I'm sure we could find something to do. And that would have to include me beating you at scrabble.

Yes, I know, scrabble and me winning is a common theme. I just love the game and love winning and I did say I was super competitive, right.  Played it tonight and beat everyone.  

And, honest to gosh, I don't mean to leave some people out. I think a slumber party for the many awesome xanga chicks would be fun! If I talk to you often, I'd want to see you at a meet up, I just started getting super nauseous, so.... I need to go. 

Sounds fun, am I right? Oh yeah, baby... lol...

So, all of this is going on my bucket list now, haha!

*all in good fun, all in good fun*

I've had a lot of sugar. I think I need to lay off the sugar. *donuts, twix bars... no wonder I'm nauseous. crud*

@Rilthe gave me this challenge

"a page of 100% honesty,all about your life:)"

Since this is a writing one, I can actually do this, today. I'll try and keep this short and sweet, though, guys.

 

Let's see, when my Mom was pregnant with me, about a month before I was born, she was in a serious car accident. Thankfully, we're both still around!   I was born on Jan. 9th, 1987. My mom wanted to name me "Sarah Lee" (haha, I know, right?), but I'm Megan Lee, instead, because my dad decided he finally liked it. For this I'm thankful.

When I was 4, I had a hernia that required surgery. I can still see my scar from that. I also had 3 imaginary friends named Mocca, Beetee and ButtaButta. seriously, lol. I have an older sister named Stephanie. She's 4 years older than me.

Since this is honesty about my life, and even though I don't want to bring this up for the millionth time, I was sexually abused for years of my childhood, by my dad. So, when I was 14, I told and he was sent off to prison.

My mom was a Christian, so we were raised in a Baptist Church and Christian school. From preschool to 10th grade, I went to the Christian school, that was connected to the Church. So, we were there practically every day BUT Saturday, lol. It was like my second home and I'll always be thankful for that. It was a great school, but sadly closed a couple years ago, due to low enrollment and the pastor at the time, forgive me for saying this, was a jerk wad. I won't get into that, but my mom worked at this school for 30 plus years, so....

My Junior year of High School, our class all dwindled down to 8, I lost all my friends and several teachers left, so I felt really alone and didn't want to go anymore. So, I made the choice to "drop out" and home school myself. At first, my entire family didn't agree and fought with me over it, so a whole semester was me in my room, grounded from everything, super depressed. Eventually, the money that was saved for my Senior trip was spent on getting me set up to do school at home. I finished my junior and senior year in about a year and a half and, technically, graduated before my class.

I then decided to do a similar program for Psychology and Social Work. I determined that it was not what I wanted to do with myself and couldn't quite figure out what I DID want to do with myself. So, at 19, I met my husband here on xanga. We "dated" for about 4 Months or so before getting married. Not the smartest choice, but yeah, lol.

 

I've been married now for 5 years. My husbands name is Doug and he's currently a home health aide and we live out in Michigan. When we were first married, we lived out in Las Vegas, Nevada. We landed an apartment managing job together. I was so scared when I started working there, but I eventually got good at what I was doing.  We landed the job in Oct. of 2007 and I was 20, at the time. We knew we wanted kids, but weren't really trying or trying to prevent it, either.

Right after new years of 2008, we went down to CVS to get a prego test, because I was quite certain I was pregnant and had been for a month or two, but he didn't think so, lol. took the test and, sure enough, I was pregnant. So I got pregnant at 20, but gave birth to my daughter at 21. She was born in July of 2008, 6 weeks premature. THe pregnancy was pretty bad and I ended up going into pre-term labor, which meant bed rest and it just wasn't safe anymore, so they delivered her early and she spent 2 weeks in the NICU. She's now a happy, healthy 3 year old girl! Her name is Brianna and I love her to pieces.

(that was taken about 2 weeks before I gave birth)

 

She weighed 4 lbs, 13 oz at birth. I wasn't able to hold her, they just rushed her off to the NICU. It was hard seeing her hooked up to a bunch of things.

her, today, sleeping on the couch, lol. *I'd also like to point out that that is my MOMS couch. It's ugly as... well... you know!*

So, now, I'm 25 and a stay at home mom to her. I don't plan on having any more kids any time soon, but maybe in the future. I'm open to it. Just not now.

I like to have fun, I like to be a good friend, I consider myself loyal to those I Love and I love a ton of people. I feel a calling to use the things I've gone through in life to help others. And, I try some of that through this very blog and I'm happy about that. And I look forward to seeing how that grows through the years. I have a lot of fears, a lot of anxiety to work through, but I know it will be worth all the hard work in the end. I believe, despite some tough situations going on in my life right now, that this is going to be a great year and I'm finally growing into myself. If that makes sense. I like the person I'm becoming and I'm happy that I can help others, in any way I can.  God has blessed me richly. I really believe that!

Okay, I'm posting these against my better judgement. For a girl who feels pretty darn stupid, this pretty much fits.  *I'm joking around*  Basically, I was watching people dance on youtube and trying to copy them, because I can't dance to save my life. But you'll see. I even got a video singing into a hairbrush, to show Doug how it's done, but I won't be posting that one and NO ONE dare me to do that. I swear, you better not!

This was a dare from @cestovatelka.

"Vlog of you doing some awesome (and by 'awesome' I mean 'incredibly hilarious and borderline embarrassing') dance moves to an awesome 90s dance song! "

I think this is embarrassing enough... *groans*

I know I suck at dancing, you don't have to say it. Be nice!   The second vid is me just letting loose, even though I was still copying moves from youtube. It was under "dirty dancing" haha. The girl did it much better than I did. The song is "turn me on", but I'm sure it's nothing but a "trun off", AHAHAHA. I'm trying to be funny. Go with it.   So, without further ado... here's me making a fool of myself.  It takes a  certain level of bravery to show this, so ya'll better... I don't know, lol.

 

The running man... *shudders*. I SUCK.

 

 *HANGS HEAD IN SHAME*

And that whole Ellen's Dance Dare challenge? That's going to be even worse, haha!

*And I just watched more silly dancing. As embarrassing as this is, I'm going to do another one, haha. This is fun*  I take that back. Not doing it again, haha. Twice is enough. ENOUGH. I'm looking forward to the less embarrassing ones, now!

So, I'm going to totally copy @againstthewind1 and steal his idea of needing a challenge, a dare or something. Shoot, It'll be fun.

Something you want me to write about? Something you want me to vlog about? or a Dare of some sort that I can do? I need something fun, something... different, haha.

And, instead of choosing the one most asked for, I'll try and do them all. We'll see. So, go ahead. Seriously... Please? haha. Humor me. This will be good for me, really!!

There's one aspect I haven't dealt with yet...

Back when I was 9, really between grades 3-5, my dad started being, well, mean to me. "You little bitch, you're fat, ugly and stupid. No one will ever believe you". You know, those thing tend to ring in your ears for YEARS and still hasn't quite gone away. It's okay, though, I don't deal with it AS MUCH as I used to. I used to be much more sensitive, but in some ways I still am.

I know that he was a crazy man and he needed to keep me quiet. If you're raping a kid, you really don't want them to tell, so the best thing to do, obviously, is to make them feel like a peice of worthless crap so they won't even feel strong enough to voice what they're being put through.

"If you tell your mom, she won't believe you. She'll hate you. everyone will hate you".

So, for years, I would get really ticked off any time I heard someone say "bitch". Not necessarily to me, but to anyone. I still hate the word, even though I have used it time to time. I don't generally call anyone a bitch, because I don't feel it's right. I did once and I'd take it back. I use it more as a "stop bitching about this or that" and, really, I'm trying to stop that, because I'm trying to use better language in general.

At those ages, because of the sexual abuse, I was gaining weight. So, the being fat and ugly thing also kinda, you know, made me feel low and I think that's why I've deal with insecurities with looks and losing weight. At my heaviest weight, I didn't think I deserved anything good. I was just miserable. I'm so happy to have broken out of that, but... And some people thought that gaining weight was a way to armor myself, as if I would somehow not be hurt. But I didn't really understand that. Maybe it was? I don't know.

Being called stupid, though? Totally kills me. And I feel stupid a lot.

You know, I'm not the smartest person ever. I would never claim that. I also don't think I'm the most dumb, but I'm far from adequately educated. I'm ignorant of a lot of  things and, quite fankly, was always a little afraid to express myself, out of fear of how people would perceive me. I thought everyone would think I was stupid and hate me, so I just would shut up (I was even told by my counsellor, that my fear of communicating things, my fear of people, would only make me a good target for it to happen again. That people could see how unsure I was and take advantage of me. That's always great to know.). I've gotten a little more... "brave", I guess you could say.  I'm more brave expressing myself in a place I feel "safe" or with people who I think can  "get me". But it takes a lot of trust. I've overshared on here, but I do have those awesome friends who seem to just "get me" and reassure me that I'm doing okay and will be okay and am not stupid.

But, I must say, It still rears it's ugly head.

I consider what he did verbal abuse. I never dealt with that. I dealt with the sexual abuse. The hard part of that is over. The verbal part? Don't even know where to start. though, some of it has just simply taken time. But I still find I'm afraid to express myself and I don't want to feel like that anymore. For example, when I'm in a group of people, I simply don't talk. And if I do offer an "opinion", I talk quietly, so no one can really hear me. Also, you could say that makes me look easily influenced. I've had conversations with people, who I've disagreed with, but just nodded my head in agreement with things I didn't agree with, just to not have to bother expressing how I feel. Because of my lack of good communication skills, and having a hard time expressing myself, that was one of the first things that affected my marriage. That was my fault, not his. All mine.

Like I said, it's getting better. It'll just take time. I know that I'm not the best "writer". I know I have more to learn. I know I'm ignorant and I do feel stupid sometimes. I guess it's just going to take more time to finally break free. But, at least I am getting more brave. One of these days I'll feel "free" of that, too. I can hope!

*Last Post of the Night, I swearrrrrr*

This has been on my mind. Perfect Love is giving more than you take. This is something an important person is helping me learn. I mean, it reminds me of the love a parent has for a child. The love God has for all of us, especially. He definitely sacrificed a TON for us. He gave his son to save all of our useless pathetic selves. What could be more meaningful?

So, having said that...

I'm 25 years old. I've held down exactly 1 job my entire life. I was an apartment manager and I learned that I didn't, necessarily, want to do that FOREVER. lol  Seriously, just no. But, I know I could do it again, if it came to that. Other than that, I'm just a stay at home mom (You know, that easy "job" that's not a "job" at all. I'm just, you know, being lazy and such and depending on a man for my basic essentials in life. It's true. I'm being sarcastic for a reason and, quite frankly, I'm pissed off right now, which is probably going to make this come off even more snotty and rude, but here we go. Let's do this...)

My marriage is falling apart. It's crumbling. I mean, durrrr. Despite what Ya'll might think, I didn't marry him for his "money". LOL. Yeah, with an age gap like ours, what could I have possibly seen in him, right, besides his wallet and paycheck? I'm sure most normal people had that thought pass through their heads. NO, it wasn't really his money, per se, because he's made less than 20 k a year since I've known him. He was older, more experienced in life and I was just a dumb child who wanted to be "taken care of", not just in a monetary sense. But, I suppose you could include that anyway. Since, yeah, I was dependent on him then for basic essentials (food, roof over my head). 

But before that time, I was being dependent on a WOMAN who made her OWN WAY in life and she didn't need a MAN to take care of her. What she has SHE'S WORKED HER BUTT OFF, FOR. And you know what, I'm pretty damn proud of her for it. And she was paying taxes to a state that was then supporting her lowlife dead beat creep of an ex husband in prison.   I feel like I grew up around some pretty freakin' tough women and I'm SOOO PROUD OF THAT.

However, I have yet to really woman up! I've been dependent on a man. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, nope. You think I would. You'd think I'd have some clue. I do have some ideas, but... they haven't amounted to much and I'm pretty sure it's just going to take time and i'm not one known for being patient.

So, to my point, I've got to start somewhere and it's time I Woman Up. Get on my OWN TWO FREAKING FEET.

This reminds me of Survivor. anyone see the premier episode and how pathetic the whole thing was?

"Oh, women are so catty and we can't make our own fire, but damn, we look great in skimpy bikinis and lets flirt and seduce the men for a fire! )"

C'mon, ladies, GROW UP. Make your own damn fire. You went on SURVIVOR. Gosh dang it, do you not watch the show before going on it? YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO MAKE FIRE. Oh, wait, there will be some man on your tribe to do it for you? No. Just make it your own damn self.

I consider myself strong, despite my many weaknesses. I'm strong and I'm weak, I just need them to work together for my benefit.  I have good examples.

I may be a horrible wife to my current husband. Yeah. Yep. However, if I ever get remarried, and I really hope to, you know,  I'm going to be SOOOO different. I'm not going to be dependent for anything.

If I have to be homeless and work my way up from nothing, I'LL DO IT! I'm not scared. Being scared for that, only makes the dependency worse. And, you know what, if we end up divorced, i'm not taking A DIME of his HARD EARNED MONEY. why? I don't care if we're "married" and what's "his is mine", He worked, I didn't. End of story. I wouldn't take a dime and that's what I mean, if I'm homeless and have to just start from scratch, I'll do it!

I'm tough. "Be a tough chick".

Yep. That's what I'll be!  I'm not a doormat. I'm not a damsel in distress. I'm a girl, but I can make my own damn fire. I can make my own damn money. I can make my own damn life.

Thank you, very much!

*deep breaths*

And now I'm going to have a good cry, pick myself up and be tough. I've been holding this in for far tooooo long!

*Love this song. I know, no one will probably listen to it, but that's okay. I'm posting it anyway. Reminds me of someone. Reminds me of... all... we are, could be. That probably doesn't make any sense. But, I just love this song and the comfort it brings to my heart. So, I'd def. reccommend listening to it and reading the lyrics! Great Song!

 

 

 

The first one, sorry, It only shows I have zero personality. But the second one should make up for it.  lol.